Modeling in Winter

At the waterpark...pic by Shutterbug Studio
At the waterpark…pic by Shutterbug Studio

Fuck Christmas; today is the MOST WONDERFUL DAY OF THE YEAR: the first day after the Winter-Fucking-Solstice!!!! From now on, the days are getting longer, not shorter… and that’s just all kinds of awesome. Because if there’s one thing I hate, it’s gloom and darkness. And if there’s something I REALLY hate, it’s bone-chilling fucking miserable cold. YUCK!

Being a model is all fun and games in the spring, summer and fall. But in the winter, IT SUCKS ASS. My feet and hands get miserably cold around Thanksgiving, and stay that way through about Valentine’s Day. Stripping off your warm clothes and furry boots for a photo shoot in this weather is like being flayed alive!!!!!!!!!

Having flayed myself alive several times over the past few weeks, it’s no wonder I finally got sick as fuck. Hanging out naked in the desert on a day when the high temps are in the 40s will do that to ya :-/

At the waterpark...pic by Shutterbug Studio
At the waterpark…pic by Shutterbug Studio

Yes, that’s right…I was stupid enough to agree to another photo shoot out at that abandoned water park in the desert near Barstow a couple weeks ago. I wasn’t feeling well, but I let a photographer friend guilt-trip me into going out there anyway — one of my biggest personality defects is being TOO NICE/too weak-willed; I have a really hard time saying No…even when my health is at stake!

As it turned out, the sun was out that day so it was probably more like 50 degrees…and I wasn’t totally miserable. And, we got some really good photos…so I guess it was worth it. But ever since that day (Dec. 8th), I’ve been on the road to ruin.

Never one to succumb easily to bothersome physical complaints, I just kept chugging Emergen-C and oregano oil and going about my business, hoping it would go away. But gee, it never did…I wonder why?!

Weld Er Up!
Weld Er Up!

A few days after wandering the wintry desert in the nude, I was hired for another outdoor shoot, this time in the oldest graveyard in Vegas, on a night when temperatures got down into the 30s. At least I didn’t have to be naked for this one — I got to wear my Bride of Frankenstein costume, and pose with this super bad fucking ass custom rat rod designed by the guys at Weld Er Up. It was some kind of old-timey 1920s Ford that had been modified to be all-electric, with the interior redone like an old-time asylum, with white padded walls, electric chairs for seats and all kinds of creepy gauges and dials. Really a cool car, and a cool concept…but it was super fucking cold in that graveyard!!! The Weld Er Up guys are super cool though, and let me stay in their heated truck while the photographer set up his lighting…but my toes still almost froze off once I got out to pose. And the worst part of all is, the poor photographer’s computer crashed about a week later, and he lost ALL THE PHOTOS :-/ So now I might not even get paid, since he can’t deliver the product to the Weld Er Up guys (it was for a calendar they’re coming out with). WAHHHHH!!!!

Alas, I haven't gotten any pics yet from my shoot with Phoenix Skye...so here's another pic from the waterpark by Shutterbug-Studio
Alas, I haven’t gotten any pics yet from my shoot with Phoenix Skye…so here’s another pic from the waterpark by Shutterbug-Studio

So by now, I was really getting sick, but I kept slogging away so as not to miss out on all the fun. Next I was hired for a photo shoot with the most amazing 64-year-old MILF model — this woman didn’t even start modeling until the age of 63, at which time she set up a Model Mayhem profile and was immediately recruited by “Over 50” magazine for a cover shoot! If you’ve never seen “Over 50” mag, it’s lurid porno pics of sexy grannies sucking dick and getting pounded by young studs. Fantastic stuff, and this lady was right on the cover!

Anyway, around the time she started modeling, this amazing woman also set up shop as an escort — in fact, after our shoot, the photographer and I had to clear out of the room so that she could do an “appointment” with some bearded old fool from California. But as soon as her date was over, she joined us for dinner, drinks and conversation at TAO Asian bistro, and it was awesome. That lady is so bad ass — she sat there nonchalantly puffing on her vape pen full of weed, talking about all the different “dates” she’s been on with guys, some as young as 25. Apparently, guys of all ages are curious what it’s like to be with a granny…so she does a brisk business! I’m serious, this woman is just super fucking cool…check her out at phoenix-skye.com. I love her!!!

more from the waterpark pic by Shutterbug-Studio
more from the waterpark
pic by Shutterbug-Studio

Interestingly, I did another shoot the same week with another “over-the-hill” model who runs a superhero fetish site. This woman is in great shape and very attractive, with legions of fans who send her gifts and shit, at the ripe old age of 47! It was really cool working with women other than the typical 20-something bimbos. We shot a few videos of me being “eaten” by a giant monster, and some superhero stuff, but I was so out of it from my lurking illness that it was hard to fully enjoy myself.

Pic by Dan P.
Pic by Dan P.

From there, I had to head across town straight to another shoot with an amateur retired Army vet who is just learning how to use a camera. I’ve done several shoots with this guy lately, and he is always a total gentleman, paying my full rate with no quibbling and treating me very kindly — he sincerely appreciates my patience and kindness in helping him learn to shoot. I don’t know why other models would refuse to shoot with a guy like this! Anyway, this time we shot for a few hours, and then he had me surprise another retired Army vet friend of his with a sort of singing telegram where I dressed in my alien costume and sang “Funny Girl” to the poor guy, who was so surprised to see me, he literally almost had a heart attack. All of this would’ve been surreal enough if I were at the top of my game…but as it was I was sick and out of it, so it seemed really weird.

more from the waterpark pic by Shutterbug-Studio
more from the waterpark
pic by Shutterbug-Studio

Oh, and I almost forgot the foot-sucking videos I mentioned last time — I didn’t have many gigs lined up at the beginning of the month, so out of desperation I had signed up to worship this other model’s feet for KissHerFoot.com. I’m not a huge fan of sucking and licking random peoples’ feet, but this chick turned out to be super cool and fairly hygienic, so it wasn’t bad…except for the fact that the heater in the studio wasn’t working, and it was COLD AS FUCK the entire shoot!!! I swear…CAN’T I CATCH A BREAK ANYWHERE?! Isn’t anyone hiring for a shoot on the surface of the sun or anything?!?!

Aw, sugarfoot :-( Pic by Helgaphoto
Aw, sugarfoot 🙁
Pic by Helgaphoto

Alas, no. The next shoot I did was even worse! I had signed up to work with a local photographer who was doing a series of photos with sugar — having the models throw granulated white sugar all over themselves, etc. It seemed like a fun idea at the time, until the day of the shoot arrived. By now, I had a full-on nasty-ass ear infection — I think it started because I sleep with earplugs every night, and don’t always change them out as often as I should. So now, I had an earful of bacteria, fungus and who knows WHAT the fuck-all else…and I’m throwing sugar all over my fucking self, getting little granules into every crevice…including my ears. I had this crazy visual of some nasty yeasty fungus in there gobbling up all the sugar, getting bigger by the minute and taking over my life. YIKES!!! You better believe I went straight home and washed as much of that shit off my body as possible. NASTY!

fabulous Go Suite at the Flamingo
fabulous Go Suite at the Flamingo

I did do one shoot that was 100% cozy and comfortable, in a Go Suite at the Flamingo Hotel. These suites are AMAZING for shooting, and I highly recommend them to photographers — they are roomy and full of interesting colors and textures. You could shoot for hours in one of these suites — they’re awesome! Just be sure you book a “Go Suite” and not a regular room, since I hear that the regular rooms at the Flamingo are pretty shitty. This photographer got a really good deal, too, because of the time of year — I think he only paid around $68/night! Anyway, this guy was super cool in all respects, and I would shoot with him again in a hot minute — and not just because he kept the heater cranked to 11!!! Shout out to Model Mayhem’s Zvaal!!

At Liberace's house!
At Liberace’s house!

Anyway, in between all these photo shoots, I tried to get in a little holiday partying as well — sick or no! The best party was this thing I went to at the Liberace Mansion — WOW!!! I’ve always wanted to check that place out, and I finally got my chance when this British dude bought it (for astonishingly cheap) and hosted a party to promote his new book, as well as raise funds for the restoration of the “mansion.” I use quotation marks because it’s a “mansion” in the sense that Graceland is a “mansion”

the fabulously creepy ceiling in Liberace's bathroom!
the fabulously creepy ceiling in Liberace’s bathroom!

— really more of an overgrown suburban house that has been improved upon with all kinds of glitzy white-trash add-ons. The Liberace Mansion in particular is pretty run-down, in a crummy part of town by the airport, but it was amazing to see — especially as I had just seen that awesome HBO movie about Liberace with Michael Douglas and Matt Damon!

That’s the amazing thing about Vegas — you never know where these historic houses will pop up. You’re driving along in suburbia and suddenly wham! there’s Wayne Newton’s estate! Or you’ll be cruising the ghetto, and all of a sudden

One of Liberace's fabulous mirrored Rolls-Royces
One of Liberace’s fabulous mirrored Rolls-Royces

there’s Siegfried & Roy’s palatial spread. Vegas is truly egalitarian in that way — the rich people live sprinkled among the poor. Or at least it used to be that way, until they built all these douchey “master planned” golf course communities full of cheek-to-jowl McMansions out on the edges of town. LAME!

Anyway, it is my sincere hope that someday, I earn enough money to build a “mansion” of my own, in a humble part of town, with golden “W H” on the gates, little Wonderhussy decals engraved here and there, chandeliers everywhere, and mirrored everything. How fabulous would that be? I only need to suck about 100,000 more toes and I’ll have that damn mansion!!

Speaking of holiday parties, there were two others that I was really looking forward to, on the same night — one at the home of some local literati socialites, and the other being the annual Santa Rampage costumed pub crawl. I planned to hit both of them after putting in my hour at the gym….but alas, all my plans went awry thanks to a magic biscotti I ate that afternoon at another party, in the park down the street from my house.

Every year, this one awesome bearded neighbor of mine dresses up like Santa Claus and the neighbors all get together for a “Santa In the Circle” party in the park. People bring cookies and hot cocoa and stuff, and the local ballet school does a little performance, etc. Well, this year I dragged my ass down to make an appearance, and first thing this one awesome crazy lady offers me a “magic” biscotti. I tried to turn her down, but it just seemed curmudgeonly…so I ate the damn thing. The WHOLE damn thing!! I knew it was a bad idea, but I did it anyway…and sure as sugar, about an hour later I was high as a kite, with no interest in doing ANYTHING.

at the waterpark, trying not to look sick...but you can tell my eyes are half-glued shut with eye-mucous pic by Shutterbug-Studio
at the waterpark, trying not to look sick…but you can tell my eyes are half-glued shut with eye-mucous
pic by Shutterbug-Studio

Nevertheless, I tried to soldier on and get on with my day. I even drove to the gym, intending to lift weights and maybe help metabolize the cookie faster…but they were remodeling the women’s section, and figuring out what to do in the main gym just seemed too hard in my befuddled state…so I turned around and went home, and tried to sober up with a 3-hour nap. I woke up just as high as ever, though….so following a Facebook friend’s advice, I took two Excedrin, drank a cup of black coffee, and walked around in the freezing cold for 3 miles. That finally did the trick — I sobered up enough to go to the literati party, which turned out to be a bust, and I ended up just going back home to bed anyway. BOOOOO! Valuable lesson learned: don’t get high unless you’re planning to go directly to sleep.

Speaking of getting high, my medical marijuana card recently expired, and I was on the fence as to whether or not I should bother renewing it. On the one hand, I hate to buy into a crooked fucking system — it costs something like $300/year to get a license in Nevada, and why should I bother when I have plenty of connections to get me weed on the black market? Why should I funnel my heard-earned money into the wasteful pockets of the State??

At Dr Reefer's office
At Dr Reefer’s office

Well, at the last minute I remembered that the good people at DrReefer.com had offered to cover my renewal costs — so I went down to see if they’d make good on their promise. See, back when I first applied for a card in 2010, I went to the original Dr. Reefer, Pierre Werner — this awesomely nutty visionary who was an early pioneer in the medical marijuana program here in NV. After I’d paid him $360 in fees, he was arrested for flaunting the law…and disappeared into the bowels of the NV correctional system, my money nowhere to be found 🙁

There was really nothing I could do, so I wrote a bad review of him on Yelp! to at least vent my frustration. A few years went by, I went elsewhere to get a card, and another company bought the URL “DrReefer.com.” This new company is cool as shit, and totally legit — they offered to help all of Dr. Reefer’s disgruntled former patients reach an amicable solution, and by golly they actually honored their promise to renew my card this year for free. AWESOME!! From now on, I am sending all interested parties to their office — they’re professional and totally legit. Check ’em out!!

So finally after all that shit was done, I headed out to California for the holidays. By this time, I was full-on SICK AS FUCK — runny nose, watery eyes, nasty-ass ear infection, etc. I had a photo shoot booked in the Bay Area the following day, so I figured to take it easy during the 9-hour drive out there by drinking plenty of fluids, and stopping every few hours to put in these ear drops where I have to keep my head tilted to the side for 5 minutes. Consequently, I was constantly having to stop at random truck stops to park and tilt my head with the engine idling. FUN!

Sick as fuck, trying to look sexy
Sick as fuck, trying to look sexy

Well, I made  it OK, and woke up the next morning to get ready for my shoot. I’m here to tell you — there is NOTHING harder than trying to look alluring and sexy when you feel and look like a scabby bag of mucous!!!!! Somehow I managed to sack up and go through with the shoot…but the minute it was over I collapsed into a pile of quivering, feverish snot. I don’t have any more photo shoots or looks-based obligations until Dec. 27th, so I figured it was at long last time to REST!

My sick face (and my sister's dog)
My sick face (and my sister’s dog)

WRONG!!!! During all of this, as I was packing the night before I left for California, I noticed that my poor dog looked really bloated, and was acting weird. He’s getting up there in age (about 10 years old…I got him at the pound, so I can’t be sure), so I asked my roommate to keep an eye on him while I was gone, and to take him to the vet if he looked bad. Well, I guess he took a turn for the worse right when I left…so my roommate took him in. They sucked out 2 liters of fluid from his abdomen, and ran a bunch of tests, which the results haven’t come back yet…but meanwhile, I’m sick as fuck and ate a pot brownie and chugged a bunch of NyQuil to get some sleep, and the fucking vet is calling me and waking me up every 30 minutes to give me updates/ask permission to charge my credit card $765 (!!!!!!) for services. F U C K ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

my dog, in happier times
my dog, in happier times

I’ll find out the test results tomorrow, and then I have to decide: exactly how much do I love this dog?! I mean, I got him at the fucking pound back in 2007 — I’ve already given him 6 long years of good life; how much more am I supposed to shell out? If you ask me, $765 is already more than I’d want to spend on an animal…but I was sick and out of it and 600 miles away, so I couldn’t really argue with the vet. Now I bet they’re gonna tell me he has a heart problem that requires $100/month or more in medicines…and I hate to say it, but I am unwilling/unable to spend that on a dog…especially when there are plenty of other dogs at the pound needing a home!!! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! It would be really sad to put the poor little fucker down…but fuck, I have to be realistic. I guess we’ll see what happens :-/

 

 

I’m already hustling for this amazing gig next October!

Hey everyone, please forgive the momentary lapse in propriety and allow me a moment of shameless self-promotion….

I’m one of the top models being considered for an amazing week-long nude photography workshop at Lake Powell, Utah with Joel Belmont and Craig Blacklock!

www.dynamicphotoworkshops.com/the-dynamic-nude

Here’s how they describe this workshop:

“If you’ve ever wanted to explore and photograph some of the most amazing (secret) locations in the southwest – like magnificent slot canyons, massive red rock arches, historic Anasazi ruins from the 1200’s, towering ‘tapestry’ cliff walls, petroglyphs, sweeping panoramic vistas and more – all surrounded by emerald green water and only accessible by boat – PLUS work with beautiful nude models and learn one-on-one with master photographers – taking your photography to the next level – this is your chance. This workshop only has 2 spots left – don’t miss out on this photographic adventure of a lifetime – I hope to see you there!”

If you’ve ever wanted to take part in an epic shooting adventure on a houseboat with a bunch of naked models….this is your chance!!

😀

The Mushroom Diet

Better wrap those babies up tonight…it’s supposed to get down below freezing!
Pic by Bill M

Watch out everyone…I’M PISSED!!!

Not only am I on my period, it’s also so fucking cold that I’m wearing a ski parka as I type this. NOT FUCKING COOL!!!!!!!

@#$!(%$@&^%&@*!!!!!!!

I hate cold weather. One of the major reasons I moved here to the desert was so that I would never be cold again — well, I didn’t realize how fucking bone-chillingly cold it can get here in the winter. How cold is it? It’s so cold, they issued a deep freeze advisory to all the bimbos in town that they should wrap up their tits, so that their implants don’t burst! They even forecast snow tonight and tomorrow!!!

 

Pic by Bill M
Pic by Bill M

At least we only have to suffer a couple months of this shit. Still, as someone who makes the bulk of their income off being scantily clad or totally nude, this cold weather is an EXTRA BUMMER, financially. It’s too cold to do any outdoor photos, so aside from a couple indoor shoots, my modeling biz has pretty much been on ice lately. Meanwhile, there ain’t shit going on in Vegas right now aside from the annual yeehaw rodeo fest, and I didn’t get any gigs relating to that so I’ve basically just been sitting around with my thumb up my ass. I can’t even rely on my fall-back source of income — it’s too cold to go busking on the Strip in my weed showgirl costume, too!! So, basically…. I’m fucked. It sucks!!!

This dry spell started in late November, when I was afflicted by a plague of cancellations. First, these two dumbass motherfuck photographers from Model Mayhem stood me up. I don’t get it — these guys had booked me over a month in advance, and we were in constant communication about the shoot — I emailed them a list of locations, and drew up an itinerary, and we were all set to go for Thursday morning, Nov. 21. Even though the weather started turning shitty right around then, I still sacked the fuck up, got out of my cozy bed, and got myself ready to go by the unspeakably early hour of 9am. The plan was for the photographers to pick me up at my house, so I went out onto the street in front and waited for them…

Pic by Bill M
More fun with Angel Paris…a super-cool chick, by the way!
Pic by Bill M

…and waited, and waited…..

…until finally, after about 20 minutes of feeling like an idiot, I gave up and went inside. I didn’t have either of these losers’ phone numbers (we had been communicating via email) but I emailed them “WTF?!?! Where are you????” and went about my business. Finally, six hours later, they emailed me back: “Ohmygod we’re so sorry…we got you mixed up with another ‘bella’…can you shoot tomorrow?”

HELL FUCKING NO I CAN’T SHOOT TOMORROW, YOU FUCKING DUMB-ASS TWATS!!! WHAT, I SHOULD BLOCK OFF ANOTHER DAY OF MY LIFE TO SIT AROUND AND WAIT FOR YOU TO STAND ME UP AGAIN?!?!?!?!

pic by Deep Exposure
pic by Deep Exposure

There’s something extremely fishy about this story — first off, if they got me “mixed up” with another “bella,” why the fuck did it take SIX HOURS to figure that out and let me know?! I can understand mix-ups — but the CLASSY THING TO DO would have been to LET ME FUCKING KNOW in a reasonable period of time!!! Fucking amateurs.

Believe it or not, in 5+ years of modeling that only happened to me once before, when some other old fucker stood me up at (of all sad places) Circus Circus. That time, I got so pissed off that I tried charging a nonrefundable $50 deposit on all shoots — just to cover my ass. But I found that photographers were unwilling to pay up, so I quit asking. I guess I just have to eat the occasional flake — being stood up is just one of the hazards of being a freelancer :-/ When you make your living off amateurs and perverts, it’s the price you pay.

From my seminar in Santa Clara.  Pic by peripheralvision
From my seminar in Santa Clara.
Pic by peripheralvision

So the very next day, I was headed out of town to the Bay Area for Thanksgiving. I had also scheduled a couple shoots out there, the weekend before — and guess what?! One of those dumbasses cancelled on me, too!!!!!!! With this one, I smelled something fishy ahead of time — the old fucker hired me back in October, and had been emailing and texting me quite a bit, until a week or so before the shoot I realized I hadn’t heard from him in a while, so I texted him to see if we were still on. No answer. Then I emailed him…and a couple days went by before he finally responded that he was so sorry, but he had to cancel the shoot because he had to go in for surgery. Uhhh, and you were waiting to tell me this when, exactly!?!?!?!?!?!?! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, I HOPE WHEN YOU GO IN FOR SURGERY THEY GIVE YOU A FUCKING BRAIN WHILE THEY’RE AT IT!!!!!  I swear to dog, am I the only one in this dogforsaken world  who has their shit together?! I mean, if I say I’ll do something then by god I fucking do it! And if I have to cancel, I give as much notice as possible.

FUCKERS!!!

Pic by peripheralvision...a CLASSY photographer who won't flake on you!
Pic by peripheralvision…a CLASSY photographer who won’t flake on you!

Thankfully, my other shoot in the Bay Area did not flake, so I at least made some money while I was out there…and met a bunch of really cool guys, too (this was a seminar, with 9 photographers; it’s almost always guys at these things). Then after that, I pretty much just took the rest of the week off and hung out around the Bay Area with friends and family.  Fuck work!!!!

But even on the social front, I had more bogus cancellations. I was supposed to go camping on the beach in Bolinas with my friend Zen, but he bailed on me too — but at least he had a legit excuse, as he is moving to Angola to work for his dad’s dredging biz. So I only stopped off in San Francisco long enough to pick up a mannequin (Zen had a clothing business which he shut down, so he gave me one of his old mannequins) and

WAFFLEBURGER!
WAFFLEBURGER!

have this AMAZING lunch at a donut place near the ballpark that serves cheeseburgers on WAFFLES!! You read that right; it’s a cheeseburger between two waffles, drenched in syrup…and it is amazing. The only downside to eating one is, you won’t be able to walk for a week. But since I didn’t have any more photo shoots scheduled, I figured why the fuck not? I ate it, then changed into my pajamas, and stayed in them for the rest of the week.

 

Travels with Charlie
Travels with Charlie

Meanwhile, as I was driving around I had my new mannequin buddy on the passenger seat beside me — fabulous!! I dressed him up in some of my clothes, and he acted as a sort of scarecrow, keeping thieves and whatnot from breaking into my truck while I was in the city. I probably could have even used him to drive in the carpool lane…if I were inclined to be a cheating-ass motherfucker, which I’m not.

Loooost in Spaaaaace...
Loooost in Spaaaaace…

Anyway, I was out there in the Bay Area for about 10 days, and hands-down the best thing I did was eat mushrooms at this amazing planetarium up in the Oakland hills. Some family members and I were talking about how we always wanted to get baked and go see one of those cheesy laser-light shows set to the music of Pink Floyd. Since Vegas is way too unsophisticated to have a planetarium, I looked around the Bay Area and found a show on the Saturday night after Thanksgiving, at this place in Oakland.

fooling around in a space capsule!
fooling around in a space capsule!

Now, as with everything, I’m kind of a lightweight when it comes to shrooms — I only ever eat a gram, which is a fairly small dose, and lasts me about 4 hours. So we planned our excursion out carefully, so that we’d have enough time to sober up after the show and get home safely. This particular planetarium has a space museum attached to it, so we drove up there around 8pm, choked down the shrooms with some cheap red wine and a little weed out in the parking lot, and then wandered around the museum for two hours before the show started.

IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!

whoa!!
whoa!!

If one were sober, I think the museum might have come off as a bit hokey — it’s more of a kids’ thing, honestly. But on shrooms? IT WAS GREAT!! I haven’t had that much fun in I don’t know how long!! I laughed until I cried — always a good feeling. They had all these crazy interactive exhibits where you could experience what life is like for the astronauts on the Space Station, so we had a ton of fun playing around with those. Generally, we tried to be cool and not freak anybody out…but you could definitely tell we were high, I bet.

Then we went outside, where they had all these amazing high-powered telescopes, and we checked out Jupiter and stuff in the night sky. And then it was time for the laser light show to begin! WOW. 

Watch out, I'm headed for Uranus!
Watch out, I’m headed for Uranus!

If you haven’t seen one of these “Laserium” shows, they are super-cheesy programs set to music, with laser light doodles flashing around on a planetarium ceiling. Apparently the Pink Floyd one (“Dark Side of the Moon”) is still their most popular program, despite the fact that it’s hokey as hell and reeeeeeeeeeally low-tech, by today’s laser standards. STILL — if you’re on psychedelics, it’s awesome!! We just laid back and let the lights and music wash over us, with the stars sort of twinkling in the background. Amazing!!!! There were about 6 other people in the theater, and I don’t think they were on anything, so I have no idea if they enjoyed it or what. But I sure did!!

yeah, I'm high all right!
yeah, I’m high all right!

After the show ended, the planetarium closed and we were out in the cold. If it had been summer, it would have been awesome, as there are all kinds of trails in the forest up there, leading to amazing overlooks where you can see the entire Bay Area spread out before you. But as it was, it was freezing fucking cold, so we just huddled in the car until we were sober enough to drive home. Note to future shroomers: go here in summertime, and plan to camp out for awhile afterward!

Speaking of shrooms, I also had a little shroom adventure here in Vegas before I left for my trip. An acquaintance had invited me out to this little desert town on the edge of Death Valley that has several hot springs, for a day of soaking, shrooming and wandering around the desert. Of course I said yes, so he picked me up in the morning and we drove out to the town of Tecopa, got a room at Delight Hot Springs resort, and ate our medicine. Then we spent the rest of the day soaking in the mineral baths, said to have the second-highest concentration of minerals of any hot springs in the world!!

Tecopa Hot Springs
Tecopa Hot Springs

Delight’s is a kind of run-down little resort built in the ’40s, with that amazing run-down desert-y vibe, only now it’s been taken over by Koreans from Vegas, which makes it even more awesome! Meanwhile the “town” of Tecopa, which is really just a collection of trailers and RV parks, also boasts a natural hot spring out in the middle of this ultra-desolate valley, in a sort of marshy area with a mucky bottom and reeds all around. I’m really more into natural springs than the developed kind, so after we soaked in the Delight’s tubs for awhile, we put on our bathrobes and walked the half-mile or so to the natural springs, so that I could check it out.

Russians having a picnic in the middle of no-fucking-where
Russians having a picnic in the middle of no-fucking-where

Meanwhile, the shrooms had kicked in, and we were pretty high. When we got to the natural spring, these crazy Russians were sitting there having a picnic — in the middle of the most barren, bizarre moonscape this side of Mars, no less. But that’s Russians for ya! Well, my friend was too high to go near them, so we just hiked to the top of this little nearby hill, instead, and sat there in our bathrobes watching the sunset. It was fantastic!!! The sky out there was all kinds of beautiful, and it was utterly still and desolate, with this

Sunset in Tecopa
Sunset in Tecopa

amazing wintery desert smell in the air from the creosote bushes. We sat there until it got dark, at which time we ambled back down along the highway in our bathrobes, like the Dude from the Big Lebowski, back to Delight’s.

Tecopa
Tecopa

Now, Tecopa may be a teeny-tiny shitty desert town, but it also just happens to be home to one of the most fabulous restaurants anywhere on Earth — Pastel’s Bistro! Pastel’s is run by this awesome guy from Vegas who bailed on city living in favor of desert life. He used to be a bigwig chef here in town, but now he just hangs out in the desert getting baked and cooking up all this amazing healthy-type foodie food that is fucking out of this world!! The friend that I came with goes there all the time, and he said half the time he doesn’t even order off a menu — the chef just brings him out whatever’s good that day! I love those kinds of places.

Unfortunately, however, we were so high that time got away from us — we pissed away too much time soaking and racing around the desert listening to techno, so by the time we got to Pastel’s, they were closed 🙁 BOOOO! I gotta get back out there, stat. If anyone wants to go, hit me up. You buy dinner, I’ll provide the shrooms!

With the New Zealand Monopoly Team
With the New Zealand Monopoly Team

On a final note, here’s another one from the “Random Photos of Me Showing Up in Weird Places” file. A few years back, I did a shoot with some guy who was in town covering the World Championships of Monopoly (yes, there is such a thing). He took some nudie pics of me with a Monopoly game board, and then we drove down to the “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign so I could pose for a photo with the New Zealand Monopoly Team, who had placed 2nd in the tournament. These guys were hardcore — they even had matching tracksuits, lol!!!

Anyway, nothing ever came of the pics…or so I thought, until now! A friend of mine found one of the photos from the shoot (below) on some Greek Facebook page. I don’t speak Greek (ahem), so I have no idea what it says….but it’s funny anyway!!

It's all Greek to me!
It’s all Greek to me!