Wonderhussy

By special request, here is a step-by-step look at how I make up my face every single day of my miserable existence! Well…not every single day; five years ago I would never dream of even going to the gym without makeup, but over the past few years I’ve grown lazy and will occasionally schlep around town sans cosmetics. Quel horreur!!!!!

Anyhoo, grab a stiff drink and get ready to be shocked and appalled!!!!! Note: these pics are from 2010, but it’s basically the same ordeal now.

I start out with a freshly washed and moisturized face. I use CeraVie facewash, then apply alpha-hydroxy glycolic acid from acne.org (I am acne-prone), and then I use CeraVie moisturizer with an SPF of 30. I also use various eye creams, depending on the state of my eyelids (they get really dry and red sometimes, so then I use prescription ointments…but usually I use cheap-ass Jergens Face Cream on them, or sometimes Mario Badescu Control Cream). Time elapsed: 10min. Estimated cost: $0.50/day.

Next, I apply MAC water-resistant gel eyeliner in “Blacktrack,” with the teeny-tiniest little brush MAC sells.

Time elapsed (for this step): 2 min

Cost (for this step): $0.08

 

 

Now I curl my top eyelashes, which are pretty sparse and short, and then apply copious amounts of mascara — at least 5 coats. I use Colossal Volum’ Express by Maybelline…and if I plan to be in the water, I’ll use the waterproof version.

Time: 3 min/ Cost: $0.12

 

 

Next, I smooth out my blotchy complexion with MAC StudioFix powder in NC-25. I have been using this same powder since 2000! I love it! If I have zits, I’ll dab them with some cheap-ass concealer or another.

Time: 1 minute/ Cost: $0.24

 

Now I put on bronzer and blush, to give my pale-ass face some color (I’m pale thanks to the fact that I wear sunblock on my face every day no matter what). any bronzer will do — whatever’s cheapest. I currently use Wet ‘N’ Wild bronzer in “Bikini Contest.” For blush, I use Wet ‘N’ Wild in “Pearlescent Pink.”

Time: 30 sec.

Cost: $0.03 (they last a looooong time)

Then I put mascara on my bottom eyelashes, which are also wussy, sparse and short.

Time: 3 min

Cost: included in estimate for top lashes

 

 

Now I put on lip stain, to make my thin white-lady lips look fuller. For this I use CoverGirl Outlast Lipstain #450…basically a marker for your face!

Time: 30 sec/ Cost:$0.04

 

 

Over the lipstain, I use regular CoverGirl Outlast lip color in “Brazen Raisin” (who the fuck comes up with these names?!). I have been using this shit forEVER, and it REALLY WORKS! I’ve said before that it stays on thru banana splits and blow jobs — and it’s the truth! I apply two coats for best coverage, then the glossy top coat.

Time: 3 min (you have to get it just right before it sets). Cost: $0.25

Next, I apply MAC eyeshadow in “Star Violet.”

Time: 15sec

Cost: $0.00 (MAC has this awesome program where if you bring in 6 empty plastic makeup containers, they give you a free eyeshadow or lipstick. So I recycle my old eyebrow pencils and StudioFix compacts and get my shadow for free!)

Now I apply a thin cat-eye line of liquid eyeliner to my top eyelid. I LO-O-O-VE Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s waterproof liquid liner, but they don’t make it anymore so I use Wet ‘N’ Wild H2O black liquid liner…but with the old Mary-Kate and Ashley applicator, which is much more precise!

Time: 1 min/ Cost: $0.06

 

Last, I do my eyebrows. I use MAC gel eyeliner in “Dipdown,” sort of lightly filling in the bald spots/sketching them on with an angled brush from MAC. Then I use the MAC eyebrow pencil in “Lingering” to sort of blend it all together.

Time: some days it takes forever to get them right, but usually about 5 min.

Cost: $0.28

Total time elapsed: Around one hour (and that’s without doing my hair!! To pass the time, I listen to NPR…except on the weekends, when they play all those lame-ass wacky non-news shows)

The total cost of all this adds up to $1.60/day, which is $576/YEAR!!! And THAT’s why men should pay for dinner…it’s already costing us gals a fortune just to show up looking good. Unless you happen to be one of those naturally beautiful bitches….grrrr.