Wonderhussy

Thanks for my friend Adam Sternberg (shotbyadam.com) for helping me redesign my blog template…I figured it was time to jazz it up a little. I still have a LOT of work to do, but at least I finally got started.

Anyway, I’ll cut right to the chase — I did a lot o’ crazy stuff the last several days. SURPRISE!!!!

As usual, my paid gigs ran the gamut from “OMG!” to “WTF?!” On the milder side, I did a scavenger hunt for theGoGame.com as Secret Agent Hotpants, over at the Bellagio. For this character, the script calls for me to dress sexy and post up at a bar for 2-3 hours, and when the teams of players find me, they have to kick me their best pick-up line to try and score my phone number. Depending on how lame their lines are, I give them a number that doubles as a score. In this particular game I actually got some pretty good ones — one guy reached back and fiddled with the tag on my shirt, which I thought must have been sticking out or something…but then he said, “Oh, I was just checking to see if you were Made in Heaven.” ACK!!! That was a top scorer.I got another clever one involving a packet of sugar, but I can’t remember what the line was, alas. Anyway, it was a fun game, and I always enjoy playing Secret Agent Hotpants…even though you run the risk of being confronted by security for being a hooker, since who else puts on a sexy outfit to sit alone at a hotel bar for 2-3 hours talking to strange dudes??

More towards the “WTF” end of the spectrum, I also went in to be fitted for an Ass Wrap. You know how they “wrap” cars with advertisements — basically a big sticker/wallpaper that covers the car with a corporate logo? Well, now they can do that with asses, too — just check out facebook.com/FleshWraps!  I went down to the shop where they print the wraps, and they printed me out a pair of panties, then fitted them to my ass specifically, thus creating a pattern that can be used to print out endless future pairs of panties just for me, bearing the corporate logos of whatever fine company wants to assvertise — Disney? Focus on the Family? Romney/Ryan 2012??! Come on, guys, don’t be shy — there’s plenty of room on my keister for ALL of your messages!

Delving deeper into the “WTF” arena, I did some REALLY weird fetish videos for a new studio I just started working for –I’m not even sure what it’s called, to be honest 😮 The first one involved me playing a scrawny, frumpy housewife trying to make dinner for my husband, who was about to get home from work. Problem was, I was SOOOO scrawny and weak, I couldn’t even open the can of beans I was trying to cook! I whined and moaned about how weak I was, and then “prayed to the kitchen gods” to make me stronger. Next thing you know, this Wonder Woman costume magically appears underneath my frumpy housewife clothes!! I tear off my outer layer to reveal that I am now a superheroine, with bulging muscles and super powers — and not a moment too soon, as at THAT VERY MOMENT a giant masked intruder breaks into my house, thinking to steal all my stuff!!! (In a bit of lamentable typecasting, the guy who was filming this enlisted the help of his roommate, a big black guy, who was good-natured enough to step in and play along.) I proceeded to “kick his ass,” then threw him out onto the street: “…and STAY out!!!”

Then after that, we did a clip where I put on a giant pair of fake boobs and a giant fake ass, underneath some huge, baggy clothes. I rambled on about how “I just LOOOOVE my big juicy ass and my big, juicy tits! Those skinny bitches at the office are just jealous of me — especially that one cow who put a ‘curse’ on me. Hah! They’re just jealous ’cause I’m such a gorgeous BBW,” etc. etc. etc. (these fetish videos require a LOT of ad-libbing; you actually do have to be somewhat of an actress to do these, haha).

Well, next thing you know, the “curse” takes effect — first my ass disappears, then my tits. Now I’m flat as a pancake on both sides!!! I cry and moan and attempt to eat a can of beans to maybe grow them back…but I just keep shrinking and shrinking until my clothes fall off, and I’m huddled there naked and tiny in a pile of fabric. LOL! I’m guessing there had to be some intensive post-production done on this one, because the special effects were pretty weak.

Then I did another shoot for Boomhilda.com, wherein I sat on and popped a bunch of balloons. It might sound like easy cash, but take a look at the welts I got on my inner thigh from doing this! OUCH!!! Thankfully, balloon-popping was only about 2/3 of the shoot — we also shot a tickling clip (I was tickled on my bed by a phantom tickler), and then a clip of me washing my hair in the shower (apparently hair-washing is a big fetish too). Whatever; I had to wash my hair anyway!!

So that was all the fetish stuff I did lately. Then one day, a Facebook friend messaged me about some French movie that was filming here in town, and needed a topless model for a minor role. I said I’d do it, and they told me to go downtown to the Beat coffee shop to “meet with the director.” I went down there, and what a clusterfuck!!!! First of all, I find that coffee shop a WEE bit on the pretentious side — I guess I do like it, but it tries so hard to be Portland-y that it can sometimes get on my nerves. Also, it’s a real BITCH to park at, and I didn’t have time to ride my bike, as I was having a really busy day. But the MAIN thing that pissed me off was that there was a line of 100 unemployed wannabe actors lined up to “meet the director” for this “French movie,” which turned out to be a music video, not even a movie. So I had to stand around and wait, which I didn’t really have time for! Not to sound like a diva — I understand the purpose of auditioning; I JUST DON’T BOTHER DOING IT — EVER!!! Why? Because out of the 100s of hours I’ve wasted auditioning for shit, I have VERY, VERY rarely ever been cast for anything. There are SO many other models /actresses in Vegas, with bigger tits and more ability, that I decided about 2 years ago not to even bother any more. It’s a total waste of my time! PLUS, while you’re waiting, you have to suffer the asinine company and conversation of all the other wannabe bozos in line — a fate worse than being buggered with a broken Coke bottle by Tim Tebow onstage at a Christian megachurch!!!!! ARRRRRRRGH!!!! ***NEVER**** ask me to audition for ANYTHING!!!!!!!

Anyhoo, I waited for about 10 minutes before crossing my name off the list and bailing the fuck out of there — I had SHIT to do, yo! (Interestingly, they didn’t even end up casting anyone that day…I saw them post a week later on Model Mayhem, still looking for someone. And it was NO FUCKIN’ WONDER, since I got a good look at the other people in line, and it was slim fuckin’ pickin’s!!! Maybe I should have stayed, after all…oh, well.)

As mentioned, I was in a real hurry that day — I had scheduled a fun photo shoot with my good friend Randy a/k/a Shutterbug-Studio, and I still needed to run around and collect a few items for the shoot. My friend Mat had given me this awesome pink Lady Elvis costume, so I wanted to try and find a blonde Elvis wig to go with it — so I could spray paint it pink! I also got a last-minute idea for a photo involving a watermelon, so I had to run around town looking for one of those, too — no easy feat at this time of year! Like I said — I was BUSY!!

I was able to find the watermelon (see below for the FABULOUS results), but alas, on the wig front all the costume stores in town came up dry. WTF!!! This is VEGAS, and a girl can’t find a blonde Elvis wig?!?!?! I guess I’ll have to order one online — but in the meantime, I ended up just sort of shaping my own massive hair into a pompadour, and spraying it pink. AND IT CAME OUT GREAT — don’t you think????!!! P.S. Yes that’s my trusty throne that I found at Burning Man, ha ha ha…I bet the asshole who left it laying on the playa is pretty bummed out right about now! I mean, just $10 of spray paint, and look how fabulous it is!!!

Anyhoos, the pics we shot that day are REALLY fabulous….but when I got home, I was inspired for an EVEN MORE FABULOUS shoot!! I won’t say what it is, but it’s gonna involve some intensive hair, makeup and prop-building — so watch out! I actually got inspired for about 5 or 6 new photos, which is great, because guess what??? Randy and I are collaborating on a FABULOUS BOOK OF OUR PHOTOS! Watch out; this is sure to take the art world by storm. We’ve been shooting together for about 4 years, on and off, and have amassed quite a collection of fantastic pix — so we’re going to publish the best of them in a sort of coffee table art book — photos by Randy, text by me! My idea is to write a short, witty

blurb about each photo — maybe about its origins, or something weird that happened during the shoot, etc. So you’ll get fantastic photos AS WELL AS scintillatingly witty writing! I will be sure to let everyone know when this book is ready — trust me, you’ll definitely want one!

I have long wanted to publish a book of my photos, but they are taken by so many different photographers that it would be a nightmare to get all the necessary permissions. The sad fucking truth is that, as a model, I do not own the copyright to ANY of my photos 🙁 Even the ones where it was MY concept, my hair/makeup/costuming, my location scouting, etc. — because the photographer clicked the shutter, he owns the image. I understand if it was a shoot for which the photographer PAID me…but this applies even if it was a Trade (i.e. unpaid) shoot! ARRRGH! I have so many awesome photos shot by so many awesome photographers, but it just isn’t feasible to get them all together in one book. But since I’ve shot the most with Randy, I decided to team up with him. I do have a lot of SUPER BAD ASS photos with Michael Maze, as well…so maybe I’ll team up with him on a second book 🙂 And another of my fave photographers, Barfing Rainbows, is also working on a book of his own in which some of my pics will appear…so look out for that!

So aside from all that, I also did a gig as a corporate mascot at a convention for convenience store owners. Picture a cavernous convention center, FILLED with displays of candy, chocolate, pizza, pretzels, beef jerky, CHEESE jerky (?!?!?!), potato chips, TastyKakes, cookies, deep fried taquitos, hot dogs….basically every NASTY-ASS “food” item that can be purchased at a convenience store (or, as they call them in the trade, “C-Stores…” LMFAO!). WORSE, all the vendors are offering free samples of everything! Luckily for me I was trapped inside a giant rabbit suit, and couldn’t do tooooo much damage…but I did get a few breaks, and I’m here to tell you it was ugly. I tried to eat a healthy breakfast before going over there, to try and fortify myself…but it was no use. Despite my better instincts — I work out and eat healthy — the smells of all that awful shit called to me. I swear, they add some kinda chemicals to that crap to make you crave it. D’OH!!!!!!! I ate SO. MUCH. CRAP. Fried mac-n-cheese wedges, tater tots, French toast stix, pizza, Slurpees, chocolate wine (!!! my new favorite thing!!!)…ugh, I want to puke just remembering it.

 
To get away from the temptation, on one of my breaks I went outside and sat there reading one of the trade journals they were passing out  — I always find it interesting to read these insider magazines, in this case to see what the fuck is going through the mind of someone who owns a C-store. It also happens to be election season, so a good bulk of this particular mag was devoted to stumping for Romney…but mostly AGAINST Obama. These c-store owners *DESPISE* Obama…mostly for Obamacare, which they say would force them to offer insurance to their employees, which they can’t afford!

OMG you poor souls…I understand you don’t turn a profit on gasoline, but how about the markups on that artery-clogging GARBAGE you’re pimping to your blue-collar patrons (and employees)?! Are you fucking serious?? If convenience stores only sold apples and pornography, you wouldn’t even NEED Obamacare — everyone would be hale and hearty! Arrgh! Seriously, I’m no nanny-stater…but “STUFFERS?” CHEESE JERKY??! This isn’t food, it’s tumors!!!  As mentioned, I am well-informed and try to eat well, but having that shit around is REALLY hard to resist. I’m not saying it should be illegal — everyone should be free to make their own bad choices — but it should be taxed to tell, so that the extra revenue can be used to PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS OF THE INDIGENT FOOLS WHO EAT THIS SHIT! Obesity is about to cost the U.S.A. **BILLIONS** of dollars in healthcare costs…and Dog knows the crooked fuckers in the insurance industry are salivating at the prospect. Wise up, America!

<—- (And if you didn’t believe me about the c-store industry being anti-Obama…check out THIS little bit of thinly-veiled racism. O………..M…………..G.)

In other news, a fabulous local bar/bowling alley/nightclub called Drink & Drag just rolled out a new Lesbian Night on Wednesdays, called Dollhaus…and they have Drag King competitions every other week! I went out there last Wednesday as my male alter-ego, Johnny Areola, and had a grand old time groping the tits and asses of every woman in the house. I LOVE BEING A MAN! Seriously, it’s very liberating walking around without a fucking purse hanging off your shoulder — as Johnny Areola, I roll around with just my keys, money and ID tucked in my front pocket — easy peasy! No makeup to fuss with, no bullshit. Love it!

I met up with my friend Mistress Mizery, who was co-hostessing the event, and then I performed in the Drag King competition, which was just like a Drag Queen thing where they lip-sync Whitney Houston songs or whatever…only now it’s Drag KINGS lip-syncing manly-man songs, haha! I wanted to do George Michael’s “Faith,” but the DJ didn’t have it…so I settled for “YMCA” instead. The contest was judged by audience applause, and since none of my friends were there except Mistress Mizery, I came in 2nd place 🙁 Fuck that shit! I decided never to go again….but then the next Wednesday, Mistress Mizery texted me begging me to come down and perform! She said they would even pay me a small stipend this time, so I got back into my Man Suit and went back down there for another round.

This time it wasn’t a competition — just performances, and they finally had “Faith,” so I lip-synced that and made a few tips from the audience. Nice!!! I never did get paid for going down there, but I didn’t feel like waiting around all night so I kinda just bailed right after the performance, anyway. But before I left, the badass lesbian promoter who runs these events took me aside and told me she’s starting a Drag King Revue, and I can be in it!!! She’s going to cast five Drag Kings, then teach us choreographed routines and shit, just like the Backstreet Boys, LMFAO!!!!! How fucking fun is THAT going to be??? Watch out, Vegas!!!!

Now speaking of things to watch out for, I spent last Friday night hanging out with this local magician friend of mine, and he has a REALLY cool idea for an attraction: facebook.com/WhatIsItVegas! Basically, it’s like one of those roadside attractions that charge you $1 to see the “Thing…” you know, the classic P.T. Barnum shtick!! I *LOVE* stuff like that! Well, I happen to have some inside info on this “Thing” my friend has acquired, and I’m here to tell you…IT IS FREAKY! I’m sure sure *quite* what the fuck it is, but it is BIZARRE! All he’ll say about it is that it was “Purportedly found on the Banks of Lake Mead, Very close to the Hoover Dam… Never Before Seen By The Public!… What is it?” So anyway, look out for that coming to a spot near you in the near future!!!

Anyway, my magician friend and I went to the Renaissance Faire for a couple hours, which was the same old, same old…and then we hit up the 10th Anniversary of the First Friday Arts Festival in downtown Vegas for a couple of hours, where I helped some friends of mine pass out flyers for the 3rd Annual Las Vegas Halloween Parade, a **FANTASTICALLY FUN** parade/party that will be held in downtown Vegas on Halloween night. Seriously people, if you have no plans for Oct. 31st (a Wednesday), be SURE to come to this party — it’s gonna be SICK! I went last year, and I had one of the best times of my LIFE (and that’s saying a LOT!). This parade grows every year, and will soon be on par with Mardi Gras or the Love Parade…I’m telling you, it is SICK. They roll out all these Burning Man art cars, which drive the parade route as floats, and there are fire spinners and stilt walkers and all kinds of amazing costumes (this is a city known for costumes; of COURSE we have the baddest ass costumes in the USA!). The parade will end at a block party just off Fremont Street, where the Dancetronauts will perform and all kinds of merriment will take place. If you’re not from here, Vegas usually has fantastic weather at that time of year, so what better place to spend the holiday than here?? COME ONE, COME ALL…SEE YOU THERE!!!

Incidentally, if you’re wondering about the random-ass photo I posted to the left…I just the other day discovered the “Other” folder in my Facebook messages. I didn’t realize that if someone sends you a message and they are not already your “friend,” it gets filed in this weird sub-folder and you never even know you got it!!! I went in there and it was like a time capsule — I had ALL KINDS of fan mail, party invites (including one to party with the real Dos Equiz Most Interesting Man in the World, supposedly) and other assorted offers (including one to shrink and eat some guy, haha)…all dating back as far as 2010!!! WTF, if you emailed me and I never answered you, I apologize — I just didn’t know this folder EXISTED! Fuck, one more thing to check every day, I guess…but meanwhile, someone had sent me the above photo, from a gig I did back in June as the Pool Diva at the Tropicana pool.

Now lastly, I also FINALLY got around to converting my guest bedroom in to a walk-in closet. Ever since I moved into this new house, I’ve been dissatisfied with the teeny-tiny 1943-era closets…so I finally just took the plunge and jettisoned my guest bed (on loan to my roommate) and put a futon in my office, for any visitors to sleep on. Then I turned the entire room into a sort of boudoir, with allllll my wigs, hats, shoes, costumes and makeup all in one place. NICE! I wanted one of those old-school Hollywood vanity mirrors, with the lights all around it, but I was trying to do this on the cheap, yo. So I got a $14 mirror at Savers, and strung an $8 string of giant white Christmas lights around it!! It works GREAT!!! Total cost of this project to date:

• $100 vanity desk, purchased on craigslist
• $90 futon, purchased on craigslist
• $50 freestanding closet device, from casa.com (it arrived badly damaged, so they refunded me 50% of the $100 original price)
• $14 mirror
• $8 lights

total spent: $262. Not bad! I’m still not quite finished organizing it, but when it’s all done, I will post a video tour online, so you can see it for yourself! I also need to make a video of my playing my autoharp, which an awesome friend of mine finally tuned for me, and which sounds BEAUTIFUL! Any song requests??????