Now that I’m debt-free, AND spring is in the air…IT’S ON!!!! I love this time of year for three reasons:
- It stays light longer (important for someone who is prone to melancholia, yet doesn’t get up til noon so frequently misses out on all-important Vitamin D)
- It’s finally warm enough so that my feet and hands aren’t ice bricks 24 hours a day, and I can actually run around in less than a fucking snowsuit.
- It’s FLIP FLOP SEASON!! I *hate* wearing sox and shoes — I like being able to wiggle my toes. Wearing closed-toe shoes is the bane of my fucking existence.
Also, I can finally get back to the business of doing nude photo shoots in the desert. I like shooting in hotel rooms fine, but the desert is really where it’s at. Photographers — call me!
My excitement of late is such that I jumped the gun a little bit — at the first sign of sunshine a couple weeks ago, my friend invited me to go out on Lake Mead in his speedboat for an overnight campout. It seemed warm enough at the time, so I threw a few things in a bag and we cruised waaaaay out on the lake, through the Narrows and down into Arizona, toward the Grand Canyon. We found a beautiful little sandy cove and beached the boat, and then my friend rigged up a sort of shade canopy over the open part of the boat where I planned to sleep (he does have a cabin with a double bed, but I’m such a shitty sleeper, and need to smoke weed throughout the night to stay asleep, that I didn’t want to bother him). Then we made a fire on the beach, had dinner, sat around and bullshitted awhile, and then climbed back aboard the boat to watch a movie on his laptop.
About halfway through the movie, though, the wind really kicked up — the shade canopy/tarp started flapping so loudly we couldn’t hear the movie anymore, so we turned it off and went to bed. But then the wind got so bad, the whole damn canopy blew off! So my friend battened everything down and made me go down in the hold with him to sleep. I was already pretty high by then, so I crawled into bed without much protest. The waves and wind were really rocking the boat around, and I was juuuust barely drifting off to sleep at last when I guess the wind got bad enough that my friend got up, started the boat, and headed off to find a safer berth. In my high, half-lucid state I was sort of half-asleep, half-worrying about what I would do if we hit a rock in the dark and I had to swim to shore in the frigid water. What can I say, I’m a worrier. It made for a VERY uneasy night.
After awhile, he ended up docking at Temple Bar in Arizona, and crawled back into bed. To his credit, he did not molest me — but I still slept miserably due to the fact that I couldn’t get high. Halfway through the night I did get up to piss over the side of the dock (what can I say, I’m a real lady) and take a quick hit, and I guess I did finally end up sleeping for an hour or two. I HATE INSOMNIA! I couldn’t WAIT for morning, so we could cruise back to shore and I could drive home to sleep all day.
But in the morning, everything was so beautiful and sunny that I changed my tune. We tooled back over to the Las Vegas Boat Harbor by Boulder City and had breakfast in the awesome nautical-themed diner there, and then cruised back out onto the lake for a relaxing day of nude sunbathing. Naked in the sun at long last!!!! It seemed like that miserable fuckin’ winter would never end. It was heavenly!!
After that I had to get back to town, though, because I had a busy week ahead of me. There were a couple of big conventions going on, and I was booked solid. The first day, I worked the MAGIC show. Now, that might sound like fun, but I’m here to tell you — MAGIC has nothing to do with magic; it’s an acronym that stands for something to do with the garment/fashion industry, and I hate that fucking show. It’s all cheapass fashionistas and wannabes from New York, and I don’t normally work it because the rates are TERRIBLE. You see ads on craigslist like: “Models needed, 5’10” and above, C-cup, must be fluent in Russian, Chinese and German and must be able to write orders while standing on your head with a bottle of Krug up your ass. $75/day.” R U Serious??
Thankfully, someone contacted me through this blog to offer me a gig based on my sparkling wit and personality — for a legit pay rate! So I worked with him selling these weird little elastic band-type things you slip over a baby’s socks, to keep its socks from falling/being pulled off (I’d mention the product by name, but I’m sure those good people don’t want their product associated with a wanton hussy like me). It wasn’t the most glamorous product to hawk, but the day went pleasantly enough as the guy himself was very personable and we had a good time chatting.
Alas, I could only do one day of that show since I had already been booked for another, lesser-paying gig at a pot tradeshow that was going on right next door. The CHAMPS Expo is officially a pipe show, but it basically caters to pot heads with all kinds of pot-related paraphernalia ranging from detox kits to salvia to 3-D tapestries — which I was hawking for a fabulous company called SunshineJoy.com. These tapestries are OFF THE CHAIN! They make all these different prints and designs, and then you put on 3-D glasses and they come alive. I’m buying a bunch of them for Burning Man — they are AWESOME! 🙂
It was really interesting walking around that expo, though. First, I scored this sweet pink titanium-encased pipe off a magician friend who was working at the Pyptek.com booth. Awesome! Then I just kinda ambled around checking shit out. Some of the products on display were NUTS! One booth was showcasing a product called something like 
Monkey Bizzness, which is basically a little flask you fill with a friend’s piss (or synthetic piss), then stash in your pants so it stays warm. A little hose comes out the end so that you can realistically piss into a cup for a drug test, even if it’s one of those ones where you’re being observed — and now you pass the drug test! What was interesting to me was that it was marketed as a “novelty urine kit.” HA!!!!!!! Novelty, my ass!!! I love the bogus shit people say to sell OBVIOUSLY drug-related, law-breaking products. Funny! But hey, it beats the way I passed a drug test for Hooters one time — I had a girlfriend piss into a Ziploc baggie for me, which started leaking halfway thru my drug test appointment, so I got her piss all over my chest (I had the baggie stashed in my bra). Either way, I passed the test — but then quit that loser-ass job after a few weeks anyway (I mean, Hooters….come on!)
The other thing I noticed at the pot show was the proliferation of NASTY-ASS skankbag “models” roaming around in booty shorts and furry boots, promoting various products. Aren’t there any good-looking pot heads?? Jeez! These bitches was beat the fuck up, for the most part. But it gave me an idea — I already made a showgirl costume once with red feathers and sequins and stuff; why not make another one in GREEN, with giant pot leaves instead of feathers for the headdress?? Then I can rent myself out for pot shows and events, and even pose for pics down on Fremont Street and whatnot! Why the fuck not??? I’m on it!
Right after my last shift at the pot show, my neighbor came and picked me up and took me over to the airport, and I flew out to sunny Florida to meet a friend of mine for the Daytona 500 NASCAR race! This friend of mine is obsessed with NASCAR, so much so that he even bought a hi-rise luxury condo on the beach down there, so he has a place to stay for the races every year. It was fabulous!!!!
He had a bunch of other friends down there with him, and we all spent Saturday and Sunday hanging out at the races, lounging in this VIP hospitality tent and boozing up a storm together. I was the only chick in the group, so it was like the Redneck Rat Pack — with me as Shirley MacLaine, haha. We had a pretty good time — especially when, on Saturday afternoon, there was a terrible crash on the track and this one car came crashing into the stands right below where we were sitting!!! AMAZING!!!!!!!
Of course, you know those race fans all secretly hope and pray for something like this to happen — but dumbass me made the mistake of saying as much out loud to some rubbernecking redneck beside me, and he turned and looked at me like I was Jane Fonda mixed with Barack Hussein Obama!!! So I kept my mouth shut after that, or else stopped it up with booze.
Then on Sunday we went back to the track bright and early, and my friend gave me a VIP tour allllll around the grounds on this golf cart he uses out there. It was fabulous! We had what they call “hot” passes, which allow all access to the pits and whatnot — so we went and ogled Danica Patrick’s car and everything with all the other looky-Lous. But far more interesting to me was when we drove around through the camping area, where all the fans park their RVs for the week. We went down the row where the drivers themselves park their million-dollar RVs, and WOW! It was fantastic! It was almost like Burning Man in a way — many camps had their own little bars set up, with wacky decorations and stuff. Who knew??? (For more photos from Daytona, plus witty commentary, check out my Facebook album.)
After the race weekend was over, everyone went home except my friend and I. We stayed on a few more days just relaxing on the beach, drinking and getting high, basically indulging in the Jimmy Buffett lifestyle. I can totally see the appeal of Florida now — that place is fantastic!!! I could have stayed there at least a month — there were so many things I wanted to see, but didn’t have the time. There’s supposedly an amazing nude beach nearby that I didn’t get to, and I also heard about a fabulous tiki bar in Daytona proper, as well as a super-skanky strip club that I want to go back and check out sometime. Fortunately, my friend goes down there all the time, and his lavishly appointed condo has four bedrooms, a full bar and all the amenities you could hope for….so hopefully, I’ll be back soon!!
I flew back into Vegas just in time to head to work, and what a shocker that was — coming from balmy, humid Florida and then going into a dry, dark, smoky nightclub. UGH!!! Still, it’s all worth it — gotta make money to sock away in my adventure fund for the next trip. Speaking of which, my next big adventure will be a whirlwind tour of the British Isles in mid-May — this fabulous photographer invited me over to do a photo shoot, so I’m bringing my sister with me and we’re hitting up Ireland, Scotland and England over the course of 10 days. I’m super stoked — I’ve always wanted to go over there, and besides…this photographer is truly exceptional!!! Check out his work here: dougrossart.com. It will BLOW YOUR MIND!!
But meanwhile, I’m languishing in Vegas. You might wonder how I spent my Valentine’s Day, incidentally — well, I’ll tell you. An extremely kooky math-genius/professional gambler friend of mine took me to dinner in exchange for my helping him clean out his storage unit full of crap, that has been collecting dust for the last 16 years! I had an ulterior motive in helping him, of course — somewhere in there, he claims, is a photo of my ex-boss (from the shitty-ass photo company where I used to work)’s wife fucking a bulldog!!! He’s “not sure” which box this photo is in, but I vowed to help him go thru every single one until we find it, by golly!!!
Unfortunately, it was kind of an emotional expedition for my friend, since a lot of the stuff in his storage unit used to belong to his dearly departed mother, a world-famous golfer and ballerina, whose untimely passing left my friend really emotionally bereft. Everytime we found something that used to belong to her, he got misty-eyed — it was heartbreaking. Astonishingly, he said I can have all her old costumes (!!!) — but so far the only thing we unearthed was this awesomely funky old turban with a fabulous big jewel on the front, which I took home and washed right away. Score!! I’m keeping her memory alive!
Anyhoo, we only got through about 1/10th of his stuff before he was too emotionally exhausted, and called it a day. The bulldog photo remains elusive, but I did find photos of another bitch ex-coworker topless, and of another ex-coworker posing provocatively in lingerie. HA!!!!!!! Anyhoo, we’re going back next week for more, and I can’t wait! My crow’s eye already spied something red and sparkly and feathery in the very back corner which I can’t wait to get my hands on!!
Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to find fun stuff to do around Vegas, but times have been kinda dry lately. One night, a girlfriend called to invite me to dinner with a well-known local nightclub impresario and a bunch of other bigwigs at the swanky new Nobu restaurant at Caesars Palace, so I got all dressed up and headed down there to see what was up. Apparently, she knew these people from having met them at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch (!!!!)…but when I got there, it was kind of humiliating — the bigwigs were all having dinner in a private room, so me and my girlfriend and these other three hags she’d invited were left out in the cold in the lounge area. Not to worry — we immediately racked up a huge tab on their dime, ordering sushi and cocktails and what-all else we could think of, but the conversation was pretty lame since the other chicks were all professional trade show models, and all they talked about was work. I can’t think of anything worse than doing trade shows for a living — unless it’s having dinner with someone who does trade shows for a living!!!!!!
But the worst part was when the bigwigs finished dinner, and came out to say hello. Turns out they had a couple of A-list bimbos with them, who had dined at the main table — so I guess we were essentially the B-listers. D’OH!!!!! Those two were a real piece of work, though — they made the trade show models at my table look like Nobel Laureates, let me tell you. Where the fuck do guys find these women?! And what the fuck do they get out of being around them?? After two seconds listening to their drunken blather, my eardrums were bleeding, my brain was atrophied and my soul had withered up worse than Celine Dion’s uterus! JESU!!!!! Get me out of here!!!
Then another night, I faced a real quandary: I had scored free dinner at this new Gordon Ramsay burger joint and tickets to Cee Lo Green’s new show at Planet Hollywood, which I was pretty excited about — UNTIL my fabulous friend Fabian showed up. You might remember Fabian as the guy who wore the white unicorn suit on Halloween, whose back I rode into that shitty Elvis contest at the El Cortez. He’s basically one of the most fabulous, fun, interesting people I have ever met, but he’s been down in South America for the past several months, so I haven’t had the chance to hang out with him. Well, he’s back!!!!
He showed up at my house to store a few things in my garage, and while he was over he casually asked what I was doing that night. I thought I had a pretty good answer with Cee Lo…until he casually replied: “Oh, bummer…we’re going to this German techno rave out at a shack in the desert in Wonder Valley…I was hoping you could come!” Apparently, these crazy Germans go out there every spring and throw this great rave, near some kind of lean-to they stay in, and it sounds fabulous! ARRRRRGH! Why can’t there be two of me?
To make matters worse, Cee Lo’s show was the worst tripe imaginable! I was all fired up expecting it to be unabashedly fabulous — the show is called Loberace, and it’s made to look like an over-the-top-fabulous spectacle the likes of which have not been seen in Vegas since that fuckin’ tiger bit Roy. But I’m here to tell you — it sucked!!! The set design was sorely lacking, the dancers were trite and aggressively slutty, and Cee Lo himself looked and sounded like nothing so much as a giant, BeDazzled Mr. Hanky (the Christmas turd from South Park). Ooooooooooo-ooooooooooooooooh, I got some news for you: a golden bathrobe does not make you Liberace, Cee Lo!! You have some major work to do to get that mess up to par. It was horribly cruise-ship. I can’t believe I turned down a German techno rave in a lean-to for that!!!!
Not to worry, though — Fabian invited me out there tomorrow, for a dinner party celebrating the Germans’ last day in the desert lean-to. So I have to wrap this up and get to bed, cuz Wonder Valley here I come!!! I’m not sure what awaits me…but hopefully it is FABULOUS!!! I had to blow off a photo shoot for this, but it’s all good because the other day I won $500 from my credit union, for doing this contest on Twitter they were running…so I guess that buys me one or two days off, huh?
P.S. Fabian also gave me this amazing silicone Table Tit! I’m not sure what I’ll do with it yet, but I’m sure I’ll think of something… he makes them as gifts for friends, so hopefully I can get a few more, and make something really freaky!!!
P.P.S. Here’s a link to some exceptionally artsy B&W nudes I did back in October — these really came out great! http://jamesweberstudio.com/blog/?p=1798
P.P.P.S. Here’s a short teaser clip of that fashion roundtable TV show I was in the other week. Check it out!