Oversized Novelty Checks and Bank Envelopes

By far the most fabulous thing that’s happened to me lately was, I won $500 from my credit union! A couple summers ago I was ass-deep in foreclosure proceedings, cursing the banks and marching around town with a rag-tag bunch of freaks and commies associated with the Occupy Las Vegas movement. Ah… memories.

Well, one of the ways they tried to stick it to the Man was by urging people to withdraw all their funds from the big banks and start using credit unions, instead. So like any good commie bitch, I did…and BOY, am I glad! My credit union (the fabulous OneNevada, which is available to anyone who lives, works or worships in Clark County, NV) started this competition on Twitter, to get more followers and increase their social media presence. Every day in the month of February they posted a different money-saving challenge, which you were supposed to take a photo of yourself doing and then Tweet it. At the end of the month, they randomly chose one person from the list of people who completed all the challenges, and awarded them $500.

I’m a cheap-ass, broke-ass hack anyway, so most of the challenges were things I’m already doing…so it wasn’t really that hard. Astonishingly, only something like ten people completed all the challenges…and as luck would have it, they drew my name out of the hat!!! You would have thought I’d won five THOUSAND dollars, the way I carried on.

The best part was, I had to go down to the corporate offices to pick up a giant oversized novelty check with my name on it, and take a photo with the President of the credit union so they could Tweet it out and stuff. Well, the girls in the social media department told me they had read this blog and “loved” it…but they didn’t want their stuffed-shirt President knowing they were about to give $500 to a Hussy, so they didn’t tell him my Twitter handle (@wonderhussy). As far as he knew, I was just Sarah Jane Woodall, some random local hag in a Peg Bundy outfit (it was my day off, and I was lounging….haha). If that poor man only knew who he was posing with — he’d have died! There goes his chances for any sort of elected political office, EVER. But, still….he’s all right in my book. That bastard Jamie Dimon sure as fuck never gave me $500, I’ll tell you that much!

Alas, however, not all my money has been handed to me that easily lately — I had to actually work for the rest of it! I did a grueling 9-hour photo shoot on the Strip one day, and then another evening I went out to Valley of Fire for a nudie shoot (take that, Park Ranger!). I also worked the ASD convention, for the same company that I worked the potsmokers’ convention for last month — SunshineJoy.com, the people behind those amazing 3-D tapestries. Unfortunately I wasn’t paid for any of these gigs with oversized novelty checks…but at least I was able to pose with this oversized novelty hookah!! I guess that’s better than nothing!

Agent 6I also did a scavenger hunt for VentureVegas.com, where I played a double agent and had to wear a wig and business suit for part of the game, then change back to normal for the rest. It was superfun, especially because it was a beautiful sunny day and I was stationed in front of the Bellagio fountains, which is one of the top people-watching spots in the world.   But even all that was work, ya know? Thankfully, I did score one gig recently that allowed me to earn cash while having fun & doing something I normally do, anyway — I finally booked a paid date on What’sYourPrice.com!!

I think I’ve written before about WhatsYourPrice — basically, it’s sort of a dating/sugar daddy site where you explicitly charge a certain amount of money to go on a date. Like hooking, only there’s supposedly no sex. Another model I worked with last month told me she does it all the time, and although she was enthusiastic, I was skeptical. It sounded reeeeally skeevy — but then I realized I have at least two friends, men from out of town, who have come to Vegas before and tried hiring someone just as dinner company. It never went well, because all they could find were escorts who either tried to rob them or were super skanky-looking…so I thought I’d go on WhatsYourPrice and market myself as a dinner companion. I made it explicitly clear in my profile that I was/am not looking for sex, romance or a sugar daddy, and that I am simply offering my services as a paid dinner companion/fount of information about Vegas. I can even class it up a little if you need a date for a corporate event, ya know?

Well, shocker, I haven’t been getting too many hits on that site. I get a lot of “winks,” which are like “pokes” on Facebook I guess….but WTF am I supposed to do about that? I’m not on there to wink, I’m there to make money. I’ve also gotten maybe 4 or 5 offers for a date, in the $100-200 range, but none of the guys have answered me back when I message them to accept. I was starting to think that site is strictly for time-wasting losers….when this man hired me to go hiking with him one afternoon!

To protect his identity, I won’t give too many details about him…but suffice it to say he was older, extensively educated, and a raging liberal. I guess he also happened to be pretty well-off, since he said he uses WhatsYourPrice fairly regularly…although I think it also has a lot to do with his interest in economics (seriously!). In any event, we met at a Starbucks, he gave me a bank envelope with $100 in it (next to oversized novelty checks, bank envelopes full of cash are my favorite way to get paid), and then we climbed into his bad ass Tesla Roadster for the trip up to the hiking trail. I’m not a car person, but that car was sick!! He offered to let me drive it (!!!) but I was too big a puss, afraid I’d wreck it, and I declined.

We hiked for a couple of hours and had a very enjoyable conversation about everything from cabbages to kings, and then he dropped me back off at the Starbucks and that was it. Fabulous!!! He did message me a few days later to say that he enjoyed the hike, and would like to do it again…although he only pays for novel experiences, so if I could find a girlfriend to come along he would pay her, but not me. I guess I should be offended by that, but I just  looked at it as an opportunity to make $50 — I’d take a 50% commission as pimp/madam/whatever, and split the take with my friend. I already found a girlfriend who’s willing to do it, so now I just have to figure out the logistics! I mean, why not get paid for something I enjoy doing anyway? It’s perfect hiking weather right now!

But anyway, what was really interesting was the feedback I got on Facebook about the outing: “Isn’t that escorting?” one of my girlfriends (who used to use SugarDaddy.com, incidentally) snarked cattily. What I’d like to know is, what’s so bad about being an escort? Though it’s not for me personally, I have no problem with prostitution — but I’m not even talking about sex; I just mean what’s wrong with being an escort? Is getting paid to hike/go to dinner/whatever so much more dishonorable than being paid to deal cards/carry drinks/take photos/write about shows? Seriously…WTF?!

Aaaaaaaaaanyhoo, lest you start to think I’m all about money and nothing else, rest assured I did plenty of stuff just for fun this week, too. I selflessly went back to my hoarder friend’s storage unit, to continue helping him clean out his junk so I can find that old photo of my ex-boss’s wife fucking a bulldog — although now my friend backtracked a little, and said “Well she’s not really fucking the dog…she’s on the bed, in lingerie, reaching for him.” WTF!!! Don’t tell me I’ve wasted hours of my life cleaning out this crap for something stupid like that!!! Still, I plan to keep helping him until I find it…mainly because he also promised me some more of his fabulous departed ballerina mother’s old costumes, ho ho!

I also visited a place I’ve been wanting to check out forever: the Italian-American Social Club, this faaaabulous old-school building on East Sahara where all the goombahs and their wives hang out/hung out back in the day. It used to be for dagos only, but now they opened it to the public and let a white-bread shiksa like me in. And it is exactly how you’re probably picturing it: fabulous!!! Flocked wallpaper, dim lighting, piano bar, cheesy banquet chairs, framed photos of Frank Sinatra et al. on the walls…you know!! In any event, it’s a fantastic spot for cocktails, and they also serve food…although I can’t vouch for the quality of the food, since I despise Italian food (it’s all carby cheesy meaty salty grossness…blecchhh). From what I could tell it seemed like pretty standard fare, if you’re into that kind of thing — meatballs, pasta, etc. 

Then another night I went and saw the incomparably fantastic musical Rock of Ages — you know, the one with all the ’80s heavy metal songs? Where they made some dumbass movie starring Tom “Dickweed” Cruise? Well, I never saw the movie, but I’m here to tell you that the live version is fabulous! Rather than bore you with the details, here’s a link to my Yelp! review of it. I’ll just quote the opening line: “Rock of Ages is like watching fireworks made of diamonds, jizz and Aqua Net explode in the night sky, while a choir of leather-clad angels pour sunshine joygasms into your ears, and the naked Thunderbirds fly by overhead, trailing clouds of cocaine and pure cane sugar.” Yes…it really is that good!

The best part about it is, I took as my date my roommate, who is a total ’80s metalhead: long blond hair, weightlifter, etc. He enjoyed it immensely, singing along to every single number (!!) and really just having a blast in general. But the best part was when the monstrously beautiful freak who played Stacee Jacks came out. This actor is amazing — tall, tanned, shredded to within an inch of his life, long blonde hair and a really creepy Ken-doll face. He looks like a sex doll come to life — AMAZING. My roommate immediately leaned in and started telling me every steroid/supplement/injection/hormone/whatever that guy was on. I was like, “Oh yeah? How do you know?!” “Oh I can tell,” my roommate answered matter-of-factly. “I can tell you within 99% percent certainty that he’s taking [prolactin/whatever/blahblahblah bodybuilder talk].” It was a riot — his eyes never left that guy the entire show. I think he has a man-crush! But anyway, that show is awesome
and I highly recommend it.

Speaking of high, I was finally able to make use of my medical marijuana card and score some clones — so now I can start growing my own! Thanks, OneNevada Credit Union!!! Talk about saving money — whereas now I have to shell out close to $60 for 1/8 oz. of medicine, soon I will be able to harvest my own stuff 🙂 I followed all the advice the guys at the dispensary gave me, and I must say these plants are already taking off. I named them Michelle and Renee, because those are two of the most fertile names I could think of — Michelle, after Michelle Duggar (the crazy quiverful Christian mom from “19 Kids and Counting”) and Renee after my Mormon friend’s mom, who had 5 kids and was very domestic. I’m hoping these names encourage the plants to grow big, strong and be bountiful. Lord knows I need it!!!!

And why do I need it, you ask? Because I still suffer terrible insomnia. And why do I suffer insomnia, you ask? Well, I think it has something to do with the fact that I do too many things in life, and find it hard to rest!! Take last night: I was exhausted from working til 3am, then only getting 5 hours’ sleep before going in to work the ASD convention…but it was St. Patty’s Day, and they were having a costumed Leprechaun pub crawl downtown and I just couldn’t refuse. So I went home from the convention, got costumed up, and went downtown…where I drank and carried on with a bunch of other bozos in green costumes til late at night. After a day like that, I’m simply too amped up to sleep without my special medicine 🙂

Now speaking of amped-up adventures…I’m always on the lookout for the next one, and I think I may have found it! This upcoming 4th of July, Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club is attempting to set the World’s Record for the largest topless skydive!!! Check out the flyer here. I’ve always been a huge pussy about skydiving, and never had the urge to do it….but topless skydiving??? I feel this is something I have to do. The only thing stopping me is, it costs $260…and I’m too cheap/broke to cough up the cash. So…if any anonymous benefactors want to pay my entry fee, let me know and I’ll do it. You can either contact me directly, or call Monica at (702) 795-3131…either way, I’ll write alllll about it and take lots of pictures, I promise!


Finally, if you can’t afford to sponsor my skydiving thing but you’d still like to help a sista out….you might consider voting for me in the Model Mayhem Pic of the Day contest tomorrow (3/19/13). You have to have a ModelMayhem profile to vote, but if you do…check it out! The pic at left is the one we submitted…it was the photographer’s idea. My friend Adam Sternberg runs an awesome and very informative photography blog at vegasphotographyblog.com, and he had the idea to do a photo incorporating every stale, cheese-ass amateur modeling motif you’ve ever seen. Girls with guns, girls in gas masks, girls with caution tape…etc. You know what I mean! All that dumb shit amateurs do, that they think is edgy and cool but is really tired as fuck. If you can, please stop by this link and cast your vote on 3/19:


I know it’s cheesy as fuck to harangue your friends into voting for you in some dumb contest, and I hate when chicks do that shit on Facebook and whatnot, but….this is, alas, the way Model Mayhem awards their Pic of the Day prize, and as fabulous as my portfolio is, I still don’t have one of these awards. (I prefer the way OneModelPlace awards their showcases — based on the decision of professional judges, as it should be.) Soo, if you can find it in your heart to vote for me, that would be fabulous! If not… whatevs!



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