Fuck Christmas; today is the MOST WONDERFUL DAY OF THE YEAR: the first day after the Winter-Fucking-Solstice!!!! From now on, the days are getting longer, not shorter… and that’s just all kinds of awesome. Because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s gloom and darkness. And if there’s something I REALLY hate, it’s bone-chilling fucking miserable cold. YUCK!
Being a model is all fun and games in the spring, summer and fall. But in the winter, IT SUCKS ASS. My feet and hands get miserably cold around Thanksgiving, and stay that way through about Valentine’s Day. Stripping off your warm clothes and furry boots for a photo shoot in this weather is like being flayed alive!!!!!!!!!
Having flayed myself alive several times over the past few weeks, it’s no wonder I finally got sick as fuck. Hanging out naked in the desert on a day when the high temps are in the 40s will do that to ya :-/
Yes, that’s right…I was stupid enough to agree to another photo shoot out at that abandoned water park in the desert near Barstow a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t feeling well, but I let a photographer friend guilt-trip me into going out there anyway — one of my biggest personality defects is being TOO NICE/too weak-willed; I have a really hard time saying No…even when my health is at stake!
As it turned out, the sun was out that day so it was probably more like 50 degrees…and I wasn’t totally miserable. And, we got some really good photos…so I guess it was worth it. But ever since that day (Dec. 8th), I’ve been on the road to ruin.
Never one to succumb easily to bothersome physical complaints, I just kept chugging Emergen-C and oregano oil and going about my business, hoping it would go away. But gee, it never did…I wonder why?!
A few days after wandering the wintry desert in the nude, I was hired for another outdoor shoot, this time in the oldest graveyard in Vegas, on a night when temperatures got down into the 30s. At least I didn’t have to be naked for this one — I got to wear my Bride of Frankenstein costume, and pose with this super bad fucking ass custom rat rod designed by the guys at Weld Er Up. It was some kind of old-timey 1920s Ford that had been modified to be all-electric, with the interior redone like an old-time asylum, with white padded walls, electric chairs for seats and all kinds of creepy gauges and dials. Really a cool car, and a cool concept…but it was super fucking cold in that graveyard!!! The Weld Er Up guys are super cool though, and let me stay in their heated truck while the photographer set up his lighting…but my toes still almost froze off once I got out to pose. And the worst part of all is, the poor photographer’s computer crashed about a week later, and he lost ALL THE PHOTOS :-/ So now I might not even get paid, since he can’t deliver the product to the Weld Er Up guys (it was for a calendar they’re coming out with). WAHHHHH!!!!
So by now, I was really getting sick, but I kept slogging away so as not to miss out on all the fun. Next I was hired for a photo shoot with the most amazing 64-year-old MILF model — this woman didn’t even start modeling until the age of 63, at which time she set up a Model Mayhem profile and was immediately recruited by “Over 50″ magazine for a cover shoot! If you’ve never seen “Over 50″ mag, it’s lurid porno pics of sexy grannies sucking dick and getting pounded by young studs. Fantastic stuff, and this lady was right on the cover!
Anyway, around the time she started modeling, this amazing woman also set up shop as an escort — in fact, after our shoot, the photographer and I had to clear out of the room so that she could do an “appointment” with some bearded old fool from California. But as soon as her date was over, she joined us for dinner, drinks and conversation at TAO Asian bistro, and it was awesome. That lady is so bad ass — she sat there nonchalantly puffing on her vape pen full of weed, talking about all the different “dates” she’s been on with guys, some as young as 25. Apparently, guys of all ages are curious what it’s like to be with a granny…so she does a brisk business! I’m serious, this woman is just super fucking cool…check her out at phoenix-skye.com. I love her!!!
Interestingly, I did another shoot the same week with another “over-the-hill” model who runs a superhero fetish site. This woman is in great shape and very attractive, with legions of fans who send her gifts and shit, at the ripe old age of 47! It was really cool working with women other than the typical 20-something bimbos. We shot a few videos of me being “eaten” by a giant monster, and some superhero stuff, but I was so out of it from my lurking illness that it was hard to fully enjoy myself.
From there, I had to head across town straight to another shoot with an amateur retired Army vet who is just learning how to use a camera. I’ve done several shoots with this guy lately, and he is always a total gentleman, paying my full rate with no quibbling and treating me very kindly — he sincerely appreciates my patience and kindness in helping him learn to shoot. I don’t know why other models would refuse to shoot with a guy like this! Anyway, this time we shot for a few hours, and then he had me surprise another retired Army vet friend of his with a sort of singing telegram where I dressed in my alien costume and sang “Funny Girl” to the poor guy, who was so surprised to see me, he literally almost had a heart attack. All of this would’ve been surreal enough if I were at the top of my game…but as it was I was sick and out of it, so it seemed really weird.
Oh, and I almost forgot the foot-sucking videos I mentioned last time — I didn’t have many gigs lined up at the beginning of the month, so out of desperation I had signed up to worship this other model’s feet for KissHerFoot.com. I’m not a huge fan of sucking and licking random peoples’ feet, but this chick turned out to be super cool and fairly hygienic, so it wasn’t bad…except for the fact that the heater in the studio wasn’t working, and it was COLD AS FUCK the entire shoot!!! I swear…CAN’T I CATCH A BREAK ANYWHERE?! Isn’t anyone hiring for a shoot on the surface of the sun or anything?!?!
Alas, no. The next shoot I did was even worse! I had signed up to work with a local photographer who was doing a series of photos with sugar — having the models throw granulated white sugar all over themselves, etc. It seemed like a fun idea at the time, until the day of the shoot arrived. By now, I had a full-on nasty-ass ear infection — I think it started because I sleep with earplugs every night, and don’t always change them out as often as I should. So now, I had an earful of bacteria, fungus and who knows WHAT the fuck-all else…and I’m throwing sugar all over my fucking self, getting little granules into every crevice…including my ears. I had this crazy visual of some nasty yeasty fungus in there gobbling up all the sugar, getting bigger by the minute and taking over my life. YIKES!!! You better believe I went straight home and washed as much of that shit off my body as possible. NASTY!
I did do one shoot that was 100% cozy and comfortable, in a Go Suite at the Flamingo Hotel. These suites are AMAZING for shooting, and I highly recommend them to photographers — they are roomy and full of interesting colors and textures. You could shoot for hours in one of these suites — they’re awesome! Just be sure you book a “Go Suite” and not a regular room, since I hear that the regular rooms at the Flamingo are pretty shitty. This photographer got a really good deal, too, because of the time of year — I think he only paid around $68/night! Anyway, this guy was super cool in all respects, and I would shoot with him again in a hot minute — and not just because he kept the heater cranked to 11!!! Shout out to Model Mayhem’s Zvaal!!
Anyway, in between all these photo shoots, I tried to get in a little holiday partying as well — sick or no! The best party was this thing I went to at the Liberace Mansion — WOW!!! I’ve always wanted to check that place out, and I finally got my chance when this British dude bought it (for astonishingly cheap) and hosted a party to promote his new book, as well as raise funds for the restoration of the “mansion.” I use quotation marks because it’s a “mansion” in the sense that Graceland is a “mansion”
– really more of an overgrown suburban house that has been improved upon with all kinds of glitzy white-trash add-ons. The Liberace Mansion in particular is pretty run-down, in a crummy part of town by the airport, but it was amazing to see — especially as I had just seen that awesome HBO movie about Liberace with Michael Douglas and Matt Damon!
That’s the amazing thing about Vegas — you never know where these historic houses will pop up. You’re driving along in suburbia and suddenly wham! there’s Wayne Newton’s estate! Or you’ll be cruising the ghetto, and all of a sudden
there’s Siegfried & Roy’s palatial spread. Vegas is truly egalitarian in that way — the rich people live sprinkled among the poor. Or at least it used to be that way, until they built all these douchey “master planned” golf course communities full of cheek-to-jowl McMansions out on the edges of town. LAME!
Anyway, it is my sincere hope that someday, I earn enough money to build a “mansion” of my own, in a humble part of town, with golden “W H” on the gates, little Wonderhussy decals engraved here and there, chandeliers everywhere, and mirrored everything. How fabulous would that be? I only need to suck about 100,000 more toes and I’ll have that damn mansion!!
Speaking of holiday parties, there were two others that I was really looking forward to, on the same night — one at the home of some local literati socialites, and the other being the annual Santa Rampage costumed pub crawl. I planned to hit both of them after putting in my hour at the gym….but alas, all my plans went awry thanks to a magic biscotti I ate that afternoon at another party, in the park down the street from my house.
Every year, this one awesome bearded neighbor of mine dresses up like Santa Claus and the neighbors all get together for a “Santa In the Circle” party in the park. People bring cookies and hot cocoa and stuff, and the local ballet school does a little performance, etc. Well, this year I dragged my ass down to make an appearance, and first thing this one awesome crazy lady offers me a “magic” biscotti. I tried to turn her down, but it just seemed curmudgeonly…so I ate the damn thing. The WHOLE damn thing!! I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway…and sure as sugar, about an hour later I was high as a kite, with no interest in doing ANYTHING.
Nevertheless, I tried to soldier on and get on with my day. I even drove to the gym, intending to lift weights and maybe help metabolize the cookie faster…but they were remodeling the women’s section, and figuring out what to do in the main gym just seemed too hard in my befuddled state…so I turned around and went home, and tried to sober up with a 3-hour nap. I woke up just as high as ever, though….so following a Facebook friend’s advice, I took two Excedrin, drank a cup of black coffee, and walked around in the freezing cold for 3 miles. That finally did the trick — I sobered up enough to go to the literati party, which turned out to be a bust, and I ended up just going back home to bed anyway. BOOOOO! Valuable lesson learned: don’t get high unless you’re planning to go directly to sleep.
Speaking of getting high, my medical marijuana card recently expired, and I was on the fence as to whether or not I should bother renewing it. On the one hand, I hate to buy into a crooked fucking system — it costs something like $300/year to get a license in Nevada, and why should I bother when I have plenty of connections to get me weed on the black market? Why should I funnel my heard-earned money into the wasteful pockets of the State??
Well, at the last minute I remembered that the good people at DrReefer.com had offered to cover my renewal costs — so I went down to see if they’d make good on their promise. See, back when I first applied for a card in 2010, I went to the original Dr. Reefer, Pierre Werner — this awesomely nutty visionary who was an early pioneer in the medical marijuana program here in NV. After I’d paid him $360 in fees, he was arrested for flaunting the law…and disappeared into the bowels of the NV correctional system, my money nowhere to be found
There was really nothing I could do, so I wrote a bad review of him on Yelp! to at least vent my frustration. A few years went by, I went elsewhere to get a card, and another company bought the URL “DrReefer.com.” This new company is cool as shit, and totally legit — they offered to help all of Dr. Reefer’s disgruntled former patients reach an amicable solution, and by golly they actually honored their promise to renew my card this year for free. AWESOME!! From now on, I am sending all interested parties to their office — they’re professional and totally legit. Check ‘em out!!
So finally after all that shit was done, I headed out to California for the holidays. By this time, I was full-on SICK AS FUCK — runny nose, watery eyes, nasty-ass ear infection, etc. I had a photo shoot booked in the Bay Area the following day, so I figured to take it easy during the 9-hour drive out there by drinking plenty of fluids, and stopping every few hours to put in these ear drops where I have to keep my head tilted to the side for 5 minutes. Consequently, I was constantly having to stop at random truck stops to park and tilt my head with the engine idling. FUN!
Well, I made it OK, and woke up the next morning to get ready for my shoot. I’m here to tell you — there is NOTHING harder than trying to look alluring and sexy when you feel and look like a scabby bag of mucous!!!!! Somehow I managed to sack up and go through with the shoot…but the minute it was over I collapsed into a pile of quivering, feverish snot. I don’t have any more photo shoots or looks-based obligations until Dec. 27th, so I figured it was at long last time to REST!
WRONG!!!! During all of this, as I was packing the night before I left for California, I noticed that my poor dog looked really bloated, and was acting weird. He’s getting up there in age (about 10 years old…I got him at the pound, so I can’t be sure), so I asked my roommate to keep an eye on him while I was gone, and to take him to the vet if he looked bad. Well, I guess he took a turn for the worse right when I left…so my roommate took him in. They sucked out 2 liters of fluid from his abdomen, and ran a bunch of tests, which the results haven’t come back yet…but meanwhile, I’m sick as fuck and ate a pot brownie and chugged a bunch of NyQuil to get some sleep, and the fucking vet is calling me and waking me up every 30 minutes to give me updates/ask permission to charge my credit card $765 (!!!!!!) for services. F U C K ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
I’ll find out the test results tomorrow, and then I have to decide: exactly how much do I love this dog?! I mean, I got him at the fucking pound back in 2007 — I’ve already given him 6 long years of good life; how much more am I supposed to shell out? If you ask me, $765 is already more than I’d want to spend on an animal…but I was sick and out of it and 600 miles away, so I couldn’t really argue with the vet. Now I bet they’re gonna tell me he has a heart problem that requires $100/month or more in medicines…and I hate to say it, but I am unwilling/unable to spend that on a dog…especially when there are plenty of other dogs at the pound needing a home!!! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! It would be really sad to put the poor little fucker down…but fuck, I have to be realistic. I guess we’ll see what happens :-/