Wonderhussy

Watch out everyone…I’M PISSED!!!

Not only am I on my period, it’s also so fucking cold that I’m wearing a ski parka as I type this. NOT FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!

@#$!(%$@&^%&@*!!!!!!!

I hate cold weather. One of the major reasons I moved here to the desert was so that I would never be cold again — well, I didn’t realize how fucking bone-chillingly cold it can get here in the winter. How cold is it? It’s so cold, they issued a deep freeze advisory to all the bimbos in town that they should wrap up their tits, so that their implants don’t burst! They even forecast snow tonight and tomorrow!!!

 

At least we only have to suffer a couple months of this shit. Still, as someone who makes the bulk of their income off being scantily clad or totally nude, this cold weather is an EXTRA BUMMER, financially. It’s too cold to do any outdoor photos, so aside from a couple indoor shoots, my modeling biz has pretty much been on ice lately. Meanwhile, there ain’t shit going on in Vegas right now aside from the annual yeehaw rodeo fest, and I didn’t get any gigs relating to that so I’ve basically just been sitting around with my thumb up my ass. I can’t even rely on my fall-back source of income — it’s too cold to go busking on the Strip in my weed showgirl costume, too!! So, basically…. I’m fucked. It sucks!!!

This dry spell started in late November, when I was afflicted by a plague of cancellations. First, these two dumbass motherfuck photographers from Model Mayhem stood me up. I don’t get it — these guys had booked me over a month in advance, and we were in constant communication about the shoot — I emailed them a list of locations, and drew up an itinerary, and we were all set to go for Thursday morning, Nov. 21. Even though the weather started turning shitty right around then, I still sacked the fuck up, got out of my cozy bed, and got myself ready to go by the unspeakably early hour of 9am. The plan was for the photographers to pick me up at my house, so I went out onto the street in front and waited for them…

…and waited, and waited…..

…until finally, after about 20 minutes of feeling like an idiot, I gave up and went inside. I didn’t have either of these losers’ phone numbers (we had been communicating via email) but I emailed them “WTF?!?! Where are you????” and went about my business. Finally, six hours later, they emailed me back: “Ohmygod we’re so sorry…we got you mixed up with another ‘bella’…can you shoot tomorrow?”

HELL FUCKING NO I CAN’T SHOOT TOMORROW, YOU FUCKING DUMB-ASS TWATS!!! WHAT, I SHOULD BLOCK OFF ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE TO SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR YOU TO STAND ME UP AGAIN?!?!?!?!

There’s something extremely fishy about this story — first off, if they got me “mixed up” with another “bella,” why the fuck did it take SIX HOURS to figure that out and let me know?! I can understand mix-ups — but the CLASSY THING TO DO would have been to LET ME FUCKING KNOW in a reasonable period of time!!! Fucking amateurs.

Believe it or not, in 5+ years of modeling that only happened to me once before, when some other old fucker stood me up at (of all sad places) Circus Circus. That time, I got so pissed off that I tried charging a nonrefundable $50 deposit on all shoots — just to cover my ass. But I found that photographers were unwilling to pay up, so I quit asking. I guess I just have to eat the occasional flake — being stood up is just one of the hazards of being a freelancer :-/ When you make your living off amateurs and perverts, it’s the price you pay.

So the very next day, I was headed out of town to the Bay Area for Thanksgiving. I had also scheduled a couple shoots out there, the weekend before — and guess what?! One of those dumbasses cancelled on me, too!!!!!!! With this one, I smelled something fishy ahead of time — the old fucker hired me back in October, and had been emailing and texting me quite a bit, until a week or so before the shoot I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a while, so I texted him to see if we were still on. No answer. Then I emailed him…and a couple days went by before he finally responded that he was so sorry, but he had to cancel the shoot because he had to go in for surgery. Uhhh, and you were waiting to tell me this when, exactly!?!?!?!?!?!?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I HOPE WHEN YOU GO IN FOR SURGERY THEY GIVE YOU A FUCKING BRAIN WHILE THEY’RE AT IT!!!!!  I swear to dog, am I the only one in this dogforsaken world  who has their shit together?! I mean, if I say I’ll do something then by god I fucking do it! And if I have to cancel, I give as much notice as possible.

FUCKERS!!!

Thankfully, my other shoot in the Bay Area did not flake, so I at least made some money while I was out there…and met a bunch of really cool guys, too (this was a seminar, with 9 photographers; it’s almost always guys at these things). Then after that, I pretty much just took the rest of the week off and hung out around the Bay Area with friends and family.  Fuck work!!!!

But even on the social front, I had more bogus cancellations. I was supposed to go camping on the beach in Bolinas with my friend Zen, but he bailed on me too — but at least he had a legit excuse, as he is moving to Angola to work for his dad’s dredging biz. So I only stopped off in San Francisco long enough to pick up a mannequin (Zen had a clothing business which he shut down, so he gave me one of his old mannequins) and

have this AMAZING lunch at a donut place near the ballpark that serves cheeseburgers on WAFFLES!! You read that right; it’s a cheeseburger between two waffles, drenched in syrup…and it is amazing. The only downside to eating one is, you won’t be able to walk for a week. But since I didn’t have any more photo shoots scheduled, I figured why the fuck not? I ate it, then changed into my pajamas, and stayed in them for the rest of the week.

 

Meanwhile, as I was driving around I had my new mannequin buddy on the passenger seat beside me — fabulous!! I dressed him up in some of my clothes, and he acted as a sort of scarecrow, keeping thieves and whatnot from breaking into my truck while I was in the city. I probably could have even used him to drive in the carpool lane…if I were inclined to be a cheating-ass motherfucker, which I’m not.

Anyway, I was out there in the Bay Area for about 10 days, and hands-down the best thing I did was eat mushrooms at this amazing planetarium up in the Oakland hills. Some family members and I were talking about how we always wanted to get baked and go see one of those cheesy laser-light shows set to the music of Pink Floyd. Since Vegas is way too unsophisticated to have a planetarium, I looked around the Bay Area and found a show on the Saturday night after Thanksgiving, at this place in Oakland.

Now, as with everything, I’m kind of a lightweight when it comes to shrooms — I only ever eat a gram, which is a fairly small dose, and lasts me about 4 hours. So we planned our excursion out carefully, so that we’d have enough time to sober up after the show and get home safely. This particular planetarium has a space museum attached to it, so we drove up there around 8pm, choked down the shrooms with some cheap red wine and a little weed out in the parking lot, and then wandered around the museum for two hours before the show started.

IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!

If one were sober, I think the museum might have come off as a bit hokey — it’s more of a kids’ thing, honestly. But on shrooms? IT WAS GREAT!! I haven’t had that much fun in I don’t know how long!! I laughed until I cried — always a good feeling. They had all these crazy interactive exhibits where you could experience what life is like for the astronauts on the Space Station, so we had a ton of fun playing around with those. Generally, we tried to be cool and not freak anybody out…but you could definitely tell we were high, I bet.

Then we went outside, where they had all these amazing high-powered telescopes, and we checked out Jupiter and stuff in the night sky. And then it was time for the laser light show to begin! WOW. 

If you haven’t seen one of these “Laserium” shows, they are super-cheesy programs set to music, with laser light doodles flashing around on a planetarium ceiling. Apparently the Pink Floyd one (“Dark Side of the Moon”) is still their most popular program, despite the fact that it’s hokey as hell and reeeeeeeeeeally low-tech, by today’s laser standards. STILL — if you’re on psychedelics, it’s awesome!! We just laid back and let the lights and music wash over us, with the stars sort of twinkling in the background. Amazing!!!! There were about 6 other people in the theater, and I don’t think they were on anything, so I have no idea if they enjoyed it or what. But I sure did!!

After the show ended, the planetarium closed and we were out in the cold. If it had been summer, it would have been awesome, as there are all kinds of trails in the forest up there, leading to amazing overlooks where you can see the entire Bay Area spread out before you. But as it was, it was freezing fucking cold, so we just huddled in the car until we were sober enough to drive home. Note to future shroomers: go here in summertime, and plan to camp out for awhile afterward!

Speaking of shrooms, I also had a little shroom adventure here in Vegas before I left for my trip. An acquaintance had invited me out to this little desert town on the edge of Death Valley that has several hot springs, for a day of soaking, shrooming and wandering around the desert. Of course I said yes, so he picked me up in the morning and we drove out to the town of Tecopa, got a room at Delight Hot Springs resort, and ate our medicine. Then we spent the rest of the day soaking in the mineral baths, said to have the second-highest concentration of minerals of any hot springs in the world!!

Delight’s is a kind of run-down little resort built in the ’40s, with that amazing run-down desert-y vibe, only now it’s been taken over by Koreans from Vegas, which makes it even more awesome! Meanwhile the “town” of Tecopa, which is really just a collection of trailers and RV parks, also boasts a natural hot spring out in the middle of this ultra-desolate valley, in a sort of marshy area with a mucky bottom and reeds all around. I’m really more into natural springs than the developed kind, so after we soaked in the Delight’s tubs for awhile, we put on our bathrobes and walked the half-mile or so to the natural springs, so that I could check it out.

Meanwhile, the shrooms had kicked in, and we were pretty high. When we got to the natural spring, these crazy Russians were sitting there having a picnic — in the middle of the most barren, bizarre moonscape this side of Mars, no less. But that’s Russians for ya! Well, my friend was too high to go near them, so we just hiked to the top of this little nearby hill, instead, and sat there in our bathrobes watching the sunset. It was fantastic!!! The sky out there was all kinds of beautiful, and it was utterly still and desolate, with this

amazing wintery desert smell in the air from the creosote bushes. We sat there until it got dark, at which time we ambled back down along the highway in our bathrobes, like the Dude from the Big Lebowski, back to Delight’s.

Now, Tecopa may be a teeny-tiny shitty desert town, but it also just happens to be home to one of the most fabulous restaurants anywhere on Earth — Pastel’s Bistro! Pastel’s is run by this awesome guy from Vegas who bailed on city living in favor of desert life. He used to be a bigwig chef here in town, but now he just hangs out in the desert getting baked and cooking up all this amazing healthy-type foodie food that is fucking out of this world!! The friend that I came with goes there all the time, and he said half the time he doesn’t even order off a menu — the chef just brings him out whatever’s good that day! I love those kinds of places.

Unfortunately, however, we were so high that time got away from us — we pissed away too much time soaking and racing around the desert listening to techno, so by the time we got to Pastel’s, they were closed 🙁 BOOOO! I gotta get back out there, stat. If anyone wants to go, hit me up. You buy dinner, I’ll provide the shrooms!

On a final note, here’s another one from the “Random Photos of Me Showing Up in Weird Places” file. A few years back, I did a shoot with some guy who was in town covering the World Championships of Monopoly (yes, there is such a thing). He took some nudie pics of me with a Monopoly game board, and then we drove down to the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign so I could pose for a photo with the New Zealand Monopoly Team, who had placed 2nd in the tournament. These guys were hardcore — they even had matching tracksuits, lol!!!

Anyway, nothing ever came of the pics…or so I thought, until now! A friend of mine found one of the photos from the shoot (below) on some Greek Facebook page. I don’t speak Greek (ahem), so I have no idea what it says….but it’s funny anyway!!