Particles Confirmed as Higgs Bosoms

Randy Fosth/Shutterbug-Studio

Randy Fosth/Shutterbug-Studio

Las Vegas, NV — Using high-powered telescopes capable of magnifying at over 1000x, scientists in Nevada have announced with more than 99% certainty that they had identified the long-sought Higgs Bosoms.

Commonly referred to as “God Particles,” the Higgs Bosoms were identified on the body of Las Vegas resident Wonderhussy, a nude model previously believed to be completely flat-chested. But upon closer inspection with a number of high-powered devices at Groom Lake Research Facility, scientists noticed previously undetected elementary particles in the pectoral area.

A series of experiments conducted last year hadn’t collected enough data to say the particles were, for sure, Higgs Bosoms — the last undiscovered piece of the puzzle predicted by the Standard Model, the reigning theory of how standard nude models should be built.

S. Skalka

S. Skalka

The Standard Model defines a successful nude model as having long, flowing hair, a trim physique, neatly trimmed pubes, and ripe, full bosoms.  Wonderhussy boasts all these features save the last — yet somehow remains a successful model, which led scientists to question the validity of the long-held theory.

The theory was proven correct, however, after several successive tests on Wonderhussy’s chest area, which ultimately revealed the presence of tiny, subatomic particles with quantum properties consistent with that of typical bosoms. Under a high-powered microscope, these particles were even found to harden when blasted with cold air…leading scientists to announce Thursday that they had, indeed, identified the long-sought Higgs Bosoms.

“The preliminary results with the full 2012 data set are magnificent, and to me it is clear that we are dealing with Higgs Bosoms,” spokesperson Hugh Jass said in a statement.

by Michael Maze

Michael Maze

He did caution Ms. Hussy not to get too excited, however: “There’s no need to go buying a bra or anything. These Bosoms are not detectable by the naked eye, and need little if any support.”

“But she still has to cover them up in public,” he hastened to add. “And photos may not be posted on Facebook, nor used as an avatar on Model Mayhem. Higgs Bosoms may spell the universe’s doom in the distant future, and we don’t want our                                                                                                                                                                children seeing them.”



About wonderhussy

I am a foul-mouthed, flat-chested bon vivant and adventuress who likes to curse, drink, smoke and run around nude, and I refuse to kow-tow to the bourgeois moral code of the day. I’ve lived in Vegas over ten years, and have a few stories to tell. I roll around town in a truck stocked with a Breathalyzer and a swizzle stick, a spare pair of panties and two stun guns. Don’t fuck with me!
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10 Responses to Particles Confirmed as Higgs Bosoms

  1. Arron Moore says:

    You’re one of the greatest journalists of our time, thank you for being real!

  2. charlie says:

    What about the Higgs pubes?

  3. Ropes says:

    The things you go through in support of science. Good thing I have good eyes, those higgs bosons never managed to escape my observations.

  4. yourmomdotcom says:

    As a guy here in Vegas, and a itty bitty titty fan (what can I say, I like my women built for speed…) I’d like to say that, firstly, this was a very enjoyable read. But secondly, (and most importantly) please PLEASE do not get a ridiculous boob job.

    I’m sure you know this, but your UN-altered mams give you super-rare unicorn status in this town. I like your bits the way they are. You know, whatever that’s worth coming from some internet random.

  5. Conrad Flores says:

    I Love You. I am Your Biggest Fan!

  6. denzel wassilchalk says:

    C it is really not that hard 2 find me if u look uh itty tiny bit yellow poke U dot bikini

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