Wonderhussy

I just read the following quote, and it infuriated me SO WILDLY that, despite suffering debilitating fatigue brought on by nine hours of Super Bowl waitressing, with only a pair of Daisy Dukes to protect me against a roomful of obnxious, beer-swilling mooks, I had to log in here to address it.

Addressing the idea of radical transparency (basically my M.O., of sharing EVERYTHING online and keeping no secrets), Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said: “More transparency should make for a more tolerant society in which people eventually accept that everybody sometimes does bad or embarrassing things.”

SAY WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!

Facebook does not support radical transparency. It will not allow me to be radically transparent — Lord knows I’ve tried! But for my efforts, all I’ve gotten were warnings, threats…and a permanently deleted profile.

I signed up on Facebook in 2006, but didn’t get into it til around ’09, when it really started taking off. I was all over it that year, posting all kinds of crazy photos, stories and updates — keeping my friends and family amused, and making many new friends in the process.

Then I got a warning that I had posted some “inappropriate content” that violated their user agreement, and that they had gone ahead and removed the offending material, which was these photos:

Now, Facebook wasn’t so kind as to TELL me what they’d deleted…I had to go thru my albums and figure out what was missing. And when I realized it, I was pissed! FOR REALS, FACEBOOK?! I took pains to edit out the “bad” parts in the first pic, and in the second one you can barely see anything anyway! Besides that, I think I actually edited the second one too, and put a dot over my nip or something.

In the warning message, Facebook warned me to go through my profile and remove any more objectionable material, or else they would delete my profile. So I went through and sanitized it…or so I thought.  Apparently, I neglected to remove THIS vilely offensive photo:

And because I left it up, my profile was permanently deleted. Seriously?!

I emailed Facebook, asking them to puh-leeeeeeeease reinstate my profile, explaining that I’d removed everything even remotely construable as offensive, and that they were welcome to go through it and sanitize it themselves…but all I got was a terse reply (hey, at least they answered me) stating that they were sorry, but their decision was final. D’OH!!!!!

What a PAIN IN THE ASS — now I had to go back on, create a new profile, using a different email address (they only allow one account per email address, ever), and had to painstakingly re-add all my 500 0r so friends…the ones I remembered, anyway. Then I had to re-upload hundreds of photos, many of which I’d since lost (and thus lost forever), and re-write all my witty captions and commentary underneath them….BLAH!

Was it worth it? YES!!!!!!! I *love* Facebook; using it has led me to so many new friends, lovers, and relatives I hardly knew I had. I just think it’s great. I don’t care if they sell my info to advertisers…it’s worth it to me, to have the massive convenience that it offers. A status update like  “Anyone have a lug wrench I can borrow?” is guaranteed to get answers and help — although mine are usually more along the lines of “I need a chain-smoking midget for a fetish shoot tonight!! Please contact me ASAP if interested!”

Because I love Facebook so much, nowadays I am extremely careful not to post objectionable content. Even still, I get smacked every once in awhile — I got another warning email once around Xmas 2010 that some more “inappropriate material” had been removed from my page. What was it this time?!

<—THIS!!! LOLZ! Really, Facebook? Or should I say Taliban?! Since when is a bikini inappropriate content, you closeted, miserable uptight ass burgers (I mean Asperger’s)?!?!?!?!?!

I should have called the ACLU on this one, but I pussed out and meekly accepted my punishment. But a simmering resentment remains…which is why I cackled so gleefully a couple months ago, when those awesome hackers spammed Facebook with all that awful porn. I LOVED IT! “You fuckers don’t even know what inappropriate material is! Check this out!”

Anyhooz, nowadays I have adopted a verrrrrry conservative approach to Facebook. I pussyfoot around, so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of some random Jebus-blowing granny in Assburg, Iowa…and it’s a fucking farce! That’s not the real me — and it’s certainly not “radical transparency.”

I have a private profile! Random grannies aren’t even gonna be able to see my freaking page! I should be allowed to be MYSELF on my own, private page.

Besides, both my grandmas, plus all my aunts, uncles, cousins, brother, sisters and my own dear Mother are my Facebook friends. THEY don’t appear to be offended — so what the fuck?!

This pisses me off so much that I once got in my car and drove 600 miles to Palo Alto, just to flash my poontang at Mark Zuckerberg. It was probably the first poontang he ever saw, come to think of it! Anyway, it didn’t help change anything, but…it made me feel better 🙂

Anyway, the point of this whole rant is: radical transparency IS the awesome future! I often drone on and on about how if no one kept secrets, the world would be a better place. And I’m not just trying to justify my perverse obsession with TMI — I really believe it. So, Mark Zuckerberg, if you’re reading this, you should change your policy. That would be truly radical!!!