Mountain Biking, Snoopy, a Party Bus and a Blow-Up Doll


Well people, as mentioned I need to make $13,000 ASAP, so I'm trying to hustle and get as much work as I can these days. Unfortunately, the well has been kinda dry lately. What happened to all the pervs?! They were here last time I checked…

Since I didn't have much in the way of work this past week, I took a few days off to go back to Utah with my boyfriend, who is literally obsessed with mountain biking. When I say obsessed, I mean OBSESSED. He didn't bring his bike when we were up there last month, but he had a raging hard-on for all the trails and mountains up there, and he couldn't wait to get back.






To lure me back out there, he offered to rent bikes and take me on an easy beginner trail, around Navajo Lake. Now, I have very little interest in mountain biking myself — I like bike riding, but mostly around town from bar to bar and stuff like that. I'm no adrenaline junkie, so the thought of careening madly down a mountainside on two wheels leaves me pretty cold. But I do enjoy a good workout, and I enjoy his company, so I agreed to try it. Besides, as a conciliatory gesture, he agreed to camp out in the woods this time, in my little pop up camper. He's not really into camping, so I took it upon myself to show him how much fun camping can be! This time, I was sure to bring PLENTY of booze, so that we wouldn't run into trouble with those jacked-up liquor laws in the lame state of Utah — I packed 3 bottles of wine for a 3-night trip. Alas, however….the whole trip was a giant clusterfuck!!!

It started out OK — we found this beautiful campsite in the woods near Duck Creek, among the aspens and pine trees. I set up my camper, made a fire, and settled in for some goooooood times. But then it went off the rails. First off, Captain C. drank a third of my liquor supply, the very first night! This was a real problem, because the road from town was undergoing some emergency repairs, and was only open AFTER 7pm. Well, the state-controlled liquor stores up there CLOSE at 7pm! CRISIS!!!!!!!!

Next, some crusty old asshat came over from the neighboring campsite: "Hey, just so you guys know, there's a campfire ban in effect. If the campground host sees you, he'll throw you out! Just so you know!" Whenever someone says "Just so you know," you KNOW they're an asshole. Right???!

Well, I'm a pussy and was inclined to put out the fire right away, even though I just put a baked potato in there for my dinner. But Captain C told me not to worry — we were pretty far back in the woods, far from the campground host, and it was already 10pm. He seemed to think there'd be no harm in keeping our fire going for another hour, just long enough to finish cooking dinner. Besides, the entire fuckin' forest was damp from some rainfall earlier…so the fire danger was way low anyway.

But sure as sugar, that crusty old asshat must have gone over and ratted us out, because about 30 minutes later here comes the campground host, another crusty old asshat. Captain C laid it on very thick: "Oh, we're sorry sir, we'll put it out right away." FUCK! What fun is camping if you can't have a fuckin' campfire? Now I had to dig my potato out of the wet ashes, and we retreated into my camper to cook the rest of our dinner on the stove in there. Half-baked potato cut into slices and fried in butter…Lame!!! I ended up drinking the second third of my booze supply and passing out watching a movie on Captain C's iPad.

The next morning, Captain C slept til noon while I got up (fuckin' insomnia) and did yoga in the woods and stuff, waiting for him to wake up so we could go mountain biking. We rented the bikes and headed out to the trail, a BEAUTIFUL loop around Navajo Lake that was supposed to be a really easy beginner's jaunt. Easy, my ass!!!!! That was one of the hardest workouts I've ever done!! I almost died about 5 times, fell off my bike about 20 times, and broke down bawling once (in my defense, I was on my period…plus I fell off my seat, hit my puss bone on the cross bar and cut the fuck out of my knee on the fucking pedal). But…I made it around the lake, and in pretty good time! Captain C kept encouraging me and telling me how GREAT I was doing…but I'm the kind of person who thinks people are full of shit when they say stuff like that, so I had a hard time believing him.

Still, it was a great workout and a beautiful ride, and we got back to my truck just in time — a thunderstorm broke out just as we got in. And then it pretty much poured rain the rest of the afternoon, evening and night. LAME! We went back to camp to wait out the storm in my trailer, and Captain C fell asleep again for around 4 hours while I sat in the gloom and read this book I had brought about a Japanese serial rapist. My lantern batteries were dead, so once it got dark I had to read my light of my headlamp, and everything was damp and soggy and shitty and miserable. To make matters worse, everytime I had to pee I had to venture out into the pouring rain…but there was NO WAY I was gonna stop drinking! Captain C finally woke up around 9pm and we killed the rest of my booze and played Connect Four and stuff in the dark before finally giving up and going to bed. L.A.M.E.!!!

It rained all night, but thankfully let up for a little bit in the morning, so I was able to pack up and get the fuck out of there in time before it started in again. We drove back to Vegas in pretty much pouring rain the entire time. Worst camping trip EVER!!!! Hopefully I didn't scar Captain C for life, because I **LOVE** camping and want to do much more of it before the summer is over. But after that fiasco, I don't know if he'll be game.

Once I got back to town, things picked up a bit. I recently started writing reviews for this Vegas tourism website, where they send you around town to various shows and then have you write a short review. It doesn't pay much, but every little bit counts — and besides, none of the other female writers wanted to do the male stripper revues, so I got to go see them all! First they sent me to see American Storm, down at the Plaza…which was laughably low-rent and truthfully pretty bad. The only fun part was watching the audience — about 30 down-and-out women fresh from the Greyhound Bus station next door, including a bachelorette party that somehow ended up downtown instead of on the Strip. But the show itself was honestly kind of excruciating to watch. The dancers weren't even hot!

Next they sent me to see Chippendales, at the Rio, which was much better. But then they sent me to the Excalibur to see Thunder From Down Under, the Australian beefcake revue — and that one blew them ALL out of the water!! Seriously, ladies, if you're coming to Vegas and want to see one of these shows…take it from me; Thunder is the shit! The dancers are smokin' hot and they actually do really cool stuff. Plus, the emcee is WAY funnier (and dirtier) than the ones at the other shows. Don't waste your time — head straight for the Excalibur!

Aside from earning a few bucks writing, I also did another mascot gig, this time as Snoopy (from the Charlie Brown cartoons, ya know?!). It was for some kind of all-black lawyers' convention that was having a public speaking contest for high school students, so I mostly just sat there in a room listening to young black go-getter kids deliver motivational speeches about Martin Luther King and stuff. Whoever says black youth are lazy ne'er-do-wells is FULL OF SHIT…these kids were ON it! I felt like a total loser, sweating inside my Snoopy costume waiting for my 2 hours to be up so I could get out of the fur suit and get over to my next gig. Good GRIEF, Charlie Brown!! After posing for some photos with the winners, and jumping around and waving and high-fiving people for a minute or two, I got the fuck out of there!








My next gig was this video shoot I did for an upcoming project that is going to take Vegas by STORM! I can't tell you all the details yet, but it's gonna be AWESOME — one of my friends who runs a scavenger hunt company devised an idea for an amazing new interactive Vegas diversion, and he hired a crew of wackos to spend two days shooting this amazingly well-produced promo video for it. I played a bachelorette, which was fun because I doubt I'll ever have one of those parties myself, and it was a hoot to dress up in a tiara and sash and all that cheesy shit you see allllll the time on the Vegas Strip. We spent two nights cruising around town in a party bus full of booze with a clown and a blow-up doll and all kinds of wacky characters, stopping in at crack motels and dive bars and having all kinds of dangerous shenanigans. IT WAS A BLAST! I can't wait to share the video with you — stay tuned!!







Now, aside from working, I also indulged my artistic side with a photo shoot with a fabulous new photographer I met by the name of Billy Ward. This guy is AWESOME! I forsee great things for our future. We shot a bunch of groundbreakingly fabulous photos at my house, but he hasn't had time to edit most of them yet because he also works full time as a chef (he used to be Ted Turner's personal chef, LOL, until he ran afoul of Jane Fonda). But here's a shot from our session, just to give you a taste of the fabulousness to come!

One other thing I did was write an article for the BRC Weekly — the free newspaper of Burning Man, that they hand out on the Playa at the event. If you're going to Burning Man this year, be sure to pick up your free copy…and enjoy my scathing rant therein on the Pervs of the Playa. Woot!! Speaking of Burning Man, I finally started getting revved up about it — they mailed me my ticket, but I have to go pick it up at the post office because it requires a signature, and I'm never home when the mail woman comes. Arrrgh!

And if you are going to Burning Man, be sure to stop by and say Hi. I'll be camping with the Black Rock Roller Disco, a group of visionary rollerskate fiends who set up a full-scale rollerskating rink in the desert every year!!! This year their camp is located at 7:30 and Esplanade….so come on down and shake a leg! I'll be the one on mushrooms, hula hooping naked 😀 SEE YA THERE!!!!!!!!!

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