The pen is mightier than the sword! As the author of this groundbreaking, life-changing blog, I can certainly attest to the veracity of this old saw. Whether by Bic or by kick, I will fuuuuuuck you up!
I did a fabulous photo shoot today with one of my all-time favorite photographers, Randy Fosth of Shutterbug-Studio. He knows what’s UP — unlike many hobbyists and perverts I shoot with, he learned photography the old-fashioned way, growing up on a farm in Michigan with no one to talk to but the crazy old photographer on the next farm over, who taught him everything he knew about light, exposure and composition. This was in the film days, so every shot counted…and with Shutterbug, it still does!
Now I’d like to tell you about the 2nd Amendment — I fully support the right to keep and bear arms, as you can see in the photo! Har har, but seriously, folks…I do own a handgun, and I was an NRA member until their jingoistic posturing annoyed me enough to quit. I’ve been to my fair share of gun shows, mostly to marvel at the rednecks, kooks and conspiracy theorists…mostly under the aegis of my ex-brother-in-law, who is a cop and who fostered my fledgling interest in weaponry. He convinced me to buy a Sig Sauer .9mm, which I fondly refer to as “Rutger Hauer der Sig Sauer,” and which I keep nearby in a handy hidey hole. Don’t fuck with me, I said! If you’re interested, here’s an article I wrote about the Vegas gun show for one of the local alt-weeklies.
Now here’s one of the seven wigs I bought the other week from my #1 all-time favorite website, ElectriqueBoutique.com. Shhhh…I want to keep this site a secret! They have all kinds of cool shit for dirt cheap!
The labia purse I got around 10 years ago as a Christmas gift from my stepmom…always wanted to use it in a shoot, and now I finally did! The boots I bought around 12 years ago at Nordstrom in California. While I was trying them on, some middle-aged perv watched me with lust in his eyes from across the store, then followed me across the mall until he worked up the courage to invite me for a drink at Chili’s.
Over drinks, this man I had known for all of 5 minutes invited me to come to Vegas with him! I said no, but moved here myself about a month later. Who needs a perv to take you when you can pack up and move yourself, creating a fabulous new life along the way??
Did I mention not to fuck with me? I’m on Day 13 of my sleep restriction therapy, which means I haven’t gotten more than 5 hours sleep in two weeks. YAWN! Poor Shutterbug had to Photoshop the hell out of these pics just to get rid of the bags and broken-out, worn down skin on my poor, exhausted face. Fuckin’ insomnia!
Speaking of insomnia, here is a list of everything I’ve tried thus far in my 16-month battle:
- sleep restriction
- just not worrying about it
- VERY STRICT sleep hygiene
- Neuro Sleep
- Rescue Remedy
- yoga breathing
- Bikram yoga
- strenuous exercise
- gnashing teeth
- cutting out alcohol and caffeine
- Tylenol PM
- catnip tea
So far, I am batting a big, fat zero. Nothing seems to help, but I have to keep trying. Next up: edibles…I’m gonna make a big batch of Rice Krispie treats tomorrow and see if that helps. They say that the effects from edibles are longer-lasting than other ways of medicating, so we’ll see.
After that, my only other idea is biofeedback…which costs $1700, but I AM DESPERATE! They say Michael Jackson was a terrible insomniac, and would have spent any amount of money to get a good night’s sleep. That’s how come he ended up taking Propofol, and dying from it 🙁 Other famous insomniacs include Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Heath Ledger, Drew Barrymore and Eminem…most of whom died young as a result of abusing anti-insomnia pills. YIKES!
You can see why I’m loath to keep taking pills. None of ’em work well, anyway, so I figure I’m not losing much by quitting ’em. As mentioned I’m on Day 13 of my sleep restriction therapy course, but I’m not sure how much longer I can/should continue. It doesn’t seem to be helping, and I’m getting REALLY worn down. The way it works is, you only allow yourself to stay in bed for a minimum period of time, until your body ends up so tired that you start sleeping that whole period. I chose a 6-hour period from 2:30am-8:30am, and it’s TORTURE! I’m blathering on right now on this blog just because I have to do something to stay awake — otherwise I’d nod off, and fuck up the whole experiment.
That’s the irony — I am soooooo sleepy at night, and I fall asleep right away — within minutes. My problem is, I then wake up between 1-4 hours later, and am unable to sink back down into deep sleep — the best I can do is a sort of half-assed stage 1 doze that is NOT very restful. It’s not that my mind is racing with thoughts and worries…it’s just on, like a TV set turned to a static channel. And I CAN’T SHUT IT OFF!
This all kicked in out of the blue after I went to Burning Man two years ago. At the time, I felt that my brain was like a faulty hard drive, skipping and skipping and unable to get back into the groove of sleep. I don’t know if it’s caused by my unstable financial situation or what, but it makes this trying time in my life EVEN MORE TRYING!
I’m hoping that it will resolve itself on its own, after my problems all work themselves out. But who knows if that will even happen?
It reminds me of a conversation I had with my all-American hero friend, with whom I went on a good old-fashioned dinner-&-a-movie date the other night. I really like this guy! We went and saw the awesome movie “Beginners,” which is about two aimless sort of confused 30-somethings, and it totally spoke to me. At dinner afterward, my date asked me how my memoir writing was coming along, and I told him that I was almost done…which is a big problem, because I didn’t know how to end it. What do I do to wrap it up, when there has been no epiphany or resolution in my life?? I suppose I could make up a happy ending, I mused…
“Well, what would your happy ending be?” my date asked.
I felt so clueless and adrift — I don’t even know what a happy ending would BE for me! Now, that’s pathetic.
I suppose I could write that the bank modified my loan to a manageable sum, and my insomnia went away, and I developed the determination to learn to write music and wrote a hit song, toured the world, wrote a critically-acclaimed best-selling memoir about my adventures, had it made into a fabulous movie, and became the toast of the town.
But I’d probably still be adrift. Some people are NEVER happy!
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“…and as we hovered in my private helicopter over Celine Dion’s home and backyard water park on Jupiter Island, my hitman’s high powered sniper rifle at the ready, a hole opened in the sky. I squinted through my WonderHussy private label sunglasses at the face of God. She looked pissed yet still managed a smile and a wink as she slammed a large water balloon at the compound leveling it and leaving no souls breathing. God blew me a kiss and drew back into the sky. “Home James” I requested to my robo-pilot. We turned and headed toward the sunset and my private volcano island. This day, and in fact this life, could not be any sweeter.
Tomorrow is a brand new day. Yes it is all coming back to me now.
WonderHussy is back.”
Best comment EVER!!!! You win the wonderhussy prize…except you forgot to mention that it was a water balloon full of piss!
I did not forget to mention it. I just didn’t as I thought it was obvious. LOL!
As another person who sometimes suffers from insomnia, I see that in everything that you have taken (either over the counter or by prescription) that there are 2 items that I have taken that aren’t on your list.
2) Nature Made Sleep ( I found these at Target of all places).
Now the Unisom is my sleep aid of choice. While I don’t consider it to be habit forming, when I do run out my sleep schedule goes completely out the window.
As for the Nature Made Sleep, I was really surprised at just how well these really worked. In fact they worked a little too well for me, as I slept a little longer than I was hoping for, and I was a bit groggy when waking up once more (The label says that these liquid gel capsules are not a drug, just all natural ingredients. That and possibly the slightly large size of each liquid gel tablet may also have something to do with it.) So maybe that will work just fine for you.
Now there are 2 other items that may also help you to sleep;
1) How about foods that will help or hinder your ability to sleep.
The link below is from WebMD with a slide show of the “Do’s and Don’ts” that may help you to discover an unknown culprit that is keeping you awake.
2) Your sleep environment. While it should be pretty easy to fall asleep in the evening with the ensuing darkness, when your need for sleep (if only a short nap) comes in the middle of the day, is your bedroom dark enough to help you to fall asleep?
It could be something as simple as the bright color on your bedroom walls/ceiling, or that there is simply too much light coming in through your windows (room darkening shades or even old dark blankets hung over these same windows would be the easier/cheaper fix).
In any event, I do certainly hope that you will find yourself sleeping peacefully and without interruption in the near and foreseeable future.
Good Luck Wonderhussy,
Hi Paul! I have tried Nature Made Sleep, and it didn’t work for me 🙁 As for Unisom, I am trying to get away from pills…but will consider trying them if I get really desperate!
I already tried eating/not eating various foods, and have also tried maintaining very strict sleep hygiene (room temp, light, etc). Neither had any effect whatsoever on my sleep.
Thanks for the advice anyway! I welcome any and all tips!
Is the problem really insomnia, or the fact you just require less sleep than other human beings? History is full of geniuses that slept only a few hours a night. Thomas Edison used to sit in a chair with a spoon in his hand and when he hooded off enough to drop the spoon, it would wake him up and he would get back to work. Billy Wilder had a special couch made that was so narrow, when he fell asleep on it, his arms would fall to his side below his waist and get him up too. Have you ever tried just staying up for as long as you can? It’s a substance-free high unlike any other. When you finally crash, the sleep is deep and natural. My record (achieved at Burning Man this year) is about four days.
Just realized I made it through the first three months of this project! High noon and a good time to break away. See you in August 2011 WOnderhussy!
I definitely need more sleep!!! I tried staying up for two days once, and it was miserable…my sleep was no deeper or better than before, so I’m not sure that would work for me. I think I’m just too high-energy and have a hard time shutting off…thank goodness for marijuana!!!!
thank goodness for marijuana!!!! tru dat!
When the cannabis trichomes turn amber in color , as opposed to clear or milky , the THC has decomposed and turned into CBN . CBN is what will knock you the fuck out , a shot of amber triched Rick Simpson oil will do it or ill eat a bite of your straw hat. http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=amber+trichomes&qpvt=amber+trichomes&FORM=IGRE#view=detail&id=F2C6692208404346F33433D9641B31BACB6703AF&selectedIndex=32
cannabinol or CBN is a result of THC degradation (storing bud, exposure to light and air). It’s “mildly” psychoactive and results in the sedative and stupefying effect.
Someone I met said in 3 months he should know more …
shoulda been in quotes ” cannabinol or CBN is a result of THC degradation (. It’s “mildly” psychoactive and results in the sedative and stupefying effect.”
Someone I met said in 3 months he should know more …
* or just ask someone to let a plant stay on the vine until ALL the trichomes are amber before harvesting it , 14 days dry , cure … most growers won’t wait that long as they don’t want their customers falling asleep at traffic lights.
Yeah, I find that if I smoke a nice solid Indica, I’m able to sleep fairly well…most of the time!! It’s a matter of relaxing, which Indica helps with greatly 🙂
Your link to the gun show article produced a “server not found” message. According to this, the weekly has ceased publication:
They gave you top billing among the writers. Did you write a lot of articles for them?
I wrote a few articles, and then I had a biweekly column for a while… Unfortunately they went the way of all print media and folded