Wonderhussy

All my cool gigs cancelled this week 🙁 I was supposed to play Secret Agent Hotpants again in another scavenger hunt, and that fell through…but even worse, this other super-intriguing industrial espionage gig I booked didn’t pan out, either.

The espionage assignment was on craigslist as an “atmosphere modeling” gig. Normally, atmosphere modeling is where they hire a bunch of hot chicks to attend a party, to improve the guy-girl ratio. I’ve done them before, and while it is slightly awkward to have no job duties other than to mingle… it’s easy work. Once I was paid to hang out at Bare topless pool all day (with open bar…yahoo). Another time I was hired to party at Gold Lounge (that place sucks so bad they have to hire chicks to party there). The best was the time I was paid to mingle in a sexy scientist costume while pouring samples of Sparks alcoholic energy drink at a beer distributors’ convention. We had these little heat-sensitive stickers we were supposed to rub onto guys’ foreheads, and when they warmed up, the little thermometer printed on them would read “NEED MORE SPARKS!”

Anyway, this latest gig was different: they were looking for a smart, sexy model to go to dinner with some guy in the online-medical-record-biz. I guess someone was trying to close a deal with this guy, and wanted to get details on his life, the better to schmooze him and close the deal. My duties would be to meet him for dinner, flirt and make chit-chat with him about his life, and then go home and bang out a detailed email back to the agency with all the info. They just wanted random stuff like his favorite color and his favorite sports team — easy stuff for a practiced conversationalist like me!

After about 10 emails back and forth with this agency, trying to convince them I was smart enough and had a slutty enough dress to wear, they finally booked me for the gig. But alas, after all that….the deal fell through at the last minute 🙁 Bummer, because I was really looking forward to doing it — it was so Anna Chapman!

Thankfully, I had other stuff to occupy my time. That swinger couple from Georgia (the MILF and her wealthy husband, with whom I did the nude photo shoot at Nelson last week) was still in town, and they invited me back to TAO Beach one afternoon to discuss “future work.” Yeah, right! I assumed it was a ploy to get in my pants…but I went anyway, just for fun. And it turned out to be legit — the husband was already planning his wife’s next photo shoot, and had decided to do a whitewater rafting shot with a raft full of naked chicks going over a Class-4 rapid somewhere in Arkansas!!!

At first I said no — I’m a terrible swimmer, and I’m not about to go over a class-4 rapid with no life vest. But the more he talked about it, the more I decided I should do it. It’s like the sex seminar thing — even if I’m not into something, I feel like I should do it anyway, just for the experience! (I wonder if I’ll get a million emails telling me not to do this gig, like I did with the sex seminar.) So I changed my mind, and agreed to have him fly me out there in October for this crazy outdoorsy shoot. We’ll see if it actually comes to fruition!

On a side note, I was at TAO Beach on a Monday afternoon…and they were letting women go into the pool topless. When I had been there the previous Thursday, they were making you put on your top when you went in the water…according to one of the hosts, a health code regulation to prevent women from inadvertently lactating in the pool. Well, I guess that guy was full of shit or pulling my leg…because why would the health code change from a Thursday to a Monday? I’m guessing they just have different rules for the weekends. Whatever! I still stand by my endorsement of Moorea over TAO…over at Moorea, it’s all topless, all the time.

Speaking of toplessness, I just discovered the Topfreedom movement and Topless.org…two groups devoted to protesting the asinine, unconstitutional laws in this country that force me to wear two triangles of cloth on my chest while a fat-assed man with tits bigger than mine is free to bounce in the breeze. WTF! I’ve been obsessing about this for a long time, and I think I finally found something I can get passionate about.

Topless.org is even organizing a series of topless protest marches on August 21st, in cities across the U.S. The closest one is in Venice Beach, so I was thinking of going out there for it…but then I noticed that topless.org is sponsored by the Raelians!! Really?! That totally discredits the entire movement 🙁

What’s up with these Raelians, anyway? They also have a big billboard here in town that says “GOD IS A MYTH!” It’s right across the freeway from one of those Jebus billboards, and I was totally digging it until  I saw the “rael.org” at the bottom. D’oh!! How can an organization so nutty be into two such un-nutty things?

So then I thought maybe I should just stage my own topless protest march here in Vegas. Problem is, I doubt I could find many chicks in town who’d be willing to do it with me. I would probably just end up standing on the corner alone, with yard-long-daiquiri-toting passers-by laughing at me and my flat chest. What I need are some BIG-TITTED women to protest with me! Who’s in?

A lawyer friend of mine has advised that female toplessness is considered a lewd act, and is a gross misdemeanor here in Nevada. I’m actually down to go to jail for something like this…but if you’re not, you can still come to the protest wearing Nipsies — these awesome latex pasties that look just like nipples. How meta! I love it!

In the meantime, I’m just going about my bizness. I’m still doing my sleep restriction therapy, whereby I only sleep around 5 hours a night. It’s really wearing on me, but I feel like I have to keep with it for a few more weeks, just to give it a shot — I refuse to be a slave to Big Pharma and medical marijuana the rest of my life! I WILL sleep again without their help, dammit…but it’s rough going.

Despite my fatigue, I managed to get back into the fetish biz this week. My medical fetish/breath-holding site, divinelyssa.com, is back up and running after a 6-month hiatus. Let me tell you about this fabulous fetish, and my equally fabbo site.

There’s a guy in town who runs a network of medical fetish/underwater/breath-holding websites for a bunch of chicks, and one day he contacted me about working together. He stumbled into this weird niche years ago, when he posted some artsy underwater photos he’d taken of a model…and immediately a bunch of guys emailed him, asking for any behind-the-scenes photos from that shoot. Upon investigation, he discovered that there was a huge, under-served community of underwater fetishists who get off on watching chicks float around underwater. Until then, the only outlet they had was some beat-up hag in Pahrump whose husband would videotape her floating around in their above-ground pool, then sell the VHS tapes online for $40 a pop.

My friend decided he could do better, and ended up starting his own site with clips of hot women floating around in a giant fish tank he bought at a pet store. The site did so well that he’s since upgraded to a McMansion in Seven Hills (a ritzy suburb of Vegas) with a huge swimming pool full of saline water in the backyard (saline being better to float around in with your eyes open).

Meanwhile, he figured out that the underwater fetishists’ main turn-on was the breath-holding aspect — so he also started filming clips of chicks holding their breath as long as they could. The point is to try and hold your breath until your stomach starts flip-flopping up and down, trying to force air into your lungs. These “contractions” can be prolonged with practice, and the more you relax and let them go, the better the fans like it — and the more of your videos they buy!

When it came to the breath-holding clips, he found that many fans also wanted to see explicit details of what was going on in the model’s body while she’s holding her breath — so he started hooking them up to a heart-rate monitor that also displays the oxygen level in the bloodstream. The longer you hold your breath, the lower the oxygen level readout plummets…and the more turned-on the fans get! In addition, he also learned that many fans wanted to hear the model’s heart beating…and see it, if possible. So he ended up investing a ton of money in ultrasound machines, EKGs and assorted other medical equipment…and business is booming!

The clientele for these websites are an odd lot. Every time someone downloads a video, their credit card billing info is sent to you in an email receipt, so you can keep track of your sales and your best customers. My friend ended up googling some of the most prolific customers, and learned that the guy who buys the most underwater clips actually owns a water park in the midwest! He’s probably jerking off to security footage at his water park right now! Similarly, some of the best heartbeat customers are cardiologists — including a doctor in East Germany named Lothar, who mailed my friend his old Soviet-era stethoscope to be used in future clips… and also including one pervert right here in Vegas! (*Note: I use the term “pervert” affectionately — I’m not judging anyone.) It’s creepy to think that when you go to the doctor, he might secretly be getting off on examining you…but whatever!

Anyhoo, before my hiatus I used to get tons of orders from around the world. My best customers were in Russia, Portugal, Italy and Japan…and the very first clip I ever sold was to some guy on an Army base in Alaska. Todd Palin — BUSTED!

After awhile, I got tired of driving all the way out to Seven Hills to film new clips to update my site, and I let it lapse. But last week, my friend texted me to see if I wanted to get back in the game. Since all my other gigs cancelled this week, I said sure…why not? So I drove allllll the way out to the edge of the world (literally, his is one of the last subdivisions in town), checked in with the stone-faced guard at the gate (that guy must wonder what the hell’s going on in that house…all these different skanks driving in day and night), and dove back into the wacky and wonderful world of medical fetish.

Since I was last at his house, my friend had gotten some fancy new equipment, including a new $3400 ultrasound machine that captures a full-color image of the heart beating…so we put that to good use first. I just lay there on the exam table (he has a full doctor’s office set up in his dining room) and let him slop ultrasound goo all over my chest, and go to town. Easy peasy!

Then I ran up and down the stairs a few times, to get my heart rate up, and we did it again. Then, my friend donned a doctor’s white lab coat and did a fake “medical checkup” on me, where he checked my vitals for extended periods and then palpated my heart…all under the watchful eye of the camera, which was set up on a tripod recording everything. WEIRD!

After filming a few clips in the “doctor’s office,” we went into the living room to do a belly noise clip. Some guys get off listening in to the sounds of a girl’s stomach growling and churning, and this is my favorite type of clip to shoot — you just lay there on the sofa with a stethoscope on your belly, amplifying the sounds it makes. I usually eat something like Pop Rocks and soda, or milk (I’m lactose-intolerant) and raw veggies, just to get it churning good and loud. This day, I ate a Fuji apple and some root beer…but my belly just wasn’t making enough noise, so we gave up.

The last video we filmed for the day was in the pool — for these clips, you basically just float around underwater, stroking your face and running your fingers through your hair like a mermaid. Occasionally you blow bubbles, and again you try to hold your breath long enough to start your stomach flip-flopping…because that’s what the fans dig.

So I did all that, and boy was I exhausted! As mentioned I’m a terrible swimmer, so all that underwater stuff is really tough for me. But I made it through, and hopefully as soon as my friend gets the stuff edited and online, the fans will start buying them up. I make about 35% commission on every clip I sell, and they usually go for around $9.99 each. When you consider that weirdos from all over the world are buying them…it adds up! My accountant can vouch for that — that poor, wholesome Mormon blushes ten shades of pink when I bring in all my weird receipts and check stubs every April.

Anyway…that’s my life. See you soon with more updates!

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