Wonderhussy

Oy, VEY IS MIR! What a SHITTY week!!!

The shit, of course, all centered around my shit-ass job as a souvenir photographer at a certain Strip showroom. I’ve been doing this job for 12 years (!!!) and it used to be pretty good money — straight commission for as many cheesy souvenir kissy-face photos as you can sell to a showroom audience. I work at the biggest theater in town, at one of the classier shows, so you’d think I’d have it pretty good. WRONG! Business has been going down the shitter lately; people aren’t as into photos as they used to be, and I haven’t even cracked $100 most nights lately. The last night I worked, I only made $50!!! Achhhhh!!!

The one night I did make some money, paradoxically, was the night I had to sacrifice my dignity and stand beside a wax effigy of the headliner who performs in the showroom where I work, hawking photos “with” the star. Humiliating!!! Many’s the time I’ve qvetched about that damn creepy mannequin, but guess what? It’s still around. My hopes were raised when they took the head off it for a few days, but all they did was re-style its ugly-ass hairdo, and touch up its makeup. WTF! It’s a mannequin!!! 

Ghastly or no, a certain demographic loooves this mannequin…and this past week it was my turn to work that station (there are 8 photographers in the theater, and we take turns, since the mannequin is — bizarrely — the most lucrative spot to work). Lucky me, the night I got it was the night some poor fool decided to propose to his girlfriend in front of the mannequin!!!!! And SHOCKINGLY, she said yes!!

All this was captured on camera by yours truly, and I would love nothing more than to share these hilarious photos with you: he’s crying, she’s crying, and the godawful ghastly mannequin is standing in the background staring blankly ahead over both of them. It’s WEIRD! Alas, I’m afraid I’d lose my job if I shared these photos with you…so you’ll just have to use your imagination 🙂

Anyhoo, aside from the indignity of shooting photos of a wax mannequin, I was also subjected to various other tortures at work these past couple of weeks. For some reason, people have been just rude lately. I’m not exactly cut out for customer service (a/k/a ass-kissing) in the best of times….and when people are downright rude to me, it’s REALLY hard for me to hold my tongue. Like last week, I was going around in the theater doing my job. I approached one party of four and asked them if they’d like a photo. “How about a kiss?!” one of the men retorted.

I laughed it off, because you know me — I’ve heard much worse. Besides, the guy was so ugly and obviously foreign that I felt sorry for him, so I cut him some slack. But wouldn’t you know it, when I came back a little while later, to photograph an adjacent party of Chinese tourists, the same asshole started in again: “How about a kiss?!”

This time, I called out “SECURITY!!!” in a half-joking tone of voice…which really set the fucker off guffawing and braying like a love-starved jackass. As I continued going about my business photographing the Chinese group, he kept a running commentary of rude remarks directed toward me: “You need to get out of Vegas! You need a boyfriend!”

Finally I snapped at him, “YOU need some MANNERS! I’m a person, with feelings, not a photo-bot…don’t talk to me like that!”

Ooooooooh, snap! Now this blonde hag that was in his party started in: “Who do you work for? What’s your name?!” Obviously, she wanted to report me for bad behavior, so I just walked away and went about my job. But she followed me, grabbed my name tag and said “Sarah Jane, huh?!” with a smirk and a little nod, like, “I’ll show you for daring to talk back to my asshole friend!!!!”

Here’s where I snapped: in front of everyone, I said, “I hope you DO report me! Please — CALL MY BOSS! Because everyone in this section of the theater saw what happened! He had NO CALL to treat me like that!”

Thankfully, the show started right after that, and the headliner’s caterwauling soon shut out all thoughts of revenge. Still, I had put in a preemptive call my boss to warn him that some angry miserable old hag might be calling him soon to complain about me…which I still feel was completely unjustified. That man was harassing me, plain and simple, and there is no reason I should have to put up with that. Whatever I do in my personal life (hah!!!), when I’m at work I carry myself more or less professionally — I wear a suit and carry a camera and am obviously not a whore or a dumb chippie. So don’t talk to me like that!!

A few days later, it was even worse. I was out in the casino, waiting for the show to be over so I could sell my photos and get the fuck out of there to go home, drink wine and watch The Wire…when some self-important douche-nozzle comes barreling up, demanding: “Where’s ___?” (An overpriced sushi restaurant that is soon to open in the hotel.)

“I don’t think it’s open yet,” I started to tell him, but he cut me off:

“I KNOW it’s open because I have a reservation and the CHEF just called to CONFIRM with me!!! Now WHERE IS IT?!!”

Now, I know for a fact that this restaurant is not opening until later this year — I walk past the fuckin’ drywall where it’s supposed to be every single day. But what do I know? I’m just a service industry peon. Still, I tried to tell him, “Uh, no, actually, I’m pretty sure–”

“I’M NOT ASKING YOU IF IT’S OPEN!!!!!! I’M ASKING YOU WHERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” This cunt-ass fat fuck was yelling at me like I was less than a speck of flyshit on a wad of horseshit for daring to try and help him. Fuck you! You see, I thought he was probably confused, and meant one of the other sushi restaurants in the hotel — I was going to try and help him get to the right place out of fucking professional courtesy and hospitality! But he wanted none of that, so I just pointed him in the direction of the drywalled-off, NOT YET OPEN restaurant he was talking about. Dumbass!!!!! I bet he was salty as fuck when he got there and saw that I was right! I would have given anything to see his fat cunty face when saw that I was right. Asshole!

That restaurant is gonna suck, anyway — the drywall is covered with stupid quotes from celebrities raving about how awesome the food is at its other locations, and the celebrities are Bill Clinton, Madonna and Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet?! With all respect to Kate Winslet, since when is she a fuckin’ food critic?! Who the fuck bases their restaurant choices on the rantings and ravings of the likes of Madonna, for that matter?!! What the fuck is wrong with this world?!!?!????

Aaaaaaaanyhoo, speaking of shitty restaurants, listen to THIS! About four months ago I was called into our corporate office because I had written a negative Yelp! review of a steakhouse at the same hotel. My employer asked me if I would please consider taking it down, since they were trying to get in good with that restaurant so they would allow souvenir photographers to roam around harassing the diners. I REALLY didn’t want to take down the review — this restaurant treated me ABOMINABLY, and had the chutzpah to charge me $350 on top of it all — but my employer told me if I didn’t, they might lose their entire photo concession at that hotel…meaning me and all my friends would lose our jobs. “And you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?!?!?!?” So, I very begrudgingly took the review down. Censorship!!!

Well, the other night I finally found out what happened: the executive chef in that restaurant saw my review online, and freaked the fuck out. He supposedly went all the way to the president of the entire hotel/casino to try and get me fired over it — ALL FOR SPEAKING THE TRUTH! What the hell! What a sad, petty man. Apparently, they couldn’t really fire me over something like that…so to this day, that fucker is pissed as hell at me, and wishes me ill. What a jerk!

Now, as if all THAT weren’t enough, my boyfriend Captain Crunch was mad at me too! He felt like I was taking advantage of him and taking him for a fool (long story that basically boils down to I need to start paying for half of everything), and then he went and made plans with his guy friend on the only night off we had in common…so I haven’t seen him in about a week. Sad! It was mostly a miscommunication, which we cleared up, and we are going camping in Utah tomorrow (he hates camping, but acquiesced to my desires in a conciliatory gesture)…so everything should be OK. I hope! That blossoming relationship was one of the few bright spots in my life these days!

And then as if THAT weren’t enough, I almost got my Facebook profile deleted again for making a negative comment about that dumb new movie “Ted” on an anti-Family Guy Facebook page!!!!! I couldn’t believe it — my account was actually frozen because some assmunching dingleberry flagged a comment I made about Ted on the “I Hate Family Guy” page. WHAT???!!!! Don’t tell me that jerkoff Seth MacFarlane is behind all this! I loathe Family Guy and anything Seth MacFarlane-related — it’s just not funny to me! But the one thing I can get behind is his anti-censorship shtick. So, why the fuck was I censored for saying something bad about his movie?!?????? SETH!!! If you’r reading this, WHAT GIVES???!

Arrrgh. Now that I’ve got all that bitching off my chest, I feel a lot better. And thankfully, I have almost 2 weeks off now…so I get some much-needed time away from work. That place was driving me crazy!

Still, I shouldn’t be so happy to be off for two weeks, because I kinda need some money! I think I already mentioned how I need to earn about $13,000 before I’m finally financially set…well, it’s been slow going. I did a random gig as a mascot at a Latino Family Day event, and then I did a couple photo shoots in random people’s hotel rooms…but altogether it only added up to around $465 🙁 Meanwhile, my stripper friends keep talking about all the money they’ve been making…and I feel like an idiot! I’ll let some Colombian girl suck my toes at the Aria for $165, but I won’t dry-hump some losers in a dark strip club for thousands?! WHAT is my major malfunction?!?!

I especially need to start making some money because…guess what?? I *FINALLY* got health insurance!!! Blue Cross/Blue Shield decided I’m not that big of a train wreck, after all, and issued me a preferred policy (LOL)!!!! Can you fucking believe it?!! After TWO YEARS of trying and being denied, now all of a sudden I’m a preferred customer?!?! This lady down at Nevada Benefits really came thru for me on this one, and now I have the extreme privilege of shelling out $154/month in exchange for TWO doctor’s visits a year (aside from annual checkups, which are considered preventative care and are free) and a $1000 deductible. Yaaaay….??? I guess it’s a good thing to have in case of super traumatic injury…but otherwise, I kinda feel like I’m just pissing away $6 a day. I can’t really get much more out of it! Hmmmm.

Oh, well. I did have SOME fun these past couple of weeks…I went out on the lake on my friend’s boat, and brought a few of my girlfriends along for fun. Before long we were all naked, swimming around in Cooter Cove and having the time of our lives. It’s been really HOT here lately — like around 115 degrees — so the lake was the perfect place to be. My friend has a medium-sized boat that seats about 6 people, which was just the right amount for a party. Unfortunately, both times we went out I had places to be in the evening, so I couldn’t stay out all night — which would have been AWESOME!

One of the days, I had to hurry back into town to catch the 8:00 performance of Chippendales, which I was reviewing for a local website. It was great!! The guys came out in all the cliched tough-guy costumes: Marines, vampires, construction workers, etc…then ripped it all off and teabagged the air while dry-humping invisible lovers. Nice. The best part about those shows is watching the crowd, anyway…those women were going apeshit! Good times! Thankfully, the website I write for (accessvegas.com) only has a few female staff writers, and none of them want to cover the male revues. Lucky me!! I’ve already seen American Storm and Chippendales, so hopefully next they send me to Thunder From Down Under — I’ve always thought those guys were exceptionally hot!

Speaking of websites I write for, I also just teamed up with DrunkenAbsurdity.com to write stuff as one of their Revolutionaries…you can check out my first piece here! It’s all about the magic of Fremont Street, a place I dearly love but haven’t spent much time in lately. I need to get back down there!

Now, one last thing I did last week was go to a swingers’ pool party. As you may know by now, I kinda hate swingers’ parties — I’m not a swinger, I just like being naked — but the friend who invited me to this one swore up and down it wasn’t a swingers’ thing — just a bunch of people who like to be naked. HAH!!!!! OF COURSE it turned out to be a swingers’ party, and I saw some things I can’t erase from my memory, no matter how I try. The most egregious example was this one old letch in the pool, one of those older tanned guys with a gold chain around his neck and a dyed-black pompadour mullet, who had a “hot” (loosely speaking) wife that he liked to show off — one of those boozy, floppy-titted blondes with frizzy hair and stretch marks who was busy a-suckin’ away at her man’s dick as he sat on the edge of the pool. She got bored after awhile and drifted away, leaving her hubby’s ginormous shaven schlong bobbing up and down like an old-fashioned elevator handle: “Going DOWN?!!” GROSS! His hairless nutsack drooped along underneath as bald as a baby’s ass, and try as I might I could not look away. UGH!!!! WHY???? I got the fuck out of there shortly afterward!

I mean, I really enjoy being naked. Why can’t there be a place for people like me, who enjoy unsexualized nudity?!?!?? Aren’t there any of you out there??????? I guess not!

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