THE VAGINA INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX: Confessions of a Pussmonger

 

Bliss Dance, by Marco Cochrane

Bliss Dance, by Marco Cochrane

A new “park” just opened in Vegas. But in true Vegas fashion, there’s little greenery — just a concrete expanse paved with chain eateries and hi-fructose corn syrup, designed to funnel spendy schmucks into a new cash-cow with a giant, glowing vagina looming overhead.

But wait, this latest vagina is actually Art: a 40′ statue of a nude woman first exhibited at Burning Man 2010 called “Bliss Dance,” said to represent femininity at its free-est. Ever the hater, I couldn’t stand the fuckin’ thing back in ’10 at Burning Man (T&A in the guise of female empowerment…YAWN), and now that it towers over hordes of philandering middle-management Billy Joel fans and drunken frat boys, I find it even more tiresome. I understand that the artist built it with lofty ideals about reclaiming femininity without fear, but its current setting robs it of any intended significance. Here in Vegas, it’s just another giant, glowing Pussy For Sale.

Pussy runs this town Photo: Eric Minh Swenson

Pussy runs this town
Photo: Eric Minh Swenson

As a pussmonger myself, I know a little bit about the matter. Pussy — or the promise thereof — is big fucking business in Vegas (as it is the world over — but one of the things I love about Vegas is its transparency; we don’t even pretend). And I make no bones about it: I make my living selling pussy! Maybe not the actual pussy itself, but the dream of it — as a nude model, I flaunt my pudenda to all and sundry, for a price. And I have very little patience for women who shame me for it.

These are actual BILLBOARDS in Vegas!

These are actual BILLBOARDS in Vegas!

The fact is, I am far from alone in my pussmongering. All I have to do is look around me at the gym — I’m surrounded by women in huffing, puffing, sweating pursuit of a tight pussy (and the rest of the pussy life-support system). Why shame each other, gals? We’re all in this together! The truth is, few of us are using our college degrees to make a living; most of us have chosen to use our bodies, instead. So let’s stop judging each other.

Photo: Shutterbug Studio

Photo: Shutterbug Studio

“Now wait,” I can hear some self-righteous balloon-breasted service-bot saying, “I’m a bottle waitress, not a prostitute.” Don’t kid yourself, sister! If you’re working for tips anywhere on the Strip, you’re selling puss, just like the rest of us. We are all part of the Vegas Vagina Industrial Complex…some of us are just coyer about it than others. And since I have very little tolerance for coy, I’m here today to put it all out in the open. So to speak.

After years of wading ass-deep in the murky pheromones of the Vegas tourist economy, I have classified the five main subtypes of pussmongers in town. Don’t deny it — you know it’s true!!!!

 

Photo: the Explainer

Photo: the Explainer

  1. Hookers/Escorts

Out of all the subtypes, this class earns the highest respect from me because they operate basically without pretense: pussy for sale, cash money accepted. I have zero sympathy for thieves and scammers, and minimal sympathy for those beholden to pimps…but to the rest of the hardworking Vegas prostitutes, I salute you (I’m not technically sure the “honest hooker with the heart of gold” exists outside of Hollywood…but sheer numbers insist there must be at least a few).

Photo: Billy Ward

Photo: Billy Ward

2. Strippers

This class earns the second highest respect from me. Again, thieves and scammers aside, an honest stripper works her ass off — both physically and with her mental skills, such as they may be — by giving guys exactly what they want: the promise of pussy, up close and personal. Why shame a stripper for her work? She’s only doing what the rest of us do — just more openly. Whereas other women on this list cloak their pussmongering in bullshit…strippers are literally dangling their carrots right in front of his stick. I applaud such honesty.

*Note: I basically lump myself into this category, since the only difference in much of my modeling is the label of “art” plastered on the transaction. But realistically…there are tons of female artists, yet I can count the number of women who have hired me on half of one hand.

Photo: Stock

Photo: Stock

3. Showgirls/dancers/magician’s assistants/artsy bullshit

Any kind of female performer in a Strip show — not to be confused with a strip show, though there are in fact several Strip strip shows — is basically selling her pussy as well, and I don’t care how many years of jazz/tap/ballet you took to get there. They’ll kick your ass to the curb if you get too fat — and why do you think that is? So that Joe Sixpack from Rustbucket, Pennsylvania can fantasize about railing you instead of the tattooed manatee of a wife he’ll be drunkenly laboring over later that nite. Even if you’re not parading around topless with 50 pounds of rhinestones up your ass, your pussy is still being used to sell show tickets — SURPRISE! Even those artsy fucking Cirque shows have that number with the hard-bodied split-legged Russian on silks. And I’ll give you one guess as to what most guys are thinking when they see a 90 lb. Chinese acrobat with her ankles behind her head.

Buy this dumb shit!

Honk if you’re corny!

4. Promo/tradeshow models

This class is the worst in terms of judginess and denial, and their sour grapes stem from the fact that they don’t make anywhere near as much money as strippers and hookers. But, by golly, they’re nice girls working for an agency!! (Not that kind of agency!) All dolled up in Bebe’s sluttiest interpretation of corporate attire, using puss to lure Willy Loman and the rest of the lemmings into buying one shitty planned-obsolescent widget after another. Do you think they’d hire you if you didn’t have a vagina? Ask all them male tradeshow models how much work they book!

 

Photo: Pantyhose, L.A.

Photo: Pantyhose, L.A.

5. Casino employees: cocktail/bartender/dealer/etc.

Finally, the corporate-sanctioned cooze: casino employees. It seems like every bar, pool, blackjack pit and keno lounge on the Strip is staffed by pussy — although here at least it’s of varying vintage, as thanks to the Culinary Union they can’t always fire these broads once their juices run dry…which is why you get all these complaints about the cocktailsauri at Caesars Palace. Old pussy = ewwww = get thee to pasture, nag! But don’t worry, guys…the Vagina Industrial Complex is an efficient union-busting political machine as well. You won’t suffer for long!

me in college

me in college

Anyway, as a cog in the Complex, I’ve obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this. I didn’t intend to make a living using my vagina; I went to college and read a lot of books and made it all the way through pre-calculus before giving in and going the lazy route. Moving to Vegas seemed a no-brainer; this town, more than any other, is powered by puss. Literally! Without pussy (or the promise of it), Vegas probably wouldn’t exist — why else drive all the way to the middle of the desert to play poker with a bunch of balding sad sacks when you could do it in your own basement?

photo by Raymond Elstad

photo by Raymond Elstad

I made this point recently at the 12″ Inches of Sin IMMERSIVE art happening, where I was invited to perform as the Electric Vagina. In the past I’ve used my Electric Vagina to power drills, ice guns and blenders…but I can’t keep falling back on the same tired old shtick. No one likes a stale vagina — cocktailsaurus! It was time to devise something new. 

And the idea came to me: a literal representation of pussy power in Las Vegas — the famous neon sign itself, plugged into my crotch. Why not?!

Photo: Max Koo

Photo: Max Koo

Without pussy, the Strip would go dark in no time — no tits, no glitz; no gash…no flash.

Loosest slots in town?! Pussy has always been the most powerful money vacuum on the Strip.

Caveat castorinata!

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About wonderhussy

I am a foul-mouthed, flat-chested bon vivant and adventuress who likes to curse, drink, smoke and run around nude, and I refuse to kow-tow to the bourgeois moral code of the day. I’ve lived in Vegas over ten years, and have a few stories to tell. I roll around town in a truck stocked with a Breathalyzer and a swizzle stick, a spare pair of panties and two stun guns. Don’t fuck with me!
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46 Responses to THE VAGINA INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX: Confessions of a Pussmonger

  1. Joe DeCapua says:

    I love you Wonderhussy! Keep on writing. Friend of Gillian.

  2. Tom Van Tassel says:

    I love the stuff you are posting.

  3. mark says:

    Wow! Your best work (that I’ve read) to date. Worthy of Swift or Clemens.

  4. Suzy Creamcheese says:

    You tell it like it is. I love it!

  5. dan rich says:

    Wow! I’m still impressed by you. Keep it up.

  6. R says:

    I have to disagree with you. I kind of like Bliss Dance – at least in photographic form. It’s innocent of its uses and location. Because, isn’t all “successful” art eventually exploited for money? Aren’t all those hip, rebellious punk rock songs of my very early youth now being used to sell luxury cars and Caribbean cruises? Personally, I’m looking forward to the day when Serrano’s Piss Christ is used to sell McDonald’s lemonade. Also, perhaps part of your problem has less to do with the piece than with the forced interpretation. “Femininity at its free-est” is a bit of a yawner and seems to be directed as an apology to stick-up-the-butt people who find nudity “inappropriate.” I can see those “Gee shucks, thems is enlightened boobies”/Midwestern “It wasn’t intended to titillate” values coming across as insulting in a town full of workers #1 – #5.

    “the Vegas Vagina Industrial Complex” – haha, why they haven’t hired you to write the brochures, I’ll never know. Pussy Power to light the Welcome to Las Vegas sign = now that’s art!

    Well, you must have learned something in school since you’ve NEVER come across as an airhead or a dipshit in any way whatsoever. At the very least, you come across as well read with your fancy Latin phrases and Arthur Miller references.

    • wonderhussy says:

      Thanks! My beef with Bliss Dance has nothing to do with art being commercially exploited.
      My beef is that it’s BORING AS FUCK.

      My friend Otis said it best: “It does sort of perfectly combine all the “Look at me, I’m an enlightened evolved goddess” femme-hippie bullshit with all the “W00T TITTIES maybe if I pretend I’m a shaman and get her high enough she’ll let me fuck her” man-hippie bullshit.”

      • R says:

        Who knows, maybe if I saw it in person I’d think, “What a piece of crap!” This is entirely possible.

        Upon re-reading, the part where you said you didn’t like it at Burning Man either stood out. So, missing that is my fault for reading you too late at night. But the “femme-hippie bushtit” is part of the sentiment I was trying to convey in the second half of that first paragraph. Fear of the “male gaze” has changed the way people are “allowed” to discuss female nudity in art. Heaven forbid someone’s interpretation be, “That’s hot.”

  7. Joey says:

    Castorinata? Had to look that one up. Brilliant!

    I like how you sometimes challenge your readers.

    …and speaking of exploitation, I am all for equal rights for men and women to be topless in public, but I have always thought that the “Free the Nipple” campaign, disguised as an female empowerment movement, was actually obtaining the opposite result, with well-meaning young women being misguided for male viewing pleasure.

    • wonderhussy says:

      The unintended result of every mass-distributed image of a woman since the first Montgomery Ward catalog has been the same.
      The INTENDED result is what matters to me — that I don’t get a fine for not wearing a shirt.

  8. Peanut says:

    Your vagina is spectacular, and there will always be a market for quality.

  9. Wonderhussy says:

    It will eventually end up in the dumpster with all the other spoiled meats…but thanks!

  10. kimbermat says:

    Ah, but if sex wasn’t so puritanistically taboo, then it wouldn’t sell. And we wouldn’t have the Adventures of Wonderhussy to entertain us. So much as I abhore censorship in all its forms, it enables your experiences and our voyeurism.
    That statue is too Barbie body perfection to be a good representation of feminism.
    Keep up the good writes! And I’m still waiting for you to market your Wonderhussy merchandise. I dearly want to run around bum-fuck Ohio wearing a Wonderhussy ball cap! 🙂

  11. wonderhussy says:

    If you did that you would be my HERO!

  12. SleepingLion says:

    The lady doth protest too much.

    You’re too hard on yourself…and us. There’s nothing wrong with electric vaginas, or tight vaginas, or even an electric Billy Joel for that matter. Just messin’…your inner torment is our artistic revelry. Keep layering that nacre.

    I too had to look up “castorinatus.” Those books paid off!?

    You’re great!

  13. Michelle says:

    Hi Wonderhussy, i learned that you have experience on tickling gigs. Could you please share the whole story and photos of your tickling experience?? I am very interested in tickling video shoots!

  14. Lucy says:

    Hi wonderhussy! I love your articles on fetishes!! I understand that you did an experience on tickling video shoot! Could you please share your whole experience and photos?? I love tickling shoot! Please give some tips on tickling as well as being tickled! 😀

  15. Tender Billy says:

    Yeah we want to know all about the “tickling” stuff goddammit! Pull that feather duster out of your ass and hurry the fuck up!

  16. Todd Warriner says:

    HI

    You OK I haven’t seen you post anything in over a month.

    All The Best

    Todd

  17. Wonderhussy says:

    I know!!!! I’ve been so fucking busy working on restoring an old vintage trailer, preparing costumes for Burning Man, hustling photo shoots etc…no time to post. Sorry 🙁

  18. JC says:

    You’re such a perfect personification of that desert, Route 66, kooky, alternative Americana that I love so much but can’t adequately describe in words. Anyway, just wanted to express thanks because I don’t know of any other bloggers/purveyors of content that exude this aesthetic.

    Anyway, I’ll just be over here in Pennsylvania, surrounded by trees that cover up the beauty of the terrain like a curvaceous woman wearing a big, deciduous bathrobe.

  19. wonderhussy says:

    Hey now! I have a HUGE fluffy bathrobe that I enjoy wearing in the winter 🙂
    Thanks for your kind words!

  20. Dan says:

    100% spot on. LOL

  21. Mark DeCew says:

    Been away from your blog for a while, but never disappointed when I return. Someday I may actually complete my goal of reading EVERY Wonderhussy post, but for now I just dove back in in a kinda random spot while I anxiously await your latest Burning Man Adventure musings (a post about the playa back when first got me hooked on your missives). And just as Vegas knows how to use puss to sell, you have learned well how even using the word ‘vagina’ in a title creates click-bait for web crawlers. Hope your burn was searing SJW!

  22. Alex Summy says:

    Here’s what I can’t understand: why aren’t there cocktail waiters at casinos. I mean most of the people I see on the slots are women. The casinos I’ve been to in Maryland and West Virginia is 60% women 40% men. So why not put some muscular handsome guy in a tight fitting shirt and make the little old ladies happy? That said I think it’s terrible how far its gone in Vegas, I mean Oscar Goodman showed up for the BROADcasting event at some hotel in downtown Vegas (the Plaza I think). If the mayor of any town in the DC area or any county supervisor in the surrounding suburbs showed up for that, it would ruin his or her career. Local voters would not be offended by the sex, they would be offended by the sexism.

    • wonderhussy says:

      Well we have made a cottage industry out of sexism…can’t kill the goose that lays the golden egg! They did try cocktail waiters at the Rio…might still be a few.

  23. Charles Marik says:

    Awesome ! YOUR writing is amazing. I guess what I’m saying is that, I never expected it from you. After you’re a model !!!- Models aren’t smart ??? That’s why they are models…. I have watched your vlogs and now read your blogs and ……… Your blogs are better.. Your narrative on video is not as good Watch adamthe woo…

  24. Charles Marik says:

    Didn’t know if I ran out of room. Anguish you blogs are great !! But you blogs are even better… Keep up the awesome work…

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