Wonderhussy’s Top 10 Adventures of 2014

the vapors

the vapors

Since my shroom-fueled street jamboree at San Francisco’s Santacon, it’s been a mellow last couple of weeks. I’m not much of a winter gal to begin with, and to make matters worse I was holed up at my mom’s house…a cozy little cabin in the redwoods, up near the Russian River in Northern California.

I always get bogged down in lazy mode when I stay at my mom’s, and I think I figured out why. Like I said, her house is in the middle of a deep, dark, primeval rainforest — in the winter, everything is

 

haven't rolled in so long, I'm starting to grow moss

My stone hasn’t rolled in so long, it’s starting to gather moss. Pic by my sis!

damp and drizzly and dripping with moss, and the woods are enshrouded in a thick misma of foggy mist that permeates your brain like a bad case of the Victorian vapors, numbing and lulling you into a pleasantly somnambulant state where all you want to do is sit by the fire and read. Ack!!!

At first, I tried to fight off the vapors by going hiking and adventuring around the area with my sister, who’s been living in my mom’s guest cabin until she figures out what she wants to do. But she was also dog sitting for her soon-to-be ex-husband while he travels to Israel, and for whatever reason they don’t allow dogs in many of the area parks, so we couldn’t go many places. BOOOOO!

 

a labor of love

a labor of love

Oh, well — since I was basically trapped in a cabin in the woods with nothing to do, I finally had the time to finish this present I’d been trying to make my mom for awhile now: a miniature replica of her cabin, that she could keep out in her garden like one of those kitschy garden gnome cottages. My mom has wanted to live in a cabin in the forest her entire life, and now that she finally realized her dream, I wanted her to have a memento of it in case she gets tired of the vapors and ends up moving.

a gingerbread Rummelsnuff

I also baked this gingerbread Rummelsnuff (rest of cookies by my sis)

I got the idea back when I worked that home & garden show in April or whenever it was — it took me that long to get it together! But I finally went to Michaels and got some balsa wood, craft glue and shellac, and spent many rainy/misty afternoons working on it in my sister’s cabin down the hill. It actually came out pretty good, and my mom loved it 🙂

Anyway, the rain and mist finally broke in time for Christmas, so we were able to have a pretty good time and even have a bonfire/picnic on the beach the day after the holiday. But despite my best efforts, I was never able to round up anything exciting to do on New Year’s Eve — I personally despise NYE and always have, but every year there’s this stupid pressure to come up with something amazing to do. In the past, I’ve usually worked one job or another…but this year I was off, so I thought I might be able to scare up some kinda crazy midwinter adventure involving mushrooms, astronauts, a hot spring, a dry lake bed or some monkeys and elephants or something. Alas, no dice — the only stuff I found was the usual dumb ass parties and nightclub b.s.

my rib at the moment of cracking

my rib at the moment of cracking

So I ended up just heading back to Vegas, where at least I might be able to find a gig and make some coin off other peoples’ sentimentality. On the way back, I decided to attempt a three day fast — I’d read somewhere that doing so resets your immune system, with the bonus side effect of shedding unwanted Christmas cookie flab. I ended up only making it 37 hours, though 🙁 But on the plus side, I did manage to finally get back to the gym and lift weights — I’d been holding off since I cracked my rib wrestling (see above….shudder), but I got checked out by the doctor and she gave me the go-ahead (and confirmed that my rib did indeed appear to be cracked. NO MORE WRESTLING!!!).

So anyhoo, back in Vegas I hit up Facebook and Craigslist, looking for a New Year’s Eve gig. It’s pretty easy to find decent-paying work on NYE here in Vegas, since so many assholes bring their cash to town and the casinos roll it all out for their biggest gamblers with lavish, excessive parties, and I ended up getting a gig spinning cotton candy at one such party, at a very upscale hotel.

spinning

spinning

In fact, I’m actually writing this on my break at that gig — I had to come down here early in the afternoon to practice spinning cotton candy, but then they gave us a 4-hour break before the party actually starts, and traffic is such a clusterfuck that it’s easier to just stay here at the hotel. So far, though, the gig has been amazing! I have long been obsessed with cotton candy; back in the day, my friend Turquoise had a cotton candy machine that he borrowed from a dentist, who had gotten it as payment for some dental work he did for a broke carny. Turquoise and I ended up hosting this fabulous cotton candy party where everyone dressed all in pink, and we picked the guests up at a local park, blindfolding them and loading them into a van so they wouldn’t know where we were taking them. The party location was actually the local Mormon church (Turquoise and the owner of the cotton candy machine were in the same Mormon ward), and the party was a real rager until the bishop of the church showed up and busted it, kicking us out 🙁 But what a great memory!!

Aaaaaaanyhoo, now I’m sitting here in a back hallway of a douchey Vegas casino, reflecting on the sad fact that for once in my life, I FAILED at scoring an adventure. How is this even possible?!?! Adventure usually finds me!! So while I’m sitting here stewing, I decided to look back at 2014, and come up with a shortlist of the most amazing adventures in a year filled with amazing adventure! It was tough to whittle it down to just 10, in fact…I had leave a bunch of stuff out.

jamboree

Jamming in Jack Kerouac Alley, in North Beach

10. Santacon!

I know it just happened the other week, but I’m telling you… that was one of the most amazing parties I’ve ever been to!!! I won’t dwell on it though, since I just wrote about it not long ago. Good times!

 

 

Clowns

Clowns

9. The Clown Motel!!!

Back in September I took a mini road trip into the darkest depths of central Nevada with my grouchy lady friend Ninotchka. We visited the World’s Meanest Bartender in Goldfield, stopped in at an abandoned brothel near Lida, and then spent the night HERE, at this fabulously creepy place in Tonopah!

Read more about it here.

 

 

 

bikers

Hi mom!

8. Slumming with Bullet and Blondie at the Reno Bike Rally!

My friend Blondie invited me up to Reno to work this bikini bike wash with her and another chick, who turned out to be a midget redneck stripper who’d fallen on her head at the club one night, turning her into a raging bipolar maniac with a severe drinking problem, an openly carried (and fully loaded) pistol on the hip of her Daisy Dukes, and a propensity for “ruckussin’.” The bike wash ended up getting rained out…but Blondie and I figured out a way to rake it in anyway, dancing on this bar in downtown Reno…so it was all OK.

Read more here.

 

pololu

Hiking in Pololu Valley, on the Kona coast

7. The Iron Man Triathlon!

The triathlon itself was bizarrely entertaining, but the rest of my time in Hawaii as the guest of Dr. Who was equally amazing!! Hiking, snorkeling, hobnobbing with elite sports-medicine doctors and their wives, carrying vomiting Frenchmen around on stretchers…surreal!

 

boozy fun!

The Empress and I!

6. Kayaking with the Empress!!

The last person on earth I would have expected to join my hippie friends and I on a shroomy excursion down the Colorado River was The Baroness — a legendary busty, boozy party girl who usually never even gets up before noon, let alone kayak down a river while sanitizing a busted toe with Old Crow whiskey. That bitch is truly badass! We camped out on the beach by the Arizona Hot Springs, scarred a troop of Boy Scouts for life, and washed it all down with Crowconut lattes. One of the best adventures of the year, for SURE!!! Read more here.

hmmph!

hmmph!

5. The Jack Johnson Affair!

Back in June, this traveling musician who read my blog invited me to meet up with him at some hot springs in the desert. He turned out to be cool and very handsome, and relentlessly campaigned to get in my pants (which is why I insisted on sleeping outside his van, as in the photo). I resisted him awhile, then finally caved — and then he blew me off anyway, informing me that his “open relationship” was really a serious relationship. Lesson learned….Hmmmph!  Read more here and here.

brrrr

brrrr

4. Freezing my balls off with my frenemy, Alex!

Earlier in the year, I met a fellow adventurer named Alex who shares my love of mushrooms, the desert and hot springs. We went on a few adventures together, but since he was a terrible alcoholic at the time, they always turned into us getting into some kind of crazy horrible fight — as when he tricked me into camping out at Mammoth Lakes, in the snow!!! I almost froze my balls off, but it was worth it — soaking in a hot spring as snowflakes fall all around you is amazing! Just remember to keep your hat on, or you’ll have to sleep with freezing, wet hair 🙁

Read more here.

 

puertocitos hot springs

Puertocitos hot springs

3. Burying my drugs in the desert while I visit Mexico!!

In the midst of my Jack Johnson debacle, I arranged to meet up with my sis down in Baja California, where we visited these amazing coastal hot springs in Puertocitos. But before crossing the border, I buried a little stash of weed and shrooms in Brawley, CA so that we could pick them up on our way back into the U.S., for the next stop on our trip, at Deep Creek Hot Springs. Read more here.

the disco ball by jonathan

the disco ball
by jonathan

2. The Dong and the Disco Ball!

Burning Man is always a fun time, but this year was even better because I ended up getting my period. Instead of letting it ruin my party, I tied a disco ball to my tampon string and went around freaking everyone out and making new friends! Plus, I had also just come into a huge bag full of rubber dongs and dildos, and I handed those out like candy on Halloween. FUN!!! Read more here.

Breakfast with Kapt'n Rummelsnuff at the Cat Ranch

Breakfast with Kapt’n Rummelsnuff at the Cat Ranch

1. Rummelsnuff!!!!

Back in March, I went out to Wonder Valley, CA to party with some German artist friends at their crazy desert compound…and there I met this amazing electro-pogo singer named Kapt’n Rummelsnuff! I caught his show at the local dive bar, and then my sis and I helped him make his new music video, in which we feature as interpretive dancers. FAR OUT!!! Read more here.

 

So anyway, it’s gonna be pretty fuckin’ tough for 2015 to live up to all that………but you can count on one thing: I’M GONNA TRY MY DAMNDEST!!!!

See you next year 🙂

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About wonderhussy

I am a foul-mouthed, flat-chested bon vivant and adventuress who likes to curse, drink, smoke and run around nude, and I refuse to kow-tow to the bourgeois moral code of the day. I’ve lived in Vegas over ten years, and have a few stories to tell. I roll around town in a truck stocked with a Breathalyzer and a swizzle stick, a spare pair of panties and two stun guns. Don’t fuck with me!
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22 Responses to Wonderhussy’s Top 10 Adventures of 2014

  1. Big Pauly says:

    Happy New Year, WH. Take it easy on those ribs until they heal!

  2. Nightvisionrn says:

    An epic 2014. Hoping 2015 brings you even greater adventures!

  3. greg says:

    I have to say that I admire you, to be comfortable enough to just go do some of the stuff you do is awesome, too many people spend their lives having wants and I wishes, things they wish they had done or want to do but never will. Of course the trade off (if you feel it is) is the vagabond life makes serious relationships difficult to maintain, however I think anyone you were seeing would be an impediment to your spontaneity. I sure hope you’re keeping a detailed journal and write a book at some point. You are to be commended and copied by anyone who wants to “live”. I do have one question, don’t you ever worry about putting yourself in a position with someone you don’t really know that could end badly? Even carrying a gun or mace being alone with someone in an abandoned place can be dangerous, even as awesome as you are.

    • wonderhussy says:

      Thanks!! I don’t ever worry about putting myself in a weird situation…I feel like a life lived in fear is no life for me. I’ll take a few chances here and there in the name of adventure…but that being said, I try to use common sense and always keep my wits about me (even when shrooming). But realistically, I don’t typically just run off to abandoned places with strangers…it’s usually someone I know already, if only tangentially.

  4. Porkchop says:

    Its strange, recently I’ve been feeling this asexual vibe when reading your stuff. Not to be crude, but for some reason your pussy seems (literally) desert dry.

    Side note – do you write any fiction?

    • wonderhussy says:

      It’s true, as I’ve mentioned a few times in this blog, I am mostly asexual! It’s may be due to low libido… or it may just be that I’m attracted to very few guys. But I do have vaginal secretions…and plenty of them, so your crude assumption is incorrect!

      • Porkchop says:

        Yeh, how do people react to you (sexually) in real life?

        Don’t get me wrong – I used to see you as a sexy chick. However, right now, its almost like you are a sentient sex doll.

        Maybe you just don’t tell us they whole story (completely understandable). An example being that Hawaii trip. You didn’t fuck that dude?

        • wonderhussy says:

          No….he never made a move, so I assumed he wasn’t interested! I could have gone either way…he’s cool, but I was just as happy just being friends.
          Sexy is my shtick to make a living. In reality I’m fairly sexless. I don’t seem to have problems in my day to day life, other than sometimes people assume I’m a dumbass because of how I present myself. But people who really know me, know that’s not the case.

          • Porkchop says:

            Regarding your pictures, the shtick seems more sexuality/aesthetic rather than “sexy.” Seeing the Philly Phanatic does make me feel a type of way, so maybe in one of your convention get ups.

            Aren’t you Wonderhussy – the foul mouthed, flat chested, bon vivant? MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!

          • wonderhussy says:

            yeah, but I’m still afraid of rejection :/

  5. Hussar 4 Hussies says:

    The model cabin is soo cool, I like the little gnome in the front, and how did you do the windows? Was this a kit or did you just wing it? It is very well displayed and just so unique, how would we ever know you are so talented with your motor skills as there is allot the model says about how you think from original concept, mental template, to plan of action, gathering your supplies, and final skills, the execution to make a 3-D representation of an actual habitation structure of your dear mother, and for Christmas too, aww I think I see a tear in my eye…

    Well Done Wonder Hussy, Well Done!

    Cheers

  6. wonderhussy says:

    LOL, thank you!!! I made the windows out of textured plastic that I cut from the cover of one of those folders you use to present a report. I painted them yellow on the inside so that the light would have a warmer feel. Glad you appreciated my artistry!

  7. John Doughnut says:

    Sure to make your top 10 in 2015 IF your lucky enough as the road is closed about 6 months each year.
    The drive https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-CMANb97uA .
    The site to check if the road is open or not http://www.fs.usda.gov/recmain/lpnf/recreation , see Big Caliente day use (camping is near by)
    If you don’t know the DETAILED route to get there, expect to get lost . possibly forever as locals don’t even know about them .
    The springs ;
    Little Caliente (sulfur springs , 4×4 only) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OieWd0Ba0o
    Big Caliente (non sulfur springs , drive/walk up) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTLV9waW0VI

    Jon aka Dave
    4×420 Jeep
    hot spring freak
    J Tree , Ca

    • wonderhussy says:

      Holy cannoli, someone was JUST telling me about these springs!! They’re definitely on my to-do list…I guess this spring or summer!

      • John Donut says:

        An option to driving in if your ready to go and the gate at the divide is locked (***disclaimer*** do NOT attempt this if you cant hack it)
        My experience , I’d called and the Ranger station had said the gate was open so I trucked up but alas the gate was locked. I figured it was possibly a mix up OR Warren just hadn’t come to unlock it yet , either way I was goin soakin in the mornin. I had been told it was 10 miles from the gate and had no reason to double check it as I had only driven it in the past. After a good sleep I packed fruit and probably an energy bar and water , put on my best gear and started the hike , the next day I drove in and clocked the mileage at 11 miles each way & the reason I mention it is because a 22 mile hike can seem a little more strenuous than a 20 miler. Anyhoo the 1st 5 or so miles are down hill which means the last 5 are UP. Made it down in around 3 hrs , soaked and napped for about 4 , snacked some high energy ,then hiked out . A near miss with a rattler and 5 hrs later found me back at the rig. The gate opened the following morning but it can be hiked into year round , just no vehicles if the gate is locked.
        If you wanna hike it lemme know .

        • wonderhussy says:

          I absolutely want to hike it! I can handle 22 miles with rest/soak in between, no problem!

          • John Donut says:

            I’m ready , spur of the moment for the next 2 weeks +/- then not again until April.
            If you hitch a ride on someone’s airplane to Josh or Goleta (Santa Barbara) , I’ll pick you up & there’s at least 30 rideshares back to Vegas on Craigslist.

  8. wonderhussy says:

    I’m working the next two weeks…so April it is!

  9. TheMTNman says:

    Porkchop’s thread made me want to reply.

    Because however long I’ve been reading your stuff here, you have mentioned enough times your sex drive. And then that whole Jack Johnson era gave *ME* a light-bulb moment, if not you.

    That your sexuality is just fine. It’s just that your MIND needs to be stimulated as much (or more) than anything else. And the reality is that 98% of people are stupid at a level that’s almost impossible to believe. It takes most men decades to even begin to grow out of the “sniffin for puss” phase, let alone if they can form a coherent thought if they mature past that.

    So because you’re not a walking prOn fantasy, jamming dildos in every orafice just because you scored a bunch of them, does that mean you’re “asexual?” I don’t think so.

    I just think the part of your brain that controls your sex drive works on a higher level. And, for better or worse, it takes a lot more to stimulate such a thing.

    Maybe my observation comes from wanting more for you than just some mouth-breathing jock dumbass, which is normally the type of douchbag hot girls like you go for. So.. maybe you at least realize jocky-douchy doesn’t do it for you… and it’s just a statistics fact that there are probably only 43 guys in the entire Country that would flip your switch.

    I don’t think that makes you asexual. I think it makes you special.

    Which we already knew, right? ;^)

  10. wonderhussy says:

    Wow, what a thoughtful comment! I think you’re maybe right…but the fact remains that even if I DID find a guy I was sexually attracted to, I’d probably still get bored of having sex with him after a few months. I’m just not that into it!!
    And P.S….I would NEVER go for a dumb ass Nick!!!

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