Wonderhussy

I’ve had SO MANY fabulous adventures lately, I haven’t had a moment’s rest to stop and write about them — someone set the Treadmill of Fun to 11, and I’ve been racing on it non-stop since March 6th. I finally had to get the fuck out of town just to get a few minutes’ downtime to blog about it all, so I accepted a friend’s invitation to come to Florida for a few days, and kick back at his luxurious oceanfront condo. In between margaritas, I’ll try to catch up!

My adventures have been so plentiful lately that I can’t even fit them all in one blog, so this is just part one…covering all the dumb gigs I’ve been up to lately. Because despite being a fun-loving bohemian type, I still have a monthly nut to crack…so I booked as much work as possible in what little downtime I’ve had lately, in between adventures.

Most of my recent gigs were pretty lame — a tradeshow I worked for an ex-Burning Man campmate’s company, a footlicking gig for Mistress Clare’s femdom site (I *HATE* licking other people’s feet, but it pays for more travels…ya know?), and worst of all, a corporate party I worked for the concrete convention. This last one was really loathsome — one of those after-hours events where they rent out a nightclub, but it’s a total sausagefest, so they hire 150 “models” to come in and “mingle” with the guys to break up the testosterone. SHUDDER! The worst part was, they wouldn’t let us avail ourselves of the open bar, because last time some dumbass bimbo got wasted and made an ass of herself.

You tell me — how fucked-up is it to try and “mingle” with a bunch of drunk concrete-industry guys while SOBER??! Jeez! I don’t know how I made it through that night. The worst part was, out of all 150 “models” (I use quotation marks because the term was used VERY loosely here), I only knew one chick…and her not even very well. So I was on my own the whole party. Blah.

The only interesting part was watching the head of the modeling agency cruise around all night like a sharp-eyed Mother Hen, keeping an eye on her “pretty ladies.” This was an especially old-school convention talent agency that has been booking models since the ’70s or so…and honestly it looked like some of the “pretty ladies” have been working there since the ’70s!!! I’m talking some seriously beat-up old hags, masquerading as “models!” It is to my ETERNAL CONSTERNATION how rarely I get booked thru this agency, when I look at some of the others on the roster. ??? !!! People are always asking me what are my plans when I’m too old to model — well, now I know where to go. The J____ V____ Agency!!!

Anyway, I didn’t have much time to fret about it because I had the most INCREDIBLE gig lined up for the next morning. Out of all the gigs I’ve ever done, this one was WITHOUT QUESTION the most interesting…and if you’ve read this blog at all, you know that’s a strong statement.  I somehow got referred to be a background extra in a porno movie!!!

Ever since they instituted mandatory condom use in California, many of the porno studios have taken to filming in Vegas, instead…where we have no silly health concerns for our talent. This one studio in particular apparently shoots a lot of stuff in this little warehouse squatting behind the Cosmopolitan Hotel, just on the other side of the freeway, between an indoor gun range and a pawn shop. Who knew all this shit was going down in the shadow of the Vegas Strip?

This particular production company is known for its parody pornos — they make stuff like the XXX Mario Bros., Sinderella, etc. This time they were doing the porno version of The Wolf of Wall Street — working title “The Whore of Wall Street.” FABULOUS! I was hired as background, but I ended up playing a secretary with a line of dialogue — bonus!!!

Since the movie was set in a Wall Street office, we were told to wear office clothes…so I busted out my trusty pencil skirt, which is pretty much my go-to for any sort of corporate gig…even though it has a slit in the back up to there. In other words…perfect for a porno!

Now, unlike other pornos, this one actually had a plot — the star of the movie, we’ll call her Andi Andrews, was the head of a high-powered stock brokerage. She made her way to the top by sucking dick and fucking every suit who came her way, including that of the male talent, a freaky Austrian stud with a HUMONGOUS uncut penis we’ll call Dick True.

At the end of the film, to celebrate their reaching some sales goal, Andi Andrews awards her top female assistant, played by a supersexy actress we’ll call Celine Maximilian, $10,000 to get fucked up the ass by Dick True. Our job, as extras, was to hang around in the background cheering them on: “Suck! Suck!” Suck!” “Fuck that ass!” “Wooo!” Those were actually lines of dialogue in the script (astonishingly, these are very professional productions with fully formed scripts, action carefully blocked out).

So, basically it was like the most fun gig ever. The ten of us extras sat around the breakroom in our 1980s officewear (the movie was set in the ’80s, but most of us just had old-ass clothes anyway, so it was a happy accident) until the crew was finally ready for us.

I had my one line of dialogue earlier in the day — I played Ms. Andrews’s secretary, so just had to answer the phone and assure the caller that “Ms. Andrews is very professional.” There was a slight holdup — “Oh wait, we gotta film the pussy-eating scene first –” but with that out of the way, I nailed my line in two takes, which I actually thought was interesting that the director cared enough to make me do it over!! Despite what you might think, these people really DO have an attention to detail…and it was a very professional production!!

Speaking of the director, he was this awesome sort of Gen-Xer type in Morrissey glasses and a “Meat is Murder” t-shirt — not exactly how you’d picture a porn director! The rest of the crew was just as colorful, exhibiting an informal camaraderie but at the same time displaying an amazing dedication and work ethic. What a cool fucking industry! Everyone was so chill and so fun! I’d take working in the porn biz over corporate life any day.

When it was finally time to shoot the big office ass-fucking scene, us extras were all carefully positioned around the office — one guy drinking a cup of coffee, one guy on the phone, one gal carrying a file folder to this ginormous old microfiche machine they had dug up somewhere (they did a great job dressing the set with old 1980s computers and telephones…they even had a bunch of clocks hung on the wall, Wall Street style, showing the various time zones — although in a charmingly lackadaisical fashion, the minute-hands were all set at different times). Meanwhile, Dick True sat off to one side, maintaining his erection by absentmindedly stroking his  ginormous uncircumsised penis through the open fly of his 1980s polyester suit with one hand, whilst checking his text messages with the other. PRICELESS. Then once we were all in place, the action started!

The script called for Dick True and Celine Maximilian to go at it on one of the desks, about 3 feet from my virgin eyes. Before he plowed her delicate anus, they were supposed to engage in a few other positions first, including reverse cowgirl, spooning and then a brief fellatio interlude. It was really interesting to watch their shop-talk as they got into position: “Is this OK for you?” “Ach no, it feels like you’re gonna break my cock.” “Oh sorry, how about if I put my leg up this way?” “Zat’s much better.”

Then when it came time to lower Miss Maximilian’s ass onto Dick True’s ginormous penis (I can’t emphasize enough how freakish it was…like a big wrinkly geoduck), it took the participation and aid of the entire crew to get her on there comfortably. Miss Maximilian lubed up her asshole liberally (turning over her shoulder to wink at the crowd of extras watching), and then everyone pitched in to help get her in place. Like they say, it takes a village to film an anal scene!

But when she was finally on there, it was box office gold! “You good? OK — ACTION!” The minute the cameras started rolling, Miss M switched it on like a light switch: “Oh yeah!! Oooh baby!! Fuck that asshole!! Pump that giant cock in my chocolate starfish!” It was hilarious how fake it all seemed — I mean, I had pretty much figured that shit was all fake, but seeing it up close and personal (remember, I was mere feet from the action) made it seem even more surreal. Especially when they had to stop filming briefly: “Cut! Cut! I can see blood!”

But then, come to find out, it wasn’t fake!! Filming actually had to pause again for a minute when Miss M. had such an earth-shattering orgasm (from anal sex!!!) that she almost passed out, and had to take a breather for a few minutes to collect herself. WOW! I have always assumed anal sex to be nothing but torture and pain for the receiving end, and claims to the contrary to be bullshit propaganda from selfish men. Come to find out, apparently I was wrong. (But I’m still not having anal sex. Ever.)

Anyway, this all went on for about 10-15 minutes, as Dick and Celine went through their positions, recited their “lines” (I think this part was ad-libbing) and hit their marks (they really did have marks). And then, finally, it was time to film the money shot, and wrap this bitch!!

By this time, we had all been onset about 10 hours — apparently there had been major delays earlier in the day, as the shoots don’t normally take this long. Either way, by now we were all bored, tired and ready to get the fuck outta there — the extras were covertly checking their cellphones, and the crew had been there even longer than us, so they were definitely ready to wrap. Now all we were waiting for was for Dick True to shoot his wad all over Celine Maximilian’s face.

The cameramen set up a ladder behind Dick, so the director could get a high angle shooting down on the action, while a second camera guy shot directly at jizz-level. Now all we had to wait for was for Dick to bust his nut. As mentioned, he had been maintaining his erection all day by absentmindedly stroking himself, and he’d done an amazing job, as his rod was ever-ready for action. But now he had to take himself over the edge…which took a little extra special stroking.

Can you imagine being in a room full of people — ten extras, two featured talent, plus about 15 crew — all bored and tired and impatiently waiting for you to bust your nut?? To make matters worse, one of the cameramen informed him that he only had a few minutes of battery left on his camera, so he had to hurry! Talk about pressure!!

But Dick True was a pro — he just closed his eyes, scrunched up his face, and concentrated on whatever it was that floated his particular boat…roomful of gawkers or no. After a few minutes he grunted “OK I’m ready!” (please remember, he had a thick Austrian accent), so everyone jumped into action: cameras started rolling, Celine Maximilian got to her knees in front of him, and then it happened. Thick gooey streams of Austro-Hungarian jizz coated the face and chest of Miss M, who smiled and moaned and lapped it up like it was a white chocolate fountain at a Bar Mitzvah. Yum! It was fascinating to watch her go through the moves like the total pro she was — she hit all the popular poses, made all the usual faces, and said all the right things, bam bam bam. It’s like any bullshit job, I suppose — you’re on autopilot.

Then when they finally called out the magic words “THAT’S A WRAP!” Miss M. stood up and turned to the crew, face, chest and belly covered in sperm: “Who wants a huggggg??????” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! Gooooooooooooooood times!

After that, she went off to get cleaned up, and the rest of us went back to get our checks for the day’s work. Let me tell you something, those people are pros about every aspect of this business — to get my check, I had to have my photo taken with my ID up next to my face, proving I was over 18. Then I had to be filmed stating that I was over 18 and had not been asked to do anything I was uncomfortable with. They covered all their bases. This was particularly interesting to me as I’d had several friends “warn” me to be careful, that “those porn guys” are notorious for luring you in over your head. Well, I have news for you: not this production company. They are TOTAL PROS! Porn gets a bad rap, but in my experience it’s a business just like any other — only more straightforward!

And then, I got the fuck out of there — I had another gig to be at in 15 minutes, but thankfully it was at the Cosmopolitan Hotel…mere feet away from the studio! Surreal, as was the entire day. But all in all I had a total fucking blast, and it is my sincere hope that they use me again for one of their movies — apparently they shoot out here all the time, so I think my chances are pretty good!!! STAY TUNED!!!!!

P.S. If interested, here’s the trailer for the movie:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8qRUDhEYGgU

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