Wonderhussy

I’m leaving for Burning Man tomorrow, and my house looks like Santa’s fucking Workshop: Space Priestess helmet in progress, champagne-pissing-dick just finished, LED-lighted Electric Vagina to be continued….I’m in the middle of a million projects! AND I’m making last-minute improvements to my fabulous vintage trailer, which is finally finished — IT’S CRUNCHTIME!!!!

With the creative jizzstorm going on all around me, you’d think I’d be smart enough to tune out the rest of the world…if only for a few weeks. Alas, not me! Though I knew I needed to buckle down and get to work on these projects, the so-called “Real World” kept banging on my door.

I mean, some calls you just HAVE to answer — like when your favorite porn casting director texts you “Hey are you available to be an extra next Monday?” How can you say no to that??

I’ve been dabbling as a background extra in porn movies for a couple of years now, and it’s easy money. Not GREAT money (they generally pay $100), but easy — and fun. You may recall my past exploits as an extra…and if so, you may understand why I dropped everything to say yes. Sure, I was ankle-deep in my Space Twat Suit — but ca$h is CA$H!

From past experience, I was fairly certain it would be an easy $100 — 3-4 hours tops, then I could go home and resume working on my Electric Vagina before heading out to the desert that night for the big Perseid meteor shower, which I had made plans to check out under the influence of hallucinogens with a good friend. And, I really needed to replenish my coffers after my summer roadtrip — the old WonderBank was getting low 🙁

So, I looked over the script, ascertained what it was that they wanted me to wear (I was playing the sister-in-law to a bride-to-be who gets cold feet last minute, and ends up fucking the tailor who came over to alter her wedding dress)…and then headed over to an anonymous suburban house, in an anonymous suburban cul-de-sac, for the shoot. Thankfully, my brainiac computer-programmer younger sister had just donated a bunch of her old clothes to me…and in that bag was just the right dress for this role. Yay!! I’m sure she never expected her hand-me-downs to be featured in porn…but hey. Life is strange that way!

Anyway, the shoot started out pretty much like any other: me and the other female extra sat around waiting for our scene, while the rest of the crew scurried about getting shit done. Not long after I arrived onset, lunch was served — catered from a Mediterranean kabob place! In my past experiences, lunch on these porn sets has always been pizza…but apparently this time, one of the crew stood up and demanded kabobs. YASSSS! I had been on a vegan/vegetarian kick for about a week, but all this free roasted lamb, pork, beef and chicken knocked me right the fuck off the wagon, and I totally beasted on it….probably to my own embarrassment. But I mean…really??? Who the hell orders hummus and kabobs on a porn set?! It seems like the worst food ever for people who are about to engage in intimate activity!!!

Well whatever — *I’m* not being paid to fuck anyone; I’ll eat as much stinky, gassy food as I like! 😀 Which I did…..and then sat around allllll afternoon as the deceptively simple script was brought to life.

Now, this script really was straightforward: girl meets boy, girl freaks out about boy’s dick being the ONLY dick she will ever get for the rest of her life, NEW boy brings wedding dress over to girl’s house to be altered before her wedding, girl invites new boy back into her bedroom for a “private” fitting, girl sucks off new boy, and then new boy crawls up underneath girl’s taffeta underskirts to eat her out while girl’s nosy sisters-in-law (me and my fellow extra) come barging in and ruin everything. Easy-peasy, cut-and-dry — right?? I’d be home working on my Electric Vagina by 3pm! Right???

Not so much!

We all did what the script called for, but there was one small detail holding us back: the male lead in this film, an adorably geeky young beanpole relatively new to the scene, was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of shooting…so to speak. Now to be fair, this kid resembled nothing so much as a willow sapling with a Sequoia branch grafted on to it mid-trunk — he had the most ginormous penis I’d ever seen! No wonder he was having a tough time; all the blood in his entire circulatory system must have been going to feed that beast! It’s a wonder he didn’t keel over right in the middle of the room!!!

Anyway we were all pros; we politely took smoking breaks and/or went out back to check our cellphones while the male lead wrestled with his sleeping serpent. The shoot chugged along in that way until about 8 hours in; by then, most of us were ready to get the fuck out of there! As mentioned, I had a hot date with a friend to head out to drink mushroom tea and watch the Perseid meteor shower; I was trying to get the fuck out of that cul-de-sac and into the desert!!!

Thankfully, at the 8-hour mark the director finally decided to cut his losses: despite the fact that the male lead had been unable to consummate the scene, a propmaster stepped in with a few squirts of whitish Cetaphil face lotion, and the final scenes were shot; the male lead was paid a kill fee for at least trying, the female lead was released in time to make her flight back to L.A. (most of the cast and crew were from L.A, only working in Vegas to avoid the mandatory condom law), and the rest of us were paid and released to go home. I think the lead actors had to come back out the following day to try and finish the scene…but whatever; my part was finished, and I had bigger fish to fry.

As mentioned, I had plans that night to watch the Perseid meteor shower out in the desert; this was said to be one of the best meteor showers of the century, so I really felt I shouldn’t miss it. My friend Jag had invited me to go out to the Tecopa mudhole with him; we’d have some drinks, sip shroom tea, swim in the mudhole and then float around in the Milky Way. Far out!!!

So I packed up my toothbrush, pillow and a blankie, and headed out to the desert with Jag. We had brewed the tea at my house, before leaving Vegas, but hadn’t drunk it yet; Jag wasn’t sure he wanted to, since he’d lost his wallet earlier in the evening, and though the wallet itself had been returned, the $400 cash he’d had inside it was gone 🙁 So now he was afraid shrooms might intensify his gloom.

Thankfully, I convinced him otherwise. We drank the tea just as we were cresting the summit into the valley where Tecopa lies huddled in the middle of a vast desert moonscape…then saddled up a couple of meteors and blasted off into space!!!

Actually, it was more like we were Space Pioneers, driving a Conestoga Space Wagon through the Space Desert on a foreign planet we were colonizing: we took the back roads into town, dirt roads, where we could turn off the headlights and drive into nothingness, with weird space music playing on the satellite radio. Far out!!! We stopped at the little concrete-lined bathtub-sized soak, huddled in a grove of palm trees in the moonlight like a secret oracle, but the water temps there weren’t hot enough for this unseasonably cool summer night — crazily, it was only about 80 degrees that night, which is not warm enough for me to soak in anything but the hottest water. Like the mudhole!

So we continued on up the road, to the natural marshy pond northwest of town where a drugged-out hippie can get naked, plop her ass into a donut-shaped pool floaty….and then just drift in the magical, warm healing waters of the hot spring, baked out of her mind, literally swimming in the vastness of the Milky Way overhead. IT WAS FABULOUS!!!!!

Jag and I laid out our towels and blankies on the rocky, miserable shoreline beside the hot spring, avoiding another group of star-gazing bros who had come out to watch the show through a telescope, and just soaked it all in. It was incredible!!! Despite us only being about 90 minutes outside Vegas, we were far enough from the urban sprawl and its light pollution to where the stars were really out of this world! We saw meteors every 30 seconds or so — non-stop! It was really one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen!

Despite this being August in Death Valley, it got downright chilly overnight (!!), and Jag had to walk back down the 1/4-mile trail to his truck to get a sleeping bag to cover us; he thought about getting an air mattress too, but high as we were, it didn’t seem necessary; the stars were so fucking amazing!! The Milky Way was dense as an undersea kelp forest, with little Space Dolphin meteors frolicking throughout, and we just laid there on our backs, looking for Space Mermaids, drinking it all in. I’ve never seen anything like it!!

Alas………..once the shrooms wore off, the ground proved to be extremely lumpy and uneven, and I suffered an exceptionally uneasy few hours’ quasi-rest before the dawn light finally woke me. I was stiff and hungover and pissy from poor sleep…but OMG!! What a fantastic landscape to wake up to.

The Tecopa mudhole lies at the bottom of a vast, totally desolate, barren moonscape-like valley, all bleak, muted shades of browns and grays. It looks totally amazing at sunrise! The magic of it all roused me from my pissy half-slumber, and I plopped my ass back in the donut-shaped pool floaty to watch the desert turn to gold. Meanwhile, another couple was camped just down the way from us….and it turned out to be two other Burning Man habitués we knew from Vegas. Small world! The guy came over to chat, his naked blonde companion swigging a bottled margarita in the warm rays of dawn. Hippies!

Once the fierce desert summer sun started to come back up, our time in Tecopa was limited — it’s hotter than Satan’s ballsack out there from May-October, so the fact that we were able to spend such a pleasant night at the mudhole (and needed a sleeping bag, no less) was really a wonderful blessing. We quit while we were ahead, loading all our gear into Jag’s car and heading over to Shosone for some coffee and breakfast before cruising back to Vegas.

In Shoshone we skipped the Crowbar, opting instead for coffee and a date-nut muffin from the Chas. Brown convenience market, which we enjoyed while sitting out back watching the resident Mojave desert tortoises blunder around their enclosure looking for treats. It was a fantastic way to start a summer morning with little sleep; despite my exhaustion, the adrenaline of the past day’s and night’s events, and now this morning’s wonders, got me going better than any nutritionally balanced breakfast 😀 Talk about your LIFE cereal!!!!

Anyway, despite my lack of sleep, I now felt fortified and invigorated enough to cruise back to Vegas and resume tackling the mountain of preparations I had before me for Burning Man. It was a strange and wonderful 24 hours….but I have a feeling it was not the strangest I will see before summer’s end 😀