Wonderhussy

I *FINALLY* figured out the one person who can still help me save my house……Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorganChase. He’s the greedy asshole sitting atop the pile of crooked and ill-begotten mortgages in Chase’s coffers… after three years of dealing with powerless underlings who “can’t” help me, I finally found the one who can.

HELP ME, JAMIE DIMON! YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!

All I’m asking is for you to let me short-refi my house for the amount that it is currently short selling for. It is currently appraised at $105,000. *PLEASE* let me buy it back from you guys for that amount! PLEASE! 🙂

If I don’t hear back from Jamie Dimon, then it’s time to go to Plan B. Alpha Male douchebags like this are what keep Vegas afloat…I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before Jamie Dimon comes to town for some kind of corporate-sponsored debauchery. I’m asking allllll my local readers who are strippers, prostitutes and drug dealers to MEMORIZE HIS FEATURES! He’s BOUND to show up one of these days, and when he does….

LET ME KNOW!

Also, I’m sure a stuffed-shirt Type-A power player like Jamie Dimon has SOME kinda weird fetish. Likely he’s into being abused, dominated, pissed on or having his balls tortured. If anyone knows of his having such a fetish…

LET ME KNOW!

I’ll be happy to accommodate 🙂 I won’t even charge him — Jamie, if you’re reading this and you’re turned on by any of this…

LET ME KNOW!

I won’t even charge you! I’m sure we could work out a trade. I’ll humiliate you however you like…and in exchange, you could just give me… say….my house.

Deal?

I’m waiiiiiiting…..

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