2015 has barely begun, but so far….it’s looking a lot like last year. Unfortunately for my intellectual development (but fortunately for this blog), I haven’t matured much at all — though it’s barely two weeks into the new year, I’ve already been up to my same old tricks: boozing, smoking…and running around the desert naked. That’s right; though it’s only mid-January, with temps FAR below optimal…I already have two desert photo shoots in the can. So to speak!
You might think that January is a bit early in the season for that kind of thing, and guess what… you’d be right! Though Vegas is in the middle of the Mojave Desert, and gets something like 364 days of nuclear-grade sunshine a year, I’m here to tell you that it gets cold as fuck here in the winter — and even rains on occasion. But sometimes you just have to sack up and be miserable in the name of art….or in the name of paying the electric bill :/ Nude models can’t call in sick because of weather — it just doesn’t work that way. If someone hires you to recline seductively on a cactus….by god, you recline seductively on a cactus, weather be damned. We’re like the post office: neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds.
The first shoot of the year wasn’t bad, actually — a genial sci-fi enthusiast from Southern California hired me to go out to the desert with him and pose in the Princess Leia slave bikini costume one of my readers bought me awhile back. I had never gotten around to shooting any photos in that costume, because it was one of those cheapie deals where it looked way better on the website, but when it arrived, the plastic was all warped and fucked up…so I had sort of given up on it.
But this Star Wars fanboy had two lady friends with him, both of whom had brought their slave Leia bikini costumes as well…and he wanted all of us to pose together, like a sort of Charlie’s Angels of Slave Leias. So I had no choice — I busted out my trusty heat gun, which I had originally bought to make my electric vagina codpiece, and set about de-warping the plastic on my slave bikini. Guess what? It actually worked pretty well!
So I cruised out to the desert and met this jolly trio at one of my favorite locations, out near Lake Mead. They turned out to be super cool people — a group of backcountry hot springs enthusiasts from the Inland Empire who enjoy adventuring around the desert in their free time, stopping to pose for artsy nude photos here and there. My kind of people!
The only difference between us was, the three of them apparently have some kind of actual careers going on…so the two women were unable/unwilling to pose nude anywhere with even the slightest chance of being seen by passers-by, for fear of risking their livelihoods (I didn’t ask what they do, but it must be pretty important). Which is why I proposed shooting at this particular location, which is waaaaaaaaaay out in the desert at a spot that normally sees little traffic.
Alas, the day of our shoot was a Saturday, and it happened to be a warm, sunny day to boot — so there were quite a few tourists and hikers out there wandering around, which made the other two women pretty nervous. We had to poke around for quite a while before we found a spot secluded enough to meet their standards — they didn’t even want to pose in the slave bikinis anywhere within eyesight of anyone. But we finally did find a hidden spot, and commenced to pose for a number of artsy Triple Slave Leia photos. Talk about a jackpot!! It was enough to make Bitcoin spew from the meatus of nerds and geeks across the land…especially when we took off our bras and did topless shots! We must have looked like some whacked-out intergalactic 1960s Phil Spector-produced girl group, chained up in some dive titty cantina on Tatooine, forced to sing Brill building schlock to aliens and wookiees 24/7. Far out!!!
DOUBLEPLUS ALAS, however…though the shoot went well, and everyone was happy, because the others have actual careers and reputations to protect, none of these photos will ever see the light of day. I know — as titillating the sight of three topless Slave Leias cavorting around the desert sounds, you’ll just have to use your imagination, because I will never be able to post anything here. D’OH!!!!! A great disservice to geeks and fanboys the world over…so sorry!!!
Anyway, that was a great, fun shoot, and the very next day I was back out in the desert again — at the exact same location, in fact, shooting with this crazy Canadian who had hired me for a full day. He’d booked the shoot quite a while back, and at the time I’d acknowledged the fact that it would likely be freezing fucking c-c-cold…but I agreed to sack up and do it anyway, because a little thing like frostbite doesn’t stop Wonderhussy! And it certainly doesn’t stop a crazed artist from Canada!!
Either way, at first I thought I was gonna be lucky — the weather at the Leia shoot had been really nice and sunny, and almost balmy. But of course the morning of the all-day shoot dawned overcast, drizzly and miserable…perfect shooting weather 🙁 Again, it’s not like I can call in sick on account of weather; this poor guy had flown thousands of miles to come shoot in the desert, so it was now or never. Still….he did have a really nice 2-story suite booked at the Vdara, so more than a small part of me was hoping he would decide to bail on the desert and just shoot indoors.
No such luck! You know these fucking Canadians — they have pure alcohol in their veins keeping them warm, and this guy in particular also had the fire of Art burning in his gut…so when I cruised over to pick him up Sunday morning, he was raring to go– inclement weather or no. D’OH!!!! We drove through increasingly heavy rain to the first location, where he was kind enough to allow me to curl up in caves and alcoves for the most part, staying semi-dry and semi-thawed…and I thought for a minute that I might actually survive intact.
But then we headed over to the second location, and I’m here to tell you, I have rarely been so cold in all my life!! The rain let up, but in its place, a biting cold wind came sweeping in, chilling me to the bone. I’m here to tell you, it is NO FUN AT ALL trying to look serene and elegant while a freezing desert wind blow straight up your ass — it’s all you can do to stop your teeth from chattering and your knees from knocking together! Let me tell you, I questioned my life choices more than a few times on that shoot.
It wasn’t all bad, though; the photographer himself was a super cool guy, and while en route to the second location, he had me stop on the highway to do one of those lonely desert highway shots, where I would stand at the side of the road, hitchhiking in the nude. I pulled over to the shoulder and parked, and stayed in the truck keeping warm while he got out and set up the shot, placing a little rock on the asphalt where he wanted me to stand. When he was ready, he gave the signal, so all I had to do was pull off my clothes, jump out, run over to the rock in my high heels and stand there “hitchhiking” with viciously clattering teeth for a few seconds while he blasted away as cars passed me by. All in all, I was only out on the highway for maybe 12 seconds tops…but guess what?!!? When I checked my Facebook later, I had a message from one of my friends: “Hey, were you hitchhiking naked at the side of U.S. 95 earlier today?!”
LOLOLOLOL!!!!!! Talk about a small world — you never know who is out there at any given moment! So I can actually understand the other two Leias’ reticence in posing nude the day before — you really never know who’s going to see you! Fortunately for me….I don’t give a fuck anyway, so bring it on. I don’t care who sees me naked!
Anyway, after that we ended up going back to his hotel to finish the shoot indoors…and we got some really, really cool shots! The Vdara is an exceptionally nice hotel for photo shoots — the decor is modern and really elegant, and the rooms have lots of windows, allowing for tons of natural light. I wholeheartedly recommend it to photographers…as do I wholeheartedly recommend shooting with this particular photographer to models — he goes by the photography name DespayreFX, and is a super nice guy, overall very considerate of my needs, plying me with coffee & Baileys and even treating me to a delicious steak dinner at the Circus Circus steakhouse (one of the best in town, actually!). Models, I personally vouch for him!
Now speaking of photographers, my New Year’s resolution was to up my game, photographically speaking, and start doing more technically complex, elaborate shoots with better production values. So with that in mind, I accepted the invitation of a well-known local Vegas showbiz figure who also dabbles in photography on the side; he messaged me one day after seeing my New Year’s Eve cotton candy photos, saying he had his own cotton candy spinning machine, and we should do a shoot where I was wearing a dress made of cotton candy.
HELLO! As mentioned last time, I have long been obsessed with cotton candy, so of course I said yes — plus, I had just finished crafting this amazing candyland-style showgirl headdress out of odds & ends from the Christmas clearance aisle at WalMart, and I figured it would fit the theme perfectly. I spackled on some makeup and hightailed it over to his McMansion, where his idea was to remove the housing from the machine so I could just spin my naked body around it as it flung hot, molten sugar into the air…using my body as a sort of cone, as it were, catching the flying sugar strands as I twirled around.
I had my doubts; it didn’t sound like it was going to work, to me — I figured the housing was necessary to properly form the candy floss strands. Well, imagine my surprise when I realized he was RIGHT — it worked!! I spun my naked body around the machine as it flung sugary strands onto me, and they really did stick and start to build up into a sort of dress-like mass. WOW!!! As soon as the candy had built up enough, we headed into the house where he had set up his lights and backdrop, and blasted away.
ALAS (another huge alas…that’s two in one blog :/), he messaged me later in the week saying the photos didn’t come out as he wanted…so I have nothing to show for my efforts. Thankfully, however, I had thought ahead and arranged to go over to my friend Randy Fosth/Shutterbug Studio’s house that same night, after the cotton candy shoot, to do a second set in my new headdress over there….so that I didn’t waste a good makeup job, in case the first set didn’t come out. Since I didn’t want to steal the first guy’s cotton candy idea, I hit the dollar store beforehand and bought a bunch of those colored jimmies they put s on donuts and ice cream and stuff…then covered my entire chest in them 🙂 See for yourself — they came out fabulous!!! Good times!!! (Incidentally, models…I also vouch for Shutterbug-Studio. He shot my first nudes back in 2008, and we’ve been friends ever since.)
Then another day, I did a shoot with this awesome local female photographer, Keri Pettit, for an online fashion magazine called Avant. The theme this month was flowers, so I came up with the idea of shooting me like a Catholic saint, surrounded by flowers, with a long Virgin-of-Guadalupe-style shroud around me…and to shake things up, a big red dildo in my hand. Sacrilicious!!! In line with my “better production values” vow, we spent quite a bit of time building the set and getting everything ready, but the photos came out killer, so it was totally worth it. I plan to print them out as labels, and stick them to those jar candles and give them out to people I meet as gifts. Our Lady of Sacred Wantonness — Patron Saint of Hussies Everywhere! You better pray, bitches!!!
We also did an amazing set with my new favorite prop — this über-cool pair of 1960s-engineering geek glasses I picked up at one of those cheapie clothing stores on the eastside. I have long been a huge fan of physicists (Richard Feynman is my #1 crush of all time….if you’re reading this from beyond the grave, Dick…call me!) so I decided to do a sort of tribute to them by posing for some geeky physics cheesecake photos — I went to the library and checked out pretty much every physics book they had, then hit up a thrift store for a short-sleeve button-down shirt and a tie. The end results were nothing short of fabulous, and I can’t wait to share them with you!!!
Now meanwhile, it wasn’t all fun and games, romping around the desert nude — I also had some boring-ass corporate gigs in there, too. It’s convention season again already, so that means I had to drag my ass down to the convention center for the annual torture-fest tradition known as CES, for three days of hell hob-nobbing with dorks and assholes (the kind of physics geeks who turn me on don’t go to CES, alas…although I did see a few hot nerds) (I like nerds).
Worse, I had the same exact gig as last year, which you might recall turned out to be sooooo odious that I ended up taking mushrooms on the job the last day (read about it here). Well, this year was just as odious, but I somehow muddled through and made it out alive…barely. But it was a truly torturous three days, let me tell you. How the fuck do I get a FUN client for next year????
To make things even more boring, it just seemed like an especially dull CES this year — there weren’t even any really cool new gadgets being debuted. Most years there’s some hot new product that blows everyone away and steals the show, but this year it was just a bunch of novelty crap like quadcopter drones and this dumb dress made of robotic tentacles that would poke out at you if you threatened the wearer’s personal space. The most interesting thing on display was this hyper-realistic Asian android babe at the Toshiba booth, which I’m certain was built with a hyper-realistic super-tight vagina and anus…but that was really just about it. The rest of the show was just exceptionally lame this year!
The only thing I saw that really was cool (android anus aside) was at the Nikon booth. There, they had this amazing interactive photo booth set up with 48 Nikon D750s arranged in a circle, and when it was your turn you got to go in, stand in the center, and then on the count of three you would jump up in the air. A booth babe threw a handful of glitter on you at the exact moment the shutters all clicked, and then all the 48 photos were stitched together to capture you sort of floating in the air all Matrix-style, 360 degrees around. It was FAR FUCKING OUT…check it out by clicking on the photo (there are two different photos; be sure to scroll down):
Those are without a doubt the coolest photos I have *EVER* taken, bar none!! But they were the only cool thing about the entire dumbass trade show, in my opinion…and I’m glad to put it all behind me. I hate working that fuckin’ show!
To make matters worse, I wrote a really funny piece about shrooming as a booth babe at CES, and submitted it to like 5 different editors at Vice.com….and none of them ever responded, so I didn’t even get any intellectual validation for my suffering 🙁 I’m starting to freak out, people — ever since the paper I used to write for shut down last year, I haven’t written one single thing for pay, anywhere. You tell me — am I an engaging writer?? Or am I doomed to be a naked hack forever?!?! Time will tell…….
Speaking of naked hacks, the following week I got a call to be a background extra in another porno movie that was being filmed here in town, at the studios of this one company that shoots a lot of stuff here. This was my third time as a porn extra, and it was just as much fun as the other times: this new production is a big-tit fetish movie, so the lead actress is this beautiful blonde with ginormous all-natural tits, who works as a loan officer at a bank. She gets into trouble with the bank manager over her low-cut outfits, and ends up conspiring with a wannabe robber who happens onto the scene just as she’s getting fired. Together, they end up robbing the bank and I guess he titty-fucks her somewhere along the way, as the working title of this masterpiece is “Titty Heist.”
Anyway, we shot part one the other day, and I have to go back next week to do part two — this movie has a lot of action and dialogue for a porno, LOL. I’m playing a bank teller, so I busted out my CES suit and my new engineer glasses again, and all in all I think it made for a very professional look…don’t you? 🙂
By now, I’ve worked with this crew a few times, and I have to say…they’re all amazing people. Super fucking nice, down to earth and totally unpretentious, one and all. My favorite is the director, this handsome, no-nonsense Gen-X type who makes up amazing dialogue on the fly, calls all the female talent “babygirl” and all the males “bro,” and who has an amazing screensaver made of selfies of him and his beloved bulldog, who he brings to the studio with him but keeps locked up in a special room, away from the riff-raff. Awwwww! It’s the details in life that get to me…how can I ever despair for humankind when there’s people like this running around?!?
Aside from the awesomeness of the crew, this time there were also some amazing background extras onset, as well. There was this one kid in particular who was straight out of some kind of soap opera — we’ll call him Johnny Rockett (his legal name was similar, but astonishingly even more awesome than that). Handsome in a sort of disheveled, dissolute John Taylor way, he ended up in Vegas by way of Iran, Russia and a Swiss boarding school from which he was kicked out for reasons unknown, but probably involving some sort of uppercrust shenanigans. A fellow Burning Man habitué, we had plenty to chat about between takes, and he turned out to be a pretty cool guy. Then after we wrapped for the day, he rode off on a shining Harley. L M F A O ! ! ! ! ! ! ! You can’t make this shit up!!!
Now speaking of shit that can’t be made up…I’m pleased to announce here that I have begun a fabulous collaboration with another colorful local character, this guy who goes by Mister Tony. I first met Mister Tony a few years back down on Fremont Street, where he was strutting around in a chartreuse satin suit emblazoned with “MR. TONY” on the back…so of course I had to approach him and ask him what it was all about. Come to find out, he was once a German transplant in North Carolina, stuck in a humdrum engineering gig that was killing his soul…until one day he quit his job, moved to Vegas, branded himself as Mister Tony and set about making a living as an entertainer/personality/happy-maker. He even recorded a fabulous CD of amazing Dieter’s-Dance-Party-type tunes, which he gave me once when I was working at The Act nightclub. Check it out!!
Anyway, to promote his new line of colorful women’s clothes, Mister Tony and his producer have decided to make a short film about the whole thing…and they asked me if I would star as the villainess!! We met up at a local Starbucks to discuss, and of course I said absolutely! We haven’t started shooting anything yet, but needless to say I am giddy with excitement over this opportunity. It’s going to be amazing!
So anyway, in between all this fabulousness, the year has gotten off to a great start. I even had time for a hike one day down to the Arizona Hot Springs, a/k/a Ringbolt Hot springs — the ones down by the Hoover Dam with the two-story metal ladder you have to climb up to access them. The springs and the ladder were totally destroyed in a monsoonal flash flood last September…but I am pleased to report that the pools have been beautifully rebuilt, and the ladder was even securely reattached to the rock face, although the handles at the top were broken off…so it’s kinda sketchy getting on and off. But still an amazing place, and the water was clean and hot 🙂
Now….looking back at everything I’ve done in just the past two weeks, you might be wondering when or if I actually find time to cook and eat food (aside from the steak dinner at Circus Circus, that is). Well, the answer is — I don’t!! And now I don’t even have to worry about it, because….I am supremely pleased to announce that my shipment of Soylent finally arrived!!!
All corny dystopian sci-fi jokes aside, Soylent is this new food-replacement drink that was formulated by some crazy busy young hacker who never had time to cook/money to eat out, so he formulated this nutritionally complete beverage that you can just drink whenever you get hungry, and it fills you up without having to mess with flesh and leaves and shit. How progressive!! It’s sort of like gassing up your body with high-octane fuel, as needed — when you feel hungry, you drink a few hundred calories until the next time you feel hungry, at which time you top off your tank again. And because the drink contains nothing but nutrients, there isn’t much waste for your body to process…so you save even more time and money in the bathroom! A win-win, if I ever heard of one.
I ordered it back in like September or so, but because it got so much media buzz there’s a huge backlog of orders…so my order just finally arrived last week. Boy, was I excited!! This was right during my hellish experience at CES, so I was able to mix some up and bring it with me for lunch, saving me from having to shell out money on overpriced, unhealthy schlock at the convention center. It worked great!!! About 500 calories’ worth sustained me all day until around 7pm, at which time I ate normal food for dinner — I don’t intend to replace all my meals with it, just maybe 2 out of 3.
For those interested, here is my review: the taste and consistency is something like cake batter (this is version 1.3; earlier versions had taste issues, I hear)…only less sweet. Overall pleasant, and fairly thick. Easy to mix up and store, and so far I haven’t had any digestive issues — other users report gross flatulence, but I’ve been eating a high-fiber diet for years, so I guess my system is used to it, as it hasn’t been a problem. The cost breaks down to around $11 for 2,000 calories — so for me, about $9/day (if I were to eat nothing else).
So, what’s my overall take? I do find it useful and convenient, and will continue to use Soylent as a meal replacement when working trade shows, or hiking, or in other situations in which food is inconvenient. But to be perfectly honest, I feel like I would get bored if I ate it too often…and I also find that it’s frighteningly easy to consume too many calories. A few hundred here, a few hundred there…it adds up fast, unless you were to really ration it out and limit your intake. But in that case, I’d rather just stick to intermittent fasting, and save time and money that way — in a way, I’d rather not eat at all than drink something that is not really 100% satisfying, but has a significant amount of calories. For me, it’s more rewarding to eat something I really enjoy, less often. But that being said, I do find Soylent to be a useful addition to any busy nude model’s pantry!!
Til next time….see you in the desert!
Incoming search terms: