Awake For 36 Hours in Vegas

Posted on May 5, 2013 by wonderhussy
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At the Def Leppard show last month, with my friends Paul, Cathy and Trixie

The other day, I decided to stay awake for 36 hours straight. Fairly easy to do in a 24-hour city like Vegas….right?!

Now you may be asking yourself, “Why the fuck would anyone want to skip a night’s sleep?” Well, I was trying it as a possible insomnia remedy.

As you may know, I have suffered from insomnia since around March 2010. It set on very suddenly — prior to that I had no sleep issues whatsoever. Over the last three years, I have tried every stinking remedy under the sun: Ambien, Lunesta, Trazodone, Temazepam, Seroquel, OTC sleep aids, herbal remedies, acupuncture, meditation, yoga, chiropractor, sleep restriction therapy, behavioral modification, etc. NONE of these worked WHATSOEVER (well, Seroquel worked…but it is prohibitively expensive, and has a list of serious side-effects a mile long). I ended up getting a medical marijuana prescription, which actually works better than ANY of the above-mentioned therapies…but it doesn’t work all the time.

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D’OH!!!!!

Meanwhile, I have of course also wracked my brains trying to figure out what might have caused the insomnia in the first place. What the fuck did I do to myself around the time it started? My initial suspicion was drugs: I took LSD and ecstasy together shortly before the insomnia kicked in, and it seems to have permanently altered my brain chemistry. I’m not normally a big druggie, but it was my first time at Burning Man, and “everyone was doing it.” Arrrgh!

But I read something online the other day that gave me another idea. At the exact time the insomnia kicked in, I had also started working for a breath-holding fetish website; the guy who runs the site has a big doctor’s office setup in his house, and he films girls holding their breath as long as they can, while hooked up to EKGs and whatnot. The longer you can hold your breath, the more money you make — and the guy basically eggs you on by mocking you if you hold it for less than 3 minutes. In fact, he encourages you to hold it to the point of passing out — he claims it’s safe, as you will immediately regain consciousness once your muscles relax.

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Was THIS what started my insomnia?

Well, I wasn’t about to pass out just for some asshole’s jerk joy…but being a competitive person, I did push myself as hard as I could, to see if I could beat all the other models. My personal record was 4min, 20sec — I almost passed out.

Anyway, I distinctly remember the insomnia kicking in the very night after I shot my first videos for that site — it was like my body/brain was afraid to relax and “let go” all the way; like I was afraid I’d stop breathing if I fell unconscious. Hmmm!

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Doing a corporate event with “Donald Trump,” LOL!!!

I quit shooting for that site a long time ago, but I still have a bitch of a time sleeping. Not to bore my regular readers, but just in case some neurologist is reading this, here’s what happens: I generally fall asleep quickly, and sleep very deeply for 2-4 hours. Then my brains clicks on, and I am unable to fall back into a deep sleep. At best, I can fall into a light Stage I sleep, which is not very restful. A few hits on my pipe can usually get me back into a decent, deeper sleep…but not always. Like I went camping at these hot springs a few weeks back, and I swear I did not get ANY deep sleep at all — a light, fitful doze was all I managed. And I was high as a kite!

This is where I feel like behavioral therapy is a total crock of shit. Basically, it involves reconditioning to your brain to associate “bed” with “sleep:” you only get in your bed when you are ready to sleep. No reading in bed, no TV in bed. The bedroom must be completely dark and cool. Eventually, your brain automatically will get sleepy when you enter the bedroom.

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Caddying at a golf event a few weeks ago

It’s touted as the most effective insomnia treatment out there, but it completely fucks up your ability to sleep anywhere else but in your own bed!! I mean, hello! Now my sleep is only manageable if I am at home, in my own bed, with earplugs and enough marijuana to clobber a horse. If I try to sleep anywhere else (like camping), I’m fucked.

Now I’m supposed to go to Ireland for a photo shoot in two weeks, and I can’t even bring my fucking marijuana with me, because it’s “illegal.” WTF!! I’m kinda skeered that I won’t be able to sleep as a result, and thus will look all haggard for the shoot. So I decided to try one more “cure:” staying up for 36 hours straight, to “re-set” my internal clock.

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Out in the desert a couple months ago…can’t remember photographer’s name icon sad Awake For 36 Hours in Vegas

People have been telling me to try this for the last few years, but I never did it because frankly, skipping a night’s sleep sounds miserable. But here I am, desperate…so I decided to finally give it a shot. And guess what? It was miserable!

I chose last Monday to do this because I was booked for a TV commercial shoot that was scheduled til 1am…and then I had nothing to do the following day that required me to look good, so it wouldn’t matter if I was beat the fuck up. So, I woke up Monday morning around 11am…and thus began my 36-hour-odyssey.

I basically pissed away the afternoon on the computer, then went to the gym and lifted weights for an hour around 5pm. Then I got dressed and headed downtown to the commercial set.

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pink Elvis

I had to sign a nondisclosure agreement, so I can’t really tell you what the shoot was for icon sad Awake For 36 Hours in Vegas Basically, there’s a big event on the horizon in downtown Las Vegas, and this was a promo spot to advertise it. They needed a bunch of wacky people in kooky costumes to go down and party in the street, so I suited up in my pink Elvis costume and went down to join in the fray.

The street was full of crazy Burning Man-types in tutus and furry mascot costumes and whatnot, riding bikes and hula hooping and just generally being craaaaaay-zaaaaay. Then against this backdrop, the event organizers had these lame trendy Coachella-type chicks walking back and forth looking sexy. The message appears to be “Wow, this event is gonna be FUN and KOOKY but there will also be plenty of REGULAR HOT CHICKS around so don’t worry! It will still be a hipster fuckfest!”

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Got this care package from Rummelsnuff, in Germany

Us regular kooks were instructed to party hearty in the street, dancing and carrying on while the camera filmed the hot chicks walking around looking hot and trendy. This we did from about 8pm-1am, at which time they finally wrapped the shoot and turned us loose. I was in no hurry to leave, as I couldn’t go to bed anyway…so I basically loitered around and had some pizza from craft services (they made us wait outside while the principals and crew ate, then let us in to gather up the crumbs afterward. Life on the D List, indeed).

After that, around 1:30am, some castmates and I went across the street to the Beauty Bar for a drink. The Beauty Bar is this trendy “dive” bar decorated to look like a 1960s beauty salon; I had another Sailor Jerry & Coke (needed that caffeine to stay awake) and chatted with my friends awhile until they, too, left. Then I chatted with these two British tourists, who bought me more Sailor Jerry’s & Cokes, and tried to get me to sing karaoke. I put in a request with the DJ (remember, I was wearing a pink Elvis costume…so it would have been killer!), but they never did call my name. So around 3am, I finally left.

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I’m SOOO TIRED :-/

I shuffled slo-o-o-wly back to my truck, where I changed into more comfortable clothes, and then headed over to Wal-Mart for some grocery shopping. For the first time in my life I took my sweet-ass time driving; normally I rush about town, hither and yon, all the livelong day, in a mad race against the clock…but now, I found myself in the unusual position of having nothing but time!! WEIRD!

I went into Wal-Mart and basically dragged ass through the whole store; it was one of those Wal-Mart Supercenters that sell everything, so I went through the makeup section, the hardware section, the food section, and then made a lengthy stop in the book section…just for laffs.

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The things I do to stay awake…

The selection of books at Wal-Mart says everything about America: big Spanish-language section, big Christian section (“A Mom’s Devotional Guide,” etc.), big Harlequin Romance section. They even had Christian romances in Spanish, LOL!!!! I ended up killing quite a bit of time there, like the snarky hipster that I am.

The best part of being at Wal-Mart at 3:30am is, the store was actually nearly deserted!! This was probably the only

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LMFAO!! Here’s the romance novel for ME!!!!

time I’ve been to that particular Wal-Mart where I didn’t feel like I was on Ellis Island circa 1917 — no crushing throngs of unwashed humanity, for once. The cashier told me that 2-3:30am is golden hour; the bums and ho’s are gone, and the early-birds haven’t arrived yet. But that’s not to say there weren’t any freaks around: I spotted a fantasically bearded woman by the vending machines out front. I mean, this woman had a full ginger-colored, Amish-style beard not unlike that of Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movies!!

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you can just BARELY make out the bearded lady in this pic

It was breathtaking!!! Alas, I couldn’t get a good snapshot of her for the “People of WalMart” site…as it was, I think she saw me trying to get a pic from my car, and yelled something at me. D’oh!!!

So I left Wal-Mart and cruised slo-o-o-wly home, where I unpacked my shopping, then washed the grime off my Elvis costume –it was nearly ruined from this bullshit water they kept hosing down the street with; the pant cuffs got really stained icon sad Awake For 36 Hours in Vegas Then I soaked my filthy feet in a bucket of warm water and tried not to fall asleep as I waited for sunrise. Once the sun came up, I figured I’d be OK, as it would be easier to occupy myself and not get sleepy.

When the first rays of light came peeking over Sunrise Mountain, I grabbed my camera and went out to cruise around and take some bad-ass sunrise photos of Vegas…you know; fading neon signs and bums and stuff like that. But I had forgotten to charge my camera battery, so all I had was my little pocket cam, which didn’t seem worth it. I sort of drove around aimlessly for awhile, then decided I could make better use of the cool morning light by doing some yard work.

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my embarrassing “yard”

I have these giant bushes of deer grass in my front yard that are totally overgrown and dead, and needed to be pruned back. So I spent a couple hours from 6-8am chopping and lopping and raking and bagging this shit up, before it got too hot. Then I went in and took a nice hot shower, brushed my teeth, made a pot of coffee and pretended like it was a new day. Well, it was a new day; but you know what I mean.

I sat down to check my email as I always

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must…stay…awake…

do upon waking, and that’s when I started getting REALLY sleepy! Uh-oh!!!! I kept chugging coffee, trying to jolt myself into wakey-wakey mode, and finally got up, put on some makeup, and went out to get some breakfast at the Blueberry Hill coffee shop down the street from my house. I figured I’d spend the day cruising around town to various thrift stores, looking for funky bargains — something I never seem to have time to do. Well, today I had nothing BUT time!

It was kinda hairy driving around town in my sleep-deprived state, so I blasted the oldies station and brayed along with it just to keep myself awake. As luck would have it they played “Rock Around the Clock,” so I made up my own words as I sang along: “I’m gonna ROCK around the CLOCK today, I’m gonna cure this damn IN-SOM-NI-AY…” Etc.! It was a real hoot, let me tell you.

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no wonder I can’t sleep, with stupid shit like THIS on my conscience!

Around noon I got sooooooooooo sleepy I couldn’t stand it, so I went home and had another Coke and gave myself a MUCH-needed pedicure. While doing my pedi, I searched hulu for something halfway decent to watch, and ended up watching this excellent documentary about the people who jumped from the World Trade Center on 9/11. Awful/sad/fascinating enough to keep me awake for a couple more hours!

After that, one of my girlfriends had invited me to accompany her out to the Sekhmet Fertility Temple near Indian Springs — a little adobe temple out in the middle of the desert that this priestess erected to thank the Egyptian fertility goddess Sekhmet for getting her pregnant. It’s open to the public until sundown, and is used for all kinds of Womanhood Rituals and witchcraft kinda stuff after dark (it’s where I went to the Bonedance celebration one Halloween). A really cool place!

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Sekhmet temple

While I was waiting for her to get off work, I cruised around to some more thrift stores, then went to 7-Eleven for a Coke-flavored Slurpee. I don’t normally drink this much soda, but I was desperate to stay awake, ya know?! Finally she was ready, and we drove out to Indian Springs just in time for the sunset, which was gorgeous out there. I wandered around the temple and the grounds, and made some offerings to one of the goddess statues. Good times!

We got back around 8pm, and I still had 3 hours before I could go to sleep…so I took my dog for a walk with one of my neighbors and his dog. We shuffled aimlessly around the neighborhood for an hour or two, and then I finally went home, took another shower, washed my hair, and got ready for bed. FINALLY around 11:30pm I fell asleep reading a magazine, with the lights on and everything (I know you’re not supposed to read in bed, but that behavioral therapy shit doesn’t work anyway, so who cares?). I slept for about 5 hours solid, then my brain clicked on as usual. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! You’d think after a 36-hour day I’d stay asleep longer than that!!!

So I got up, turned off the light, hit my pipe and went back to sleep…and that was that. A failed experiment — it had no lasting effect on my sleep. But it was an interesting experiment!

The next day, out of curiosity, I got some Ambien and tried that again to see if maybe it would work; I took a 10mg pill, and it only put me out for 5 hours, again. Five hours is NOT enough to leave me refreshed — I still felt exhausted!! Next time I guess I’ll try 15 or 20mg.

So anyway, I give up for now. And please don’t send me any emails asking if I’ve ever tried warm milk/Valerian root/relaxation breathing/isochronic tones. I’VE TRIED THEM ALL!!!! The only other thing I might end up trying is called Brainwave Entrainment — sort of like biofeedback, but it costs $3,000 and I don’t have that kind of money to piss away on another failed treatment. I have a good friend who is a lifelong insomniac, and he swears it helped him…but everyone is different, and I just can’t afford to spend that kind of coin on an experiment. Maybe if I get on Wheel of Fortune, and win a pile of cash.

Anyhoo, in other news, I also went on another date from WhatsYourPrice.com…and this time it was a GREAT experience! This doctor from California hired me to go to dinner at the Wynn hotel, and we enjoyed a very pleasant evening. We hit it off so well that I ended up meeting him for dinner another night as well — and even joined him by the pool one day, becoming pretty good friends with him. All that hanging out at the Wynn was a blast – it’s a really classy, beautiful hotel, and a nice change from the usual dives I loiter in.

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the mannequin (shudder!)

But the BEST part was when I valet parked my beater-ass old truck. A few months ago, a friend gave me a remote-controlled fart machine — I was supposed to hide it under that fucking Celine Dion mannequin’s dress, then set it off at random intervals when stupid fucking sad-sacks came over to pose for photos with the mannequin.

Alas, I quit that job before I was able to pull it off, so now I just had the fart machine sitting in my truck, waiting to be used. I drove around town with it on the passenger seat for quite awhile, and it would just randomly go off at weird intervals. I think because it’s remote-controlled, any time I got an incoming text message or email, the radio waves or whatever would set it off. Anyhoo, to show you how immature I am…every time that thing went off, I laughed hysterically. It NEVER got old!

But then one day I had to drive this photographer around the desert, so I stashed the machine in the glove box, and clipped the remote controller to my sun visor — far enough away from the machine to where it wouldn’t set it off, I hoped. It didn’t go off all day, so I left it there….but now, randomly, the fucking thing goes off in the middle of nowhere, apropos of nothing. I’ll be driving along, and Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!!! A huge fart erupts in my glove box. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (I told you I am immature, haha.)

So, what does this have to do with the Wynn? Well, my favorite thing about this fart machine is when I valet park my truck somewhere, and the valet brings me my car, and I can hear the fart machine go off. The poor valet attendant never knows what the fuck is going on!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s a riot; especially at a “classy” joint like the Wynn!!!!!!!

Now finally, speaking of classy…I’ve been going on on the Strip lately in my Mary Jane costume, trying to earn a few bucks as a street busker. I generally go out with my buddy Jay Joint, and we do all right — we average about $28/hour each (we split the take). It’s pretty tiring work because you’re on your feet all night, on concrete, dealing with drunks and degenerates….but it still beats working for The Man, ya know?!!

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This episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letters “M” and “J”
pic by Adam Sternberg/ShotbyAdam.com

The other night I went out with a photographer friend, ShotByAdam.com, who was doing a photojournalist-type essay on street performers for his awesome blog. He basically followed me around as I posed for pics the various weirdos out on the Strip, and it was a blast!!! I had already agreed to cover someone’s shift at the nightclub where I used to work later that night, but I was having so much fun out there that I almost wanted to stay and blow off the club! But the club pays a guaranteed $200, so I went with that.

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DIY porn — the ultimate tourist experience! Some guy gave us this flyer one night while we were busking, LOL

I will be sure to post a link to his blog article when he posts it — it’s gonna be awesome! I ended up making $22 just standing around for the photo shoot, and HALF of that was from this poor porn-slapper standing on the street handing out those little escort flyers. He barely spoke English, and didn’t even have a camera, but he kept tipping me anyway! Awwww!

Anyhoo, I better go get ready for another night of busking fun. Jay Joint and I are planning to go out and take advantage of the big Saturday night crowds: not only is it Cinco de Mayo weekend, but there’s also some big Mayweather fight going on, so there’s sure to be a lot of tourists out and about. Better hit the gym, and then get ready!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Wandering the Seven Seas of Puss

Posted on April 23, 2013 by wonderhussy
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pic by Bob Roth

I was doing a photo shoot at the Tuscany Hotel the other afternoon, when the photographer asked me, “Say, would you mind trying something a little….kinky??”

Uh-oh!!!

If you’d had the kind of week I’d just had, it would have given you pause, too. I mean, I have a pretty high tolerance for/interest in some fairly weird stuff…but some of my misadventures lately have been a bit rich, even for my blood!

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pic by Bob Roth

It all started when an old acquaintance called me the other week, out of the blue. This is someone I’ve known for over ten years, but haven’t talked to since around 2010 — a 60-ish lounge singer/ladies’ man/aspiring photographer/gym rat I used to hang with way back in the day. Well, in the time since we’d last talked, “Dino” (not his real name) had gotten into the fringes of the porn industry. While singing at a corporate party, he met the president of some porn production company, and somehow ended up as their Vegas talent procurer.

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pic by Bob Roth

Say what you will about this guy — he has an uncanny knack with the ladies, and he managed to scout a few astonishingly good-looking girls around town: one at the gym, one at Roberto’s taco stand, etc. Somehow, he was able to talk these everyday chicks into performing in porn movies…and now, every weekend he loads four at a time into his SUV and drives them all down to L.A. for shoots. Dino is basically a glorified babysitter — he drives them to the shoots, makes sure they’re not fucked up, makes sure they’re hair- and makeup-ready, and even directs them during the shoot (since the girls are comfortable with him, they allow Dino to direct a little, in the name of making things easier). He tries to book multiple shoots for the weekend, to make it worth everyone’s time, and the production companies pay him for his services, as well as taking care of his and his girls’ room and meals while in L.A. It’s a great gig!

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pic by Bob Roth

Well, whenever he finds a new girl in Vegas, he shoots a little promo video of her, to show his bosses in L.A. He was using a male actor in some of the clips, but the guy flaked on him one too many times, so now Dino started standing in, instead. He films himself from the neck down only, so as to preserve his identity, and basically holds the camera with one hand while the girl gives him a blow job. When he showed the first clip to his bosses, and confided in them that it was his penis in the shot, they got all excited. Apparently, he has an exceptionally photogenic dick — they said it has a “silky” look to it, and they encouraged him to shoot more content of himself.

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pic by Anonymous

So now Dino needs someone to do the filming, because he can’t keep holding the camera out at an awkward angle — he wants to get creative, and shoot some fetish-type stuff…and he needs both hands for that. Remembering what an open-minded kind of person I am, he called me up out of the blue, to ask if I’d be interested in working for him, shooting footage of him and his girls. Why me? Well, aside from my being open-minded, he also knows that I won’t judge him, make fun of him, or reveal his identity — basically, he trusts me. Awwwww!

So I agreed to come over to his house for a (paid) introductory session, during which he showed me all the photos and videos he’d taken thus far.  I was astonished at how beautiful this one chick in particular was — you know how porn chicks are usually pretty gnarly and hardened looking? Well, this girl is the classic “girl-next-door.” A very marketable look! And there she was, sucking Dino’s “silky” dick on camera. Wow!!

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pic by Anonymous

I accepted the job, so in the near future I guess I will become a pornographess. Yay!! I’ve been wanting to get on the other side of the camera, anyway — this should be an interesting way to get in on the action. The only bummer is, he asked me what I’d want to be paid, and I had no idea what to charge for my videography skills: “Uhhhh…I don’t know; $25/hour?” He accepted my bid right away, so I get the feeling I should have asked for WAY more…but what the hell do I know?? D’OH!!!! I’m a terrible businesswoman.

So while all of that was going on, I was still going about my business, doing all the other strange gigs that come my way. Most of my work was photo shoots — I’ve been doing a lot of them lately, both out in the desert and in various hotel rooms around town. I often tell people “I’ve been in more hotel rooms than a prostitute!” and it’s true. Most photographers I shoot with are business professionals in town for one trade show or another, and photography is just a hobby for them. To blow off steam after a long day at the convention center, they set up a shoot or two at their hotel rooms after hours. There’s not usually anything weird about it — hotel rooms make pretty good studios if you bring a few lights with you, and the furniture and decor is generally fairly nice. Plus, as a model I feel a bit safer at a hotel/casino, what with all the security around…as opposed to shooting way out in the desert, ya know?

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pic by Anonymous

Usually, like I said, the photographer is some fusty old corporate-type — which is fine with me; I don’t judge! But a couple weeks ago, I showed up for a shoot at Ballys (of all places, LOL)…and the photographer turned out to be a super hot rocker-type dude from a band I think I might have actually heard of! I can’t give many details, as his wife is extremely jealous, and supposedly would have a shit fit if she knew he was shooting a model. I mean, she knows he has a photography business on the side…but according to him, if she knew he was paying a model, she’d freak. So he asked me not to even credit the photos he’d taken of me!! A shame…because they are really good photos (all the ones in this post credited to “Anonymous” are by him)!

What’s ironic about all this is, the main reason they are going through such tough times in their relationship right now, is she cheated on him! I truly wish I could give you all the bizarre details, because they are worthy of a movie (or at least an episode of Jerry Springer), but I promised I wouldn’t write anything too detailed about him. Arrrgh! But suffice it to say, I spent a good half of the shoot acting as therapist for him, while he poured out all his troubles and marital woes to me. (Little known fact: I am a great listener.)

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one of the Canadian pornographers

Anyway, that was a fantastic shoot, as were most of the others I’ve done lately. One day I went over to the always-glamorous Palace Station hotel for a shoot with these Canadian pornographers, who run some kinda website featuring girls stripping and talking about themselves. It was pretty basic stuff — pose for cutesy pics, then prance around for short video clips of the same. The interview part was much more fun — I ended up singing the “Ode to Joy” from Beethoven’s 9th Symphony (they had asked me what my favorite song was) while sucking on a lollipop they had given me as a prop. Whatever!!

Another day, I got up and ready by the insanely early hour of 9:30am for a shoot out at the Clark County Heritage Museum — an outdoor collection of rusty old mining equipment and old houses down on Boulder Highway, in Hendertucky. The photographer had me come out there early so as to avoid “crowds.” Crowds?! Who the fuck even knows about the Clark County Heritage Museum??! And even if you know about it…who the fuck goes out there on a windy, chilly Wednesday?

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pic by Anonymous

Apparently, every asshole and his Aunt Mae, that’s who! That fucking museum was slammed, even at 9:30am — retirees, travelers and busloads of excitable schoolchildren running around on field trips!!! It was awkward as hell — here I am, trying to pose in my cheesy “sexy pin-up” outfits on tractors and cabooses and whatnot, while hordes of snickering schoolkiddies look on. Awkward!!!!! To make matters worse, it was really windy that day — my false eyelashes kept blowing loose, and I was wearing this cheesy blue dress I got once from a Bud Light promo gig, which has a slit right up the middle. I almost flashed those poor, innocent schoolkids a time or two! A very trying shoot.

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pic by Anonymous

But if I thought that was trying, boy was I ever in for a surprise. I got booked for another shoot over at Harrah’s one night that turned out to be the perviest thing I’ve ever witnessed! It started out as usual: the photographer asked me to bring lingerie and cute little outfits, which I could strip out of as he blasted away with his state-of-the-art prosumer equipment. He was a nice enough guy — maybe a little sweaty-palmed/nervous, but we had a decent rapport going as we shot, chatting about this and that. I mentioned that I did a lot of fetish modeling, and what a coincidence, he happened to shoot fetish videos, too!

According to him, he had a gig shooting fetish clips for the private collection of an attorney in his hometown — this guy would pay him to shoot videos of guys jerking off, while models sat on the sofa nearby watching. No contact, no sexual behavior on the part of the model, nothing untoward — just sit on the sofa and watch the guy jerk off. “Would you be interested? It only takes 15 minutes, and pays $100.”

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pic by Anonymous

“Yeah, sure, if I’m ever in San Antonio I’ll let ya know.” I wasn’t really interested; I was just being polite. But then he goes, “Oh no, we could do one right here, at the end of our shoot!” Apparently, just like my friend Dino, he had been using male models off Craigslist to do the jerking off…but one too many had flaked on him, so now he just set his camera on a tripod, and filmed himself jerking it, from the neck down so as to preserve his identity. Hmmm.

“Weeeelll….OK,” I said. I mean, all I had to do was sit on the sofa, right? How bad could it be????

So now he was all excited, and finished up the rest of our shoot in record time — the two hour shoot only took 59 minutes, LOL. Then he sets up the camera on a tripod, and tells me what I have to do. And it’s not just sitting on the couch!!! Now it turns out I have to walk back and forth, then take off my clothes, kneel next to him, and then go sit on the sofa.

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pic by Anonymous

“Whaaaaat? No way, man! I am not kneeling naked next to you while you jerk off!! That sounds like prostitution to me — how do I know you’re not vice??!” We haggled back and forth, and to his credit he gave me plenty of opportunity to back out. But finally we agreed on a scenario where I would just sit on the sofa naked while he jerked off about 10 feet away. Still gross….but whatever.

If anyone ever sees this video, you will die laughing (or crying)…I must look soooo uncomfortable. I sat there staring at the camera while he whipped out his turkey-neck-looking dick and went to town. While he did his thing, I pondered the intricacies of prostitution laws: was this considered prostitution? Or did the fact that he was filming it somehow protect it as mere pornography? I am endlessly fascinated by what exactly constitutes prostitution — I feel like the laws are total bullshit. You can fuck a guy for free, or in exchange for a car…but if he gives you cash, you’re a prostitute. Huh?? Meanwhile, you can pay a girl cash to have sex on camera, and it’s totally legal — as long as someone is filming it. If you ask me, these laws are seriously fucked up and a total waste of time.

IMG 3229 pe 200x300 Wandering the Seven Seas of Puss

pic by Anonymous

Anyhoo, after about 30 sec of ruminating, he shot his wad, washed his hands, and paid me. The 2-hour shoot he’d hired me for was over with in 75 minutes, and I had a $100 bonus to show for it. I felt kinda dirty, but what are ya gonna do? Now that I think about it, I bet there was no “attorney” paying him to shoot these “fetish videos;” I bet it was just a ruse, to get me to watch him jerk off. WHATEVER! Coming as it did on the heels of my thing with Dino, I had found it semi-believable…so please don’t laugh at me too hard!

Soooooo, after all that weirdness, you can see why I bristled when this guy at the Tuscany asked me if I minded doing something “kinky.” But all it turned out to be was, he wanted me to lay on the bed naked while he placed little plastic frogs, race cars and a dinosaur all over my body. LOL! You call that kinky, Mister????! It was a breeze – especially because the guy was a total professional about the shoot, and actually used a light meter and stuff, and gave me actual direction in my posing. And he finished shooting 30 minutes early — always a plus. Kudos to you, Mr. Legit Photographer! May there be many more of you in my future.

375854 623016884392640 1516000556 n 300x225 Wandering the Seven Seas of PussSo that was all my photo shoots lately, but I did plenty of other borderline-skeezy gigs too — it was just that kind of week. Was it something in the air??? Ugh! First, I had a date with a guy from WhatsYourPrice.com, who had hired me to keep him company at the pool, at the hotel where he was staying. I showed up around 1pm and he was a nice enough, good-looking guy from Florida…but he was a total alkie!! He kept telling me I wasn’t drinking enough, but jeez! I didn’t want to get wasted in the afternoon, for Pete’s sake. As it was I had three Captain Morgan & Cokes…but even that didn’t satisfy him, as he was basically chain-chugging scotches.

We had a pleasant enough conversation for the first hour or so, but then he got drunker and drunker, and pretty annoying. The weather was kinda shitty, too — really windy and on the chilly side — so after a couple hours, we packed it in. He invited me up to his room, where he had bought me a bottle of Captain Morgan, and I think he basically expected me to fall into bed. But to his immense drunken dismay, I just mixed a drink and stood by the door until he followed me back downstairs. HELLO??! Here is what it says on my WhatsYourPrice profile, VERBATIM:

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What It’s Like to be on Jeopardy!

Posted on April 17, 2013 by wonderhussy

I was just reading an article about Ken Jennings, the über-nerd who had the all-time winningest streak on the TV game show Jeopardy! It seems that brainy fucker has successfully turned being a TV nerd into a career — WTF!! Why didn’t *I* think of that?!

unlimited2 300x219 What Its Like to be on Jeopardy!

See? I really was on Jeopardy!

Well, actually, I did. Back in 2004, I decided that I should go on Jeopardy! myself, to prove to the world how smart I was/am. In those days, no one knew me as anything more than an alcoholic bimbo…so I had a lot to prove.

Anyhoo, I passed all the tests and made it onto the show just fine….but UNFORTUNATELY, as luck would have it, my appearance coincided with the run of….wait for it…. none other than Ken Motherfucking Jennings! ARRRGH!! Talk about having the deck stacked against you. I think he was on his 14th show or something like that when they pitted my pathetic ass against him. Ugh!!

Rather that go through all that nonsense again, I’m just going to repost some excerpts from my old blog that I had back then…in which I documented the whole miserable process. If you’ve ever been curious about what it’s like to be on Jeopardy!, or if you’ve ever been curious what it’s like when an alkie bimbo from Vegas goes on Jeopardy!…you just might find it interesting. ENJOY!!!

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2-20-04

Everybody, you know how I’ve been saying for a long time how I want to try and get on Jeopardy! to win some money?  Well, the only problem was that I never got my lazy ass around to going out to Burbank for an audition.  But thank God the other day their crew came into Vegas for some local tryouts, and I was able to go over and take the test to see if I have what it takes!!!!  Now this was a really big deal, because I had to get my ass out of bed at 8am to schlep over to the first audition, where the first 1,000 people in line got to take a 10-question pre-test, just to winnow out the chaff from the good stuff and see who was qualified to take the actual audition test.

What a bunch of freaks!  You never saw such a bunch of Vegas morons, and yes, I was the biggest one of all!  Actually, I was secretly stoked because for once in my life, I was the cutest, youngest person in the room.  Yahoo!  The rest of the crowd was nerdy shlumps and wannabes, so I really felt good about myself and my prospects.  Especially when the TV channel started filming, and this lady from the newspaper interviewed me as to why I wanted to try out for Jeopardy!: “I want to prove to the world that I’m not a bimbo.”  And that’s the sad truth!  I figure that in today’s TV-opiated world, the best way to show all the schmucks and a**holes I know that I have a brain is by going on Jeopardy!  That explains to them, in a language they can understand, that I’m a real smart cookie.

So I took the pre-test, and it was pretty tough!  Only about 100 people passed, and thank Christ I was one of ‘em.  Just to give you an idea, here are the questions they asked on the pre-test (not even the real test, mind you):

  • The star Betelgeuse is located in this hunter’s constellation
  • This 19th-century President’s middle name was Birchard
  • This Francis Ford Coppola film was based on Joseph Conrad’s The Heart of Darkness
  • This author wrote about the character Sam Spade
  • Bill Clinton was a Rhodes Scholar at this university
  • Celery, apples and walnuts are tossed with mayonnaise in this salad
  • Mike Meyers starred in this “un-fairy-tale”
  • Spider-Man’s alter ego
  • Santiago is the capital of this country.
  • I forgot #10.  But those are tough questions, don’t you think?!!!!!!!

So then the next day I had to go take the real test, over at this one off-Strip casino, and I had to get up at 8am AGAIN!   But now I was ready.  See, right after I passed the test the day before, I had gone over to the library right away to bone up on my two weak areas, Shakespeare and Greek Mythology.  Actually I have many weak areas, but those 2 are the ones they always seem to ask you about on the show (and happen to be 2 things that I find INSUFFERABLY BORING!!!!!!).  Meanwhile, I studied all the State Capitals and State Nicknames, and then right before I took the test I ate a Balance bar to get my brain flowing.  So I was ready to rock, and thank God I passed the test again!  And this time it was REALLY hard!  They asked us not to reveal what questions were asked, so I won’t tell you those details here, but suffice it to say they ranged from topics as diverse as Destiny’s Child to that motherf*cker himself, Shakespeare (my studying didn’t help me there, unfortunately).

But what was really amazing and worth getting up at 8am for was that they had told us to come dressed as we would for the actual show, so you can imagine what all the freaks and geeks were wearing.  Tweed!  Sweaters!  Crummy suits and ties!!!!!  Not me, though.  I was cool as a cucumber in my plaid micro-miniskirt and my favorite go-go boots… plus I made sure to stick on my lucky decorative Bindi jewels (I’m back with the Bindis, and I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on them!).  So not only did I blow ‘em away with my amazing range of knowledge, but I also stood out from the crowd.  You could tell everyone thought I was a real bim with no chance in hell, but guess what, suckaz?

About 20 people ended up passing, so then we all had to take part in a practice game where we had to buzz in and answer in the form of a question and all that stuff.  After that we had to do the little interview bit, just so they could discern who was interesting and comfortable in front of an audience.  Hey, if that’s not me, then I don’t know who it is!

After that they just threw our applications in a big bag and said “We’ll call you when we need you.”  They might never call, or they might not call for months.  Or they might call tomorrow!  That’s the magic of Jeopardy!  You just never know.  Meanwhile, I’m speed-reading Hamlet and Lysistrata.  UGHHHHHHHHHH!  I knew I should have paid better attention when I was at the palace of Knossos this past summer.  Oh, well!

Actually, to be fair, it wasn’t all nerdy old men in sweaters and tweed who passed the audition – they only made up about 90%.  There were also a few fat younger chicks, including this one in fishnet tights.  She was pretty cool, I’ll admit.  Then there was this one really canny Asian b*tch, who I’ll have to watch out for.  Actually, I have to watch out, period – there are a lot of smart motherf*ckers out there, even in Vegas!  I was shocked, but it’s really true.  Hopefully, if I get picked to be on the show, it’ll be up against two dumbasses – but I don’t know how likely that is, considering that there were 20 really smart people even in friggin’ VEGAS!  Actually, I don’t even expect to win at all.  I know I’ll freeze up or get a bunch of whack physics questions or something, but hey – even the third-place “winner” walks with a cool $1,000.  Not a bad price for your dignity!  Besides, I’m not telling ANYONE – ANYONE! – when I get called to go on.  I’ll just wait to see how well I do.  If I bail, you’ll never need to know when the episode airs.  On the other hand, if I do okay, I’ll let you all know right here when to watch.

The other amazing thing about all this was, I was stone-cold sober the entire time.  Yikes!  But hey, it was early morning, and I’m not quite that big an alkie yet.  I wanted to sneak out while they were grading our tests and knock back a Bloody Mary or two, but I was like, “No, Sarah Jane!  Prove to them that YOU CAN DO IT sober!”  So I did it, and it sucked.  You can bet your sweet bippy that if I get called out to LA for a real show, my flask is coming with me.

2-27-04

Hey everyone, you know how I successfully auditioned for Jeopardy! last week, but didn’t get my hopes up because they told me it might be months before they called me – IF they even called me at all??  Well, guess what?   Those motherf*ckers barely waited for the weekend to be over before calling my slumbering ass first thing Monday morning!  I have to go out there NEXT WEDNESDAY and be on the show!!!

Listen, I am really freaking out about this.  Remember how shocked I was to see how smart the other people trying out at the audition were?  Well, my plan was to use the intervening months before I appeared on the show to STUDY, STUDY, STUDY – classical mythology, Shakespeare, Oscar winners, world capitals, etc. etc. etc.  Now it turns out I have less than ONE WEEK to cram all that bullsh*t into my head!  It’s not going to happen, I fear… so I’ve abandoned that plan in favor of a new strategy: to NOT THINK ABOUT IT at ALL, then show up with a buzz on and hope all goes well.  So far it’s working!

Seriously, I watched an episode of the show on TV the other night just to see what was going on, and I almost sh*t bricks.  Maybe it was just the categories they had on that night, but I didn’t know ANYTHING!  That’s the problem with Jeopardy!… it’s all the luck of the draw.  If they end up having categories you know about, you’re in.  If not… you end up looking like an ass and a bimbo in front of millions of people!  I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen, but just in case… when the contestant coordinator asked me how many audience members I would be bringing, I said, “ZERO!  I’m not letting anyone see me go down!!!”

Now hopefully I won’t “go down” at all.  I don’t expect to win, but so long as I end up in 2nd place, or at least in the black, I’ll be OK.  Like I said before, 3rd place walks with $1,000, so I figure it’ll be worth it – although when you think about it, after the g.d. government gets its share, I’ll be left with just enough to cover the cost of booze to sustain me through the whole ordeal.  So I’ll be lucky to break even!

Meanwhile, like I said my strategy has been to not think about it at all, so that’s just what I’ve been doing….

3-5-04

Well, I know everyone’s just dying to know what happened to me when I appeared on a certain well-known game show the other day, so I’ll just let you know right up front: I LOST, just like I predicted!!!  But the manner in which my loss went down is very amusing and interesting, so I’ll tell you all about it.  Meanwhile, everyone get out your Weird Al Yankovic CDs: “I lost on Jeopardy, baby!”  That motherf*ckin’ song has been stuck in my head ever since it happened!

As you know, I had very little time to study for the show, being as I had only passed the test to get on there a week ago.  So my stated strategy was to just not think about it and then show up with a buzz on!  Well, that didn’t work out too good.  I flew out there on Tuesday night and started boozing as soon as the plane left the runway.  My good friend DJ Spot picked me up and was good enough to ply me with a constant supply of extremely potent white Russians all night long as we rolled around Hollywood, picking up last-minute supplies for the Dick-n-Jayne [a sort of fake-band I used to be in...see video at the end of this paragraph] photo shoot which was to follow my appearance on the game show.  Like for instance, we had to go to this one stripper store on Hollywood Blvd. to get a custom-made black vinyl bikini top in the smallest legal size, and Spot was cool enough not to mind that I wore it around the rest of the night over my pink sweater.  I was trying to start a trend, so watch out for any stars or fashionistas wearing bikinis over sweaters in the near future!  Anyhoo, after that we went over to the venerable Rainbow bar & grill, this old-time heavy metal hangout on the Sunset Strip where all the heavy metal stars used to hang out, but the only personages of note in there that night were David Spade and Slash, the guitarist for Guns ‘N’ Roses, both of whom I’ve already encountered in the course of my wanderings – Slash at the Sally Dingdong show, of all places, and David S. at the Rainbow on a different night.  So that wasn’t too exciting… but let me tell you, they make their drinks with an extra kick out there.  I’m used to these sh*tty Vegas cocktails, where everything is run by the casino and shot out of a gun, so having a real Cali-style cocktail was a special treat.  I got nice and toasted, and forgot all my apprehensions about the next day.  I was able to pass right out around midnight, in plenty of time to get up at 4:30 am (that’s normally my bedtime!  No wonder I lost on the f*ckin’ show).

frap 252x300 What Its Like to be on Jeopardy!

I’ll take Potent Potables for $3, Alex

Well anyhoo, I got all dolled up and ready to go, and here’s where Spot really had my back.  Not only did he drive me all the way down to the studio (a long way from his house), but he devised an ingenious plan for me to sneak some Potent Potables onto the lot.  I was afraid to bring my flask, because one time I went on the Warner Bros. lot and they searched **everything,** so what Spot came up with was getting some of those bottled Starbucks drinks from the supermarket, pouring out the coffee, and then re-filling the bottles with a Starbucks-colored mix of Kahlua, vodka and milk!  In other words, a very strong white Russian.  He even packed me up a fake decoy lunch, with a sandwich and stuff in a paper bag, just so the drinks would blend in.  The only problem was, after all the previous nights’ white Russians, I hardly felt like drinking again already!!!  So I just chilled out until I finally felt ready (around 9am!) to get the party started.

By then I was already up to my ass in official Jeopardy business like filling out forms, going over my amusing anecdotes for the chat portion, and sizing up the competition, which was really freaking me out!  Now I don’t want to give too much away, but the returning champion from the last game was this unbelievable robo-Mormon dude from Utah who was on an unprecedented winning streak of many, many games.  They used to have a 5-game limit, but now you just keep playing till you lose, and there was no end in sight for this guy.  Believe me, everyone in the room crapped their pants when they heard the news.  That’s where my “Starbucks” came in handy… since he was a Mormon, I figured he didn’t drink.  Advantage: Sarah Jane!  Actually, I didn’t know for sure he was a Mormon, but he was from Utah, he was blonde, and he looked like every single member of my friend Turquoise’s family [Turquoise was my Jack Mormon BFF back then].  But it turns out I was right.  I figure that the reason he kept winning was that God was on his side – being as He is going to get 10% of his winnings (due to the tithe Mormons give to the Church).  Of course He saw to it that Robo-man won!

The rest of the contestant pool was made up of all manner of squares, except this one freaky bald dude who is in a Bollywood cover band.  That’s not to say they weren’t all nice people, but still.  I really stood out like a sore thumb, which you may or may not see for yourself some day.  I was wearing this hot pink tight-fitting sweater, a pink micro-mini schoolgirl skirt, and some go-go boots.  The hot pink really contrasted nicely with the blue background of the set, let me tell you… especially since both my opponents were wearing this boring crummy khaki color.  The makeup guy made me take off all my glitter, though.  I tried to get him to at least paint on some fake cleavage, to distract and pysch out my opposition… but then I remembered that we were talking about an extremely single-minded Mormon, so what would be the point?!?  Anyhoo, even though I totally sucked on the show, all the people on the set were like, “That’s OK!  You did great… and you looked adorable!”  Big f*ckin’ deal!  Anyone can look adorable.  I wanted to prove that I was smart!!  Unfortunately, though, I did just the opposite.  That Robot man was so motherf*ckin’ quick on the buzzer that I barely managed to get in 5 or 6 answers the whole entire game!  In fact, he made both me and the other lady contestant look like ding-a-lings, which I really felt bad about.  It seems like men always win on those shows, and I wanted to reprazent for my girlz.  Oh well!

Now by the way, before you go blaming my loss on my “Starbucks” drinks, listen up, squares.  You know I never drink to the point where I lose control… I am a Lady Alcoholist, as you no doubt remember, and alcohol is my friend… not my saboteur.

Besides that, the way it works is they tape 5 shows a day, and I had to sit through 2 other shows being taped before they got to me.  By then my buzz was gone, and I was miserably, bone-chillingly sober.  Yuck!

So anyhoo, after sitting around the studio watching this robo-Mormon tear everybody apart, it was my turn to get up there and lose.  They kept on telling us, “Come on, guys… remember, ‘Everyone is beatable!’”  But come on.  This guy was not only really smart (I guess he used to write questions for some quiz kids-type thing) but he had many previous shows’ worth of experience on that f*ckin’ buzzer!  Even when I knew the correct answer, that f*cker beat me to it 99% of the time.  Oh well!  Actually, I should have known it was going to be bad from the start.  I spazzed out while writing my name on the screen like they do, so I looked like a freak from the get-go!  Then we had to record these hokey messages to be played on our local affiliate stations at the time of our show’s airing.  Basically it was supposed to be a shout-out to your hometown, so I freaked everyone out with a wigger-esque “Wazzup, Vegas!” and really sealed my fate.

But anyway, I’m not telling anyone here what the airdate of the show is until a later date – if EVER!  You see, I feel it mis-represents me.  I ended up looking like a total bim who only got on because of my wackiness.  As an example, during the first segment of the show, EVERY SINGLE question was answered (correctly) by the Mormon.  The other lady and I weren’t able to buzz in ONCE!  Now to be honest, my timing wasn’t the only reason I didn’t get in – I also didn’t know many of the answers.  They all happened to be about sh*t I don’t know.  But I didn’t want to look stupid, so I kept on pretending to buzz in and get all “frustrated” when he beat me to it.  Just a little insider info for you!

jeopardy 288x300 What Its Like to be on Jeopardy!

AWKward!

Well, during the commercial break the contestant coordinators came out to advise us on how to buzz in faster and stuff, so we were better prepared for the second segment.  But first came the dreaded “chat” with the contestants… you know what I’m talking about.  Where the host comes out like, “So, Cletus, I understand a hippopotamus was your wet nurse.  That must have been quite an adventure!”  Well, I wasn’t really freaking out about that, because if there’s one thing I can handle, it’s chit-chat with strange old men.  But the host of the show (you know who… actually, he seemed like a very classy guy) seemed like he was really freaked out by me!  I must admit I was pretty nervous, so I acted even weirder than normal, but still… come on.  We chit-chatted about my hobby of sneaking into hotel pools, and then he moved right along to the normal contestants.  Whew!

As I mentioned, me and the other lady got a few wussy jabs in on the second round, but by Final J.Party it was all over.  Guess who was $20,000 ahead going into the final question????  There was no hope, so I wagered it all on “Famous Americans…” and got the motherf*ckin’ question wrong!!!!  To make matters worse, the other lady got it right, which really made me look like a bim.  But then, thank God, the robo-Mormon’s answer was the same as mine, so we went down together, at least.  But incidentally, I have only read about 10 books on the “famous Americans” in question, so I really should have known the answer.  But believe me, it’s hard to think when that corny music is playing!!!

Well, after we all shook hands with the host and stood around “chatting” over the credits, it was all over and I grabbed my $1000 and booked the hell out of there!!!  But not before this one kid who works for the show tried to pick up on me via a message sent through one of his co-workers.  I gave him the address of this website, just so he realizes what a freak I am.  Hey, I just thought he should know what’s what, before he gets any ideas!

Now actually, I was supposed to hang around the set all day watching all the games and enjoying lunch in the studio cafeteria, because DJ Spot had a lot of errands to run and was pretty busy.  But it’s a cold world, let me tell you – they booted my sorry ass off the lot as soon as I lost.  They wouldn’t even let me go to lunch at the cafeteria!  How glamorous would that have been, to eat sliced tomatoes in a cafeteria on a movie studio lot?????  But instead, I had to schlep my “goody” bag of promotional items down the street to Starbucks, where I had a real coffee drink and then finished up my other fake one for good measure.  Meanwhile, I was shouting and hollering on my cell phone about “@#$%^&!! Jeopardy!” and “@#$%^&! Mormons!!!”  I was so loud that one of the baristas was like, “Hey, could you possibly be any louder?!”  He said they get people in there all the time who have lost on that show, but they’re usually all quiet about it.  Not me, though.

Well anyhoo, I didn’t have much time to worry over my embarrassing loss, because DJ Spot arrived within moments to get me for our big Dick-n-Jayne photo shoot, which we held in this horribly seedy, dumpy motel room down the street from his house.  It was one of those motels where crank cookers live, just to give you an idea.  We dirtied the place up even more with some porn I had picked up on the Strip in Vegas, plus a few other well-placed items like cigarettes and booze bottles, not to mention this freaky scented fog juice Spot had bought for his new fog machine.  I didn’t even know they made scented fog juice (that is the correct industry term for it, by the way), but it turns out you can get Strawberry, Vanilla or Tropical, which helped mask the odor of the room somewhat.  Then while we were waiting for the photographer to arrive, we went across the street to this diner to get some dinner.  While we were grubbing, interestingly, Jeopardy happened to be on TV in the restaurant, and I saw how f*cked up the morning’s situation really had been.  See, on the show they were broadcasting that night, it was 3 average nerds of above-average intelligence.  They all buzzed in, they all got stuff right and wrong, and they all had between $6,000-$15,000.  If I had been playing on that show, I would have done much better!  Plus, they had questions about stuff like Tom Jones.  Give me a break!  It was all luck, I tell you.

dnj 195x300 What Its Like to be on Jeopardy!

The late, great Dick-n-Jayne (and DJ Spot)

So anyway, after dinner we went back to our motel room and I got made up in my rock-n-roll biker-hussy outfit.  Dick went with a charming old-time rockabilly getup, with mirrored aviator shades, and DJ Spot slipped into his dog costume.  We goofed around with several poses, playing with some old chewed-up Barbies Spot had picked up at a thrift store, and I have a feeling the photos are going to come out fabulously!  I’ll let you know if I’m able to post any on this website, so keep your eyes open for that.  Anyhoo, after that the busy day at last drew to an end, with Spot and me relaxing in front of some Rammstein videos on the TV.  After that I passed out, woke up at 8am, and flew back to Vegas.

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Well, there you have it. That was NINE YEARS AGO…and you can see, I really haven’t matured much at all :-/ I’m still a beglittered miniskirted alkie skeez slumming around Vegas…and meanwhile, that fucker Ken Jennings is living large off his winnings. D’OH!!! Oh, well….at least it makes a good story to tell!

DSC 1335 300x200 What Its Like to be on Jeopardy!

I was a little pitchy

Next time I’ll have to tell you all about the time I was on American Idol. Now that was a laff riot! And then some day I’ll tell you about when I went on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” which was also gooooooood times. Not to come off like Forrest fuckin’ Gump here, but….I really have done all these things, and more!!!!!!!

 

wwtbam4 300x200 What Its Like to be on Jeopardy!

Hmmmm….

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I Need This

Posted on April 13, 2013 by wonderhussy

 

go pro 300x300 I Need This

If you really wanna see me piss on a Swiss Mook…

People are always reading my blogs and status updates and going, “Where’s the VIDEO??”

Well, good new for those who really wanna see me fake-pissing on a Swiss mook, or infiltrating a swingers’ party, or dancing around naked in a hot springs cave while shrooming out of my mind. I added this GoPro camera to my Amazon Wishlist…so if any of you fuckers are feeling generous, check it out!

Imagine the possibilities………..

icon biggrin I Need This

 

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Another Visit to the Heart Attack Grill

Posted on April 11, 2013 by wonderhussy
2013 04 11 13 24 07 762 300x169 Another Visit to the Heart Attack Grill

More Photos From the Heart Attack Grill!

I rode my bike downtown this morning, to visit a muckraking journalist friend who covers Downtown Vegas for one of the local papers. On the way back, I stopped in at one of my faaaavorite places — the Heart Attack Grill! The owner, Dr. Jon, is a good friend…but I hadn’t visited in quite a while, and was ASTONISHED at all the AMAZING new artwork this fucker had put up. It’s a RIOT — click the photo to see my Facebook album!

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Pissing on a Mook

Posted on April 3, 2013 by wonderhussy

Red Rock Girl 1 300x199 Pissing on a Mook Finally, the weather is nice enough to get back to the business of running around the desert naked! I’ve been doing quite a few photo shoots lately, and I’m here to tell you: if you’ve never shot a model out in the wilderness around Vegas, you don’t know what you’re missing!! I dragged more than one poor old man around the desert over the past week or two, and guess what? They LOVED it!

I gave one guy the Deluxe Wonderhussy Tour: picked him up at the airport, drove him out to the dry lakebed, then stopped off at two other scenic locations before heading out to some red sandstone caves for sunset pics. Then we headed back into town for MORE shooting in his hotel room! It was something like a 10-hour day, and by the end of it I was exhausted…and then had to go to the nightclub afterward and dance til 3am!!!!!

Snake Charmer 300x199 Pissing on a Mook

Irisphoto

The worst part of it was, I almost ran out of gas because of all that driving around! There is NO gas or cell phone service in many parts of the desert around Vegas, so on the way back from the sandstone caves, my gas light came on and I pretty much had to coast back into town on fumes. YIKES! Thankfully, I barely made it, coasting down the pass from Lake Mead into east Las Vegas and turning in at the first gas station I saw. Phew! No wonder I was so exhausted!!

Because of all that craziness, I got sick AGAIN :-/ I’ve been sick so often lately that I finally rallied my shitty insurance and went to see a doctor for some antibiotics, hoping that a Z-Pak would kill whatever’s ailing me, once and for all. I have a lot of summer adventures coming up, and I need to be in tip-top health!

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pic by Bobby Deal/Real Deal Photo

The thing that really put me over the edge into illness was, I had scheduled another hike with the guy who hired me from WhatsYourPrice.com. As mentioned in my last blog, he didn’t want to pay me a second time because he only likes to pay for novel experiences… but he offered to pay one of my girlfriends, if I could convince one of them to come along.

My friend Trixie agreed to do it, so we all met up out at Red Rock and enjoyed a medium-intensity 2-hour hike…but because I already wasn’t feeling very well, that hike kicked my ass!!! I was really dragging toward the end of it, and I’m afraid I wasn’t very good company. But Trixie is a great conversationalist, so I think the guy was happy! In any event, he paid her in cash, right up front, and after the hike she and I drove over to Red Rock Casino to break the $100 bill up. And then I went home and passed the fuck out.

I had to dance at the nightclub until 3am that night as well, and let me tell you it was rough!! I was feeling so shitty that it was a real chore to smile and dance and look alive, and then to make matters worse one of the soles of my clodhopper Frankenstein stacks fell off during my second set, and I had to dance around with one leg half an inch shorter than the other :-/ Lame!

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pic by Irisphoto

When that shift was finally over, I went home and collapsed into bed for around three days! Thankfully, I had no gigs or other fun stuff going on for a few days…so I mostly rested up. I say “mostly,” because while I was laying there I got a great idea for a new moneymaking venture, and spent a few hours each day driving around town and scouring the internet for supplies. It’s almost ready to be unveiled….and just wait till you see it! I’ll be RICH, I tells ya — RICH!!!! icon smile Pissing on a Mook

card 169x300 Pissing on a Mook Also while I was laid up, I got another amazing idea. I thought I was almost out of business cards (come to find out, I had a whole other box of them…d’oh)…so I decided to design a new card. And I had the devilishly clever idea of designing them to look like one of those hooker cards the porn-slappers hand out on the Strip!!! You know, those little cards advertising escort services, that the poor illegals flick together as you walk past them??! Many in Vegas despise the whole porn-slapping business, saying that it makes our town look terrible. Well, guess what?! Vegas is terrible — why deny it??! It’s a hotbed of sin and inequity, and that’s what people dig about it! Why not revel in it, I say? I love the porn slappers! They’re a vital part of our economy, dammit! If your’e too fucking highbrow to handle it, get your lily ass down to the Smith Center for a Yo Yo Ma circle jerk or something!!!!!!!

So I designed these fabulous cards on VistaPrint, and when they arrived I could not stop cackling with glee. I don’t know, maybe I’m immature (well, I’m definitely immature)… but I just think they’re the funniest thing ever!! I collected a bunch of the real cards to make my design extra-authentic, and I’d say I did a pretty damn good job. Hell, I’d hire me!! (And if you’re wondering what the “$150 Special” is…it’s a one-hour photo shoot. Or a kick in the balls — take your pick!)

Aaaaaaaaaanyhoo, I finally got well after taking all my antibiotics and coughing up about a gallon of sputum…and it was not a moment too soon, as my friend Fabian had a GREAT gig lined up for me. It was time for another prank!!!!

Showgirl 166x300 Pissing on a Mook

Irisphoto

One thing about Fabian, he looooooooooves pranks more than just about anyone I’ve ever met. Last I talked to him, he was flying clear across the country, just to pie someone in the face!!! Must be nice to have that kind of pranking budget!! Anyhoo, now that he’s moved to Vegas, he has started hiring me to help execute some of his pranks…and it’s a beautiful relationship! Last month I did a fairly tame prank on some chick friend of his, where I pretended to be a flaky psychic hippie chick who kept running into her all night…but this time, he totally upped the ante.

For this latest prank, the victim was this Swiss mook he went to college with — one of those Eurotrash Ibiza-type party kids (I say “kid,” but the guy was in his early ’30s). This guy, we’ll call him “Bobby,” is your classic jet-setting party animal. He divides his time between Switzerland, France and California, and whenever he flies out to Cali, he stops over in Vegas for some hardcore clubbing.

Now meanwhile, here in Vegas pool season has officially started — which means that all those ultra-douchey daytime pool parties (they call them “dayclubs” — as in, the opposite of “nightclubs”) have fired up again. If you’ve never been to a dayclub/pool party in Vegas — CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!! They are awful, insufferable affairs involving hundreds of sweaty, drunken morons packed into foul, cum-infested swimming pools…all to the incessant thudding “beats” of some half-witted European DJ or another. BEYOND lame, in other words. (For more of my scathingly witty impressions on dayclubs, see my Yelp review of TAO Beach.)

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a typical Vegas pool party. SHUDDER!

Aaaanyhoo, Bobby the Swiss Mook and his pals were all going to the douchiest pool party of them all — Wet Republic, at MGM Grand. Back in the day, ReHab at the Hard Rock was the pool party for nappy-extensioned, fake-titted, orange-skinned Vegas girls to be seen at…but after about eight or nine years of gross lewdness, that place has fallen out of favor with the In Crowd, and now Wet Republic is the place to be. I’d only been there once, back when it first opened, and in my memory it was pretty fucking bad. There was only ONE thing in this whole wide world that could get me to go back….and that’s a fabulous prank!

Fabian had the brilliant idea of having me show up at Bobby’s cabana and pretend to be a drunk, sloppy party girl…and then pretend to piss all over him!!!! We got together the day before to plan it all out: Fabian went to a medical supply store and got an IV bag with a long, clear plastic tube. We figured out a way that I could stuff the IV bag full of water into my WineRack bra flask (greatest invention ever; buy some today!), and then string the tube down the small of my back and down into my bikini bottoms, covering everything with an oversized beach t-shirt. There’s a small sort of clip/valve thing on the tube that I could easily manipulate behind my back, unleashing the torrent of “piss” onto an unsuspecting Bobby. BRILLIANT! It looked disturbingly realistic, I must say…even though Fabian didn’t want me to add any yellow food color to the water, for fear of staining Bobby’s clothing icon sad Pissing on a Mook

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Ugh.

So now I was faced with the task of going deep into enemy territory at Douche Republic. *Shudder!!!* I despise nightlife/daylife (in my opinion, they should just combine the two terms into one: DOUCHELIFE) and I hate having anything to do with the whole fucking rigamarole. Simply getting in to a place like that takes upwards of an hour, what with all the ass-kissing and name-checking and line-waiting. WHY people willingly do this, I have no idea. Future generations will look back in bewilderment, I have no doubt.

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Typical Vegas pool hags

Besides all that, I was wearing an IV bag full of water in my bra — and I know how security can be at these things! They suspect (rightfully so) every halfwit coming into the party of being high on ecstasy, so they do an extra-thorough job of searching people’s bags, pockets, etc…even patting you down like at the airport, to make sure you’re not bringing any more contraband into the party with you. They checked every single pocket on this poor fool’s cargo pants in front of me — I mean, these guys are hardcore!

Fabian had arrived at the party earlier, with Bobby and his group, and he texted me every few minutes with information. It was Fabian who tipped me off to the extra-intensive security check…so I decided to dump the water out of my bra, and just fill it up once I got inside. But, where to hide the empty IV bag? I’m positive they wouldn’t allow that in — they made the poor chick in front of me surrender her umbrella (which she was using to protect herself from the searing desert sun during her hourlong wait in line, poor thing).

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Yeah, BRO!

Thankfully, I was carrying a beat-up old canvas tote bag that had a hole in the lining…and I was able to stuff the empty IV bag in through that, so that it was totally hidden from security’s prying eyes. After a mere fifteen hours of line waiting, ass-kissing and name-checking, I was finally through the gate and into the party. I headed straight for the bathroom, so I could refill and reposition the bag…and guess what, there was an endless line for that, too!

While I was waiting, Fabian came over and brought me a drink and we discussed how I could best insinuate myself with the group. Saying I was a friend of Fabian’s would be too obvious, so it was decided that my “in” would be this one poor member of the group who had a broken arm. Just like with predators on the savannah, my best approach was to get to the wounded one first, haha!

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Flotation devices

This poor kid had been asking everyone for painkillers, but no one had any. Well, Fabian scored some oxycodone from his roommate, and had been able to smuggle that into Wet Republic with astonishing ease. HA!!!!! All that security rigamarole, for nothing. DUMBASSES!!!

Anyhoo, Fabian gave me two oxycodone pills, and it was decided I’d sort of dance over and start chatting with the broken arm guy: “Aw, man, that sucks! I broke my arm last summer…I feel your pain. Do you need any painkillers?” Once I’d won him over, it would be easy to infiltrate the group and zero in on Bobby. The idea was that I would start talking about being a fetish model, and he would be intrigued and end up befriending me. Then right before I left, I would ask Bobby to take a photo of me from a low angle, so that he was below me…and I would “piss” on him. Easy enough!

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Jersey Shore rejects

Well, it all started out pretty good: I danced over to their table, chatted up the broken-arm guy, gave him an oxycodone (which, astonishingly, he took right away — an unmarked pill from a total stranger!) and earned his everlasting appreciation. Now I was able to get into their area and start dancing around, trying to attract Bobby’s attention. But that was proving really hard to do, since a)I have no tits, and b)I’m not a skanky blonde!

Bobby was totally the Alpha Male of the group, and thus was swarmed by the aforementioned skanky blondes, making it difficult to approach him. I buzzed around him for an hour, but was unable to penetrate his fortress…until finally, one of the blondes got up to pee or have a miscarriage or something, and I gained a foothold. I rubbed my “tits” (really the IV bag full of water…probably felt pretty much the same as fake tits anyway) on his back, and he finally took notice and started dancing with me. Meanwhile, Fabian was watching from a few feet away, trying not to crack up laughing. The plan was, when I got ready to “piss,” I would rub my stomach, thus giving Fabian the signal to start filming with his iPhone.

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What up, bro??!

But dammit, Bobby had the attention span of a flea, and his attention soon wandered. D’OH!! I looked at Fabian and he kind of shrugged. There was no way I was ever getting this Cock of the Walk to lay down and take a photo of me; what to do?!

Then I noticed there was a sort of chest-high clear Plexiglas counter/bar thingy for setting down your drinks, right next to where Bobby was dancing/fist-pumping…so I climbed up on top of it and started dancing near him. Now my crotch was right at his eyelevel – perfect! Before security could make me get down, I looked over at Fabian, who was trying not to die laughing, and we sort of nodded at each other: this is it!

So I released the clip on the tube running down my back, and water started trickling down my legs. It looked horrifyingly realistic! The trickle became a waterfall, and it REALLY looked like I was pissing all over the bar!!! So much so, that people all around jumped back, exclaiming, “That chick’s pissing on the bar!!!!!”

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A thug and his Bitch

Bobby backed the fuck up two seconds before Security descended on me. By that time, my bag was empty anyway, so I hopped down to face the music, trying not to crack the fuck up. I could see Fabian behind the security guards, red-faced with suppressed laughter, and that made it all worse!!

“Let me see your ID!” one of the security guards barked at me, so I went over and got my bag and fished around in it while him and his partner stood over me, glaring. I handed over my ID and said, “Wait, guys…before you go getting all mad, check it out: it’s a prank! I had an IV bag of water in my bra; that’s all it was!” I showed them the rig, but they were still mad as hell. Now more security came over, and the one guy explained to his supervisor that it was just a prank. So now I showed him the IV rig, and the other guy handed my ID card back…and then Fabian came over and whispered in my ear “Make a run for it!!! They’re PISSED!!!!!!”

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Why?

So I grabbed my bag and got the hell out of there — straight out the door, away from the mooks and douches and thudding oonce-oonce-oonce music, back to my car and blessed peace and quiet. But it wasn’t quiet for long — I could not stop cracking the fuck up, laughing!!! It was GREAT!!!!! Unquestionably one of the greatest pranks I’ve ever helped pull off. I may have to order NEW business cards now that say “prankster,” in fact!!!!

So anyhoo, I went home and kinda laid low after that. Fabian invited me to come out later and meet Bobby and the rest of them (Bobby had figured out it was a prank, since Fabian had already told him he was moving to Vegas to start a pranking company…duh!)…but alas, Bobby and his pals were the type of jet-set partiers who rage all day, then sleep til 2am and go out for afterhours. And there was no way I was staying up til 2am just to go meet up with them!!

Anyway, that prank was by far the highlight of my week…although a close second was a few days later, when I went out on my friend’s boat on Lake Mead with some of the crew from the Def Leppard show that’s here in town. (Does that not sound like a 1988 timewarp?) One of the guys said he’d hook a girlfriend and me up with tickets, so next week I’m gonna go rawwwwwk the fuck out at DEF LEPPARD, lol!!! Does the fun ever stop???? Hell, no!

*A note on photos: the pool party photos I used here are from ReHab back around May ’08…the last time I was unfortunate enough to set foot in that lamentable fucking mess. But you get the idea….Wet Republic 2013 is basically exactly the same shit.

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Pic of the Day Contest — I Need Votes!

Posted on March 20, 2013 by wonderhussy

All right everyone, I *HATE* asking cheezy favors like this, but…I’m trying to get this “Pic of the Day” award on ModelMayhem…so if you happen to have an MM account, wouldja please log in and vote for my pic at the link below? I was mistaken in my last blog post; it’s up TODAY, March 20, 2013!!

Astonishingly, I have no “Pic of the Day” awards and I need this feather in my cap…so to speak!

whole enchilada 8x10 sm1 240x300 Pic of the Day Contest I Need Votes!

shotbyadam.com

Many thanks!!! Link is below the photo!!!

 

 

http://www.modelmayhem.com/contests/potd/vote

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Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank Envelopes

Posted on March 19, 2013 by wonderhussy

164463 603628446331484 1591564627 n 225x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesBy far the most fabulous thing that’s happened to me lately was, I won $500 from my credit union! A couple summers ago I was ass-deep in foreclosure proceedings, cursing the banks and marching around town with a rag-tag bunch of freaks and commies associated with the Occupy Las Vegas movement. Ah… memories.

Well, one of the ways they tried to stick it to the Man was by urging people to withdraw all their funds from the big banks and start using credit unions, instead. So like any good commie bitch, I did…and BOY, am I glad! My credit union (the fabulous OneNevada, which is available to anyone who lives, works or worships in Clark County, NV) started this competition on Twitter, to get more followers and increase their social media presence. Every day in the month of February they posted a different money-saving challenge, which you were supposed to take a photo of yourself doing and then Tweet it. At the end of the month, they randomly chose one person from the list of people who completed all the challenges, and awarded them $500.

I’m a cheap-ass, broke-ass hack anyway, so most of the challenges were things I’m already doing…so it wasn’t really that hard. Astonishingly, only something like ten people completed all the challenges…and as luck would have it, they drew my name out of the hat!!! You would have thought I’d won five THOUSAND dollars, the way I carried on.

559722 602447283116267 1707539668 n 300x255 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesThe best part was, I had to go down to the corporate offices to pick up a giant oversized novelty check with my name on it, and take a photo with the President of the credit union so they could Tweet it out and stuff. Well, the girls in the social media department told me they had read this blog and “loved” it…but they didn’t want their stuffed-shirt President knowing they were about to give $500 to a Hussy, so they didn’t tell him my Twitter handle (@wonderhussy). As far as he knew, I was just Sarah Jane Woodall, some random local hag in a Peg Bundy outfit (it was my day off, and I was lounging….haha). If that poor man only knew who he was posing with — he’d have died! There goes his chances for any sort of elected political office, EVER. But, still….he’s all right in my book. That bastard Jamie Dimon sure as fuck never gave me $500, I’ll tell you that much!

893300 607544652606530 569687602 o 225x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesAlas, however, not all my money has been handed to me that easily lately — I had to actually work for the rest of it! I did a grueling 9-hour photo shoot on the Strip one day, and then another evening I went out to Valley of Fire for a nudie shoot (take that, Park Ranger!). I also worked the ASD convention, for the same company that I worked the potsmokers’ convention for last month — SunshineJoy.com, the people behind those amazing 3-D tapestries. Unfortunately I wasn’t paid for any of these gigs with oversized novelty checks…but at least I was able to pose with this oversized novelty hookah!! I guess that’s better than nothing!

208589 603845342976461 820475263 n 225x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesI also did a scavenger hunt for VentureVegas.com, where I played a double agent and had to wear a wig and business suit for part of the game, then change back to normal for the rest. It was superfun, especially because it was a beautiful sunny day and I was stationed in front of the Bellagio fountains, which is one of the top people-watching spots in the world.   But even all that was work, ya know? Thankfully, I did score one gig recently that allowed me to earn cash while having fun & doing something I normally do, anyway — I finally booked a paid date on What’sYourPrice.com!!

I think I’ve written before about WhatsYourPrice — basically, it’s sort of a dating/sugar daddy site where you explicitly charge a certain amount of money to go on a date. Like hooking, only there’s supposedly no sex. Another model I worked with last month told me she does it all the time, and although she was enthusiastic, I was skeptical. It sounded reeeeally skeevy — but then I realized I have at least two friends, men from out of town, who have come to Vegas before and tried hiring someone just as dinner company. It never went well, because all they could find were escorts who either tried to rob them or were super skanky-looking…so I thought I’d go on WhatsYourPrice and market myself as a dinner companion. I made it explicitly clear in my profile that I was/am not looking for sex, romance or a sugar daddy, and that I am simply offering my services as a paid dinner companion/fount of information about Vegas. I can even class it up a little if you need a date for a corporate event, ya know?

IMG955494 300x225 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesWell, shocker, I haven’t been getting too many hits on that site. I get a lot of “winks,” which are like “pokes” on Facebook I guess….but WTF am I supposed to do about that? I’m not on there to wink, I’m there to make money. I’ve also gotten maybe 4 or 5 offers for a date, in the $100-200 range, but none of the guys have answered me back when I message them to accept. I was starting to think that site is strictly for time-wasting losers….when this man hired me to go hiking with him one afternoon!

To protect his identity, I won’t give too many details about him…but suffice it to say he was older, extensively educated, and a raging liberal. I guess he also happened to be pretty well-off, since he said he uses WhatsYourPrice fairly regularly…although I think it also has a lot to do with his interest in economics (seriously!). In any event, we met at a Starbucks, he gave me a bank envelope with $100 in it (next to oversized novelty checks, bank envelopes full of cash are my favorite way to get paid), and then we climbed into his bad ass Tesla Roadster for the trip up to the hiking trail. I’m not a car person, but that car was sick!! He offered to let me drive it (!!!) but I was too big a puss, afraid I’d wreck it, and I declined.

IMG953388 225x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesWe hiked for a couple of hours and had a very enjoyable conversation about everything from cabbages to kings, and then he dropped me back off at the Starbucks and that was it. Fabulous!!! He did message me a few days later to say that he enjoyed the hike, and would like to do it again…although he only pays for novel experiences, so if I could find a girlfriend to come along he would pay her, but not me. I guess I should be offended by that, but I just  looked at it as an opportunity to make $50 — I’d take a 50% commission as pimp/madam/whatever, and split the take with my friend. I already found a girlfriend who’s willing to do it, so now I just have to figure out the logistics! I mean, why not get paid for something I enjoy doing anyway? It’s perfect hiking weather right now!

But anyway, what was really interesting was the feedback I got on Facebook about the outing: “Isn’t that escorting?” one of my girlfriends (who used to use SugarDaddy.com, incidentally) snarked cattily. What I’d like to know is, what’s so bad about being an escort? Though it’s not for me personally, I have no problem with prostitution — but I’m not even talking about sex; I just mean what’s wrong with being an escort? Is getting paid to hike/go to dinner/whatever so much more dishonorable than being paid to deal cards/carry drinks/take photos/write about shows? Seriously…WTF?!

Aaaaaaaaaanyhoo, lest you start to think I’m all about money and nothing else, rest assured I did plenty of stuff just for fun this week, too. I selflessly went back to my hoarder friend’s storage unit, to continue helping him clean out his junk so I can find that old photo of my ex-boss’s wife fucking a bulldog — although now my friend backtracked a little, and said “Well she’s not really fucking the dog…she’s on the bed, in lingerie, reaching for him.” WTF!!! Don’t tell me I’ve wasted hours of my life cleaning out this crap for something stupid like that!!! Still, I plan to keep helping him until I find it…mainly because he also promised me some more of his fabulous departed ballerina mother’s old costumes, ho ho!

663 603030309724631 1136720422 n 300x211 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesI also visited a place I’ve been wanting to check out forever: the Italian-American Social Club, this faaaabulous old-school building on East Sahara where all the goombahs and their wives hang out/hung out back in the day. It used to be for dagos only, but now they opened it to the public and let a white-bread shiksa like me in. And it is exactly how you’re probably picturing it: fabulous!!! Flocked wallpaper, dim lighting, piano bar, cheesy banquet chairs, framed photos of Frank Sinatra et al. on the walls…you know!! In any event, it’s a fantastic spot for cocktails, and they also serve food…although I can’t vouch for the quality of the food, since I despise Italian food (it’s all carby cheesy meaty salty grossness…blecchhh). From what I could tell it seemed like pretty standard fare, if you’re into that kind of thing — meatballs, pasta, etc. 

892868 606343369393325 1895589489 o 300x169 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesThen another night I went and saw the incomparably fantastic musical Rock of Ages — you know, the one with all the ’80s heavy metal songs? Where they made some dumbass movie starring Tom “Dickweed” Cruise? Well, I never saw the movie, but I’m here to tell you that the live version is fabulous! Rather than bore you with the details, here’s a link to my Yelp! review of it. I’ll just quote the opening line: “Rock of Ages is like watching fireworks made of diamonds, jizz and Aqua Net explode in the night sky, while a choir of leather-clad angels pour sunshine joygasms into your ears, and the naked Thunderbirds fly by overhead, trailing clouds of cocaine and pure cane sugar.” Yes…it really is that good!

The best part about it is, I took as my date my roommate, who is a total ’80s metalhead: long blond hair, weightlifter, etc. He enjoyed it immensely, singing along to every single number (!!) and really just having a blast in general. But the best part was when the monstrously beautiful freak who played Stacee Jacks came out. This actor is amazing — tall, tanned, shredded to within an inch of his life, long blonde hair and a really creepy Ken-doll face. He looks like a sex doll come to life — AMAZING. My roommate immediately leaned in and started telling me every steroid/supplement/injection/hormone/whatever that guy was on. I was like, “Oh yeah? How do you know?!” “Oh I can tell,” my roommate answered matter-of-factly. “I can tell you within 99% percent certainty that he’s taking [prolactin/whatever/blahblahblah bodybuilder talk].” It was a riot — his eyes never left that guy the entire show. I think he has a man-crush! But anyway, that show is awesome
 and I highly recommend it.

2013 03 07 18 46 54 722 300x169 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesSpeaking of high, I was finally able to make use of my medical marijuana card and score some clones — so now I can start growing my own! Thanks, OneNevada Credit Union!!! Talk about saving money — whereas now I have to shell out close to $60 for 1/8 oz. of medicine, soon I will be able to harvest my own stuff icon smile Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank Envelopes I followed all the advice the guys at the dispensary gave me, and I must say these plants are already taking off. I named them Michelle and Renee, because those are two of the most fertile names I could think of — Michelle, after Michelle Duggar (the crazy quiverful Christian mom from “19 Kids and Counting”) and Renee after my Mormon friend’s mom, who had 5 kids and was very domestic. I’m hoping these names encourage the plants to grow big, strong and be bountiful. Lord knows I need it!!!!

580612 4638190589612 1334885443 n 225x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesAnd why do I need it, you ask? Because I still suffer terrible insomnia. And why do I suffer insomnia, you ask? Well, I think it has something to do with the fact that I do too many things in life, and find it hard to rest!! Take last night: I was exhausted from working til 3am, then only getting 5 hours’ sleep before going in to work the ASD convention…but it was St. Patty’s Day, and they were having a costumed Leprechaun pub crawl downtown and I just couldn’t refuse. So I went home from the convention, got costumed up, and went downtown…where I drank and carried on with a bunch of other bozos in green costumes til late at night. After a day like that, I’m simply too amped up to sleep without my special medicine icon smile Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank Envelopes

402394 221885527936310 1295163172 n 200x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank EnvelopesNow speaking of amped-up adventures…I’m always on the lookout for the next one, and I think I may have found it! This upcoming 4th of July, Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club is attempting to set the World’s Record for the largest topless skydive!!! Check out the flyer here. I’ve always been a huge pussy about skydiving, and never had the urge to do it….but topless skydiving??? I feel this is something I have to do. The only thing stopping me is, it costs $260…and I’m too cheap/broke to cough up the cash. So…if any anonymous benefactors want to pay my entry fee, let me know and I’ll do it. You can either contact me directly, or call Monica at (702) 795-3131…either way, I’ll write alllll about it and take lots of pictures, I promise!

whole enchilada 8x10 sm 240x300 Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank Envelopes

ShotByAdam.com

Finally, if you can’t afford to sponsor my skydiving thing but you’d still like to help a sista out….you might consider voting for me in the Model Mayhem Pic of the Day contest tomorrow (3/19/13). You have to have a ModelMayhem profile to vote, but if you do…check it out! The pic at left is the one we submitted…it was the photographer’s idea. My friend Adam Sternberg runs an awesome and very informative photography blog at vegasphotographyblog.com, and he had the idea to do a photo incorporating every stale, cheese-ass amateur modeling motif you’ve ever seen. Girls with guns, girls in gas masks, girls with caution tape…etc. You know what I mean! All that dumb shit amateurs do, that they think is edgy and cool but is really tired as fuck. If you can, please stop by this link and cast your vote on 3/19:

www.modelmayhem.com/contests/potd/vote 

I know it’s cheesy as fuck to harangue your friends into voting for you in some dumb contest, and I hate when chicks do that shit on Facebook and whatnot, but….this is, alas, the way Model Mayhem awards their Pic of the Day prize, and as fabulous as my portfolio is, I still don’t have one of these awards. (I prefer the way OneModelPlace awards their showcases – based on the decision of professional judges, as it should be.) Soo, if you can find it in your heart to vote for me, that would be fabulous! If not… whatevs!

 

 

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Particles Confirmed as Higgs Bosoms

Posted on March 14, 2013 by wonderhussy
rfwifebeater3 199x300 Particles Confirmed as Higgs Bosoms

Randy Fosth/Shutterbug-Studio

Las Vegas, NV — Using high-powered telescopes capable of magnifying at over 1000x, scientists in Nevada have announced with more than 99% certainty that they had identified the long-sought Higgs Bosoms.

Commonly referred to as “God Particles,” the Higgs Bosoms were identified on the body of Las Vegas resident Wonderhussy, a nude model previously believed to be completely flat-chested. But upon closer inspection with a number of high-powered devices at Groom Lake Research Facility, scientists noticed previously undetected elementary particles in the pectoral area.

A series of experiments conducted last year hadn’t collected enough data to say the particles were, for sure, Higgs Bosoms — the last undiscovered piece of the puzzle predicted by the Standard Model, the reigning theory of how standard nude models should be built.

stu3 200x300 Particles Confirmed as Higgs Bosoms

S. Skalka

The Standard Model defines a successful nude model as having long, flowing hair, a trim physique, neatly trimmed pubes, and ripe, full bosoms.  Wonderhussy boasts all these features save the last — yet somehow remains a successful model, which led scientists to question the validity of the long-held theory.

The theory was proven correct, however, after several successive tests on Wonderhussy’s chest area, which ultimately revealed the presence of tiny, subatomic particles with quantum properties consistent with that of typical bosoms. Under a high-powered microscope, these particles were even found to harden when blasted with cold air…leading scientists to announce Thursday that they had, indeed, identified the long-sought Higgs Bosoms.

“The preliminary results with the full 2012 data set are magnificent, and to me it is clear that we are dealing with Higgs Bosoms,” spokesperson Hugh Jass said in a statement.

Wonder Hussy n Fawn 8877 lr 300x222 Particles Confirmed as Higgs Bosoms

Michael Maze

He did caution Ms. Hussy not to get too excited, however: “There’s no need to go buying a bra or anything. These Bosoms are not detectable by the naked eye, and need little if any support.”

“But she still has to cover them up in public,” he hastened to add. “And photos may not be posted on Facebook, nor used as an avatar on Model Mayhem. Higgs Bosoms may spell the universe’s doom in the distant future, and we don’t want our                                                                                                                                                                children seeing them.”

 

 

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Wonderful Weirdness of the Desert

Posted on March 13, 2013 by wonderhussy

foto shoot 300x225 Wonderful Weirdness of the DesertFor some reason, I just got to thinking about how much I love all the weird shit out in the desert….so I created a small database of my favorite desert locations, with photos and witty commentary from my visits to them. The link is on the menu at the top of this page!

I especially wanted to write about my fabulous trip to the Saline Valley Hot Springs back in April of 2011, right before I started this blog. Check it out!!! It’s one of the most fantastic places on Earth…but deadly to get to.

My Trip to the Saline Valley Hot Springs

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